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 Mar 2014 Jessica Head
Syddy Raye
I hate the world

Everyone who inhabits it annoys me
I can't take it any longer
I want them all to die
To leave me alone
The end of stupid people that bother me
The end to my suffering
I hate them all
Yes,
I hate the world
i'd like to tell you something i have never said before
if you are here then listen, i won't say it anymore:

i've grown to see a life through two profoundly different eyes
reality in synch with both beneath the cloudy skies
i've realized the origin of each world that i've seen
and i have put my feet upon the space that's in-between
but i can only stay in here until there's nothing left
until the ground i'm standing on is thoroughly bereft
and whether it is light or dark, my limbs will have to move
with everything inside of me, there's nothing left to prove
from a position of weakness
 Mar 2014 Jessica Head
Sweetheart
Shy
no one understands
that i can't be myself around a stranger
it takes time for me to be comfortable
and open up

no one understands
that when i say give it time
and ill be myself
i mean what i say

no one understands
that i can't control it
i can't tell myself to not be shy
my personality is weird like that

no one understands
that when they make jokes like
"you never talk"
"you're so shy ***"
i take that personally

no one understands
that i am self conscious about that
i cant help but beat myself up when i say the wrong things
or don't say anything at all

no one understands
that i am shy for a reason
God made me this way
He gave me this unique personality

I am shy
so i don't make the wrong friends
so i don't say the wrong things
so guys mess with me
because i'm too nice
God protected me
when he formed me in my mother's womb
i am forever grateful
to have a God who loves me unconditionally
i am glad i'm shy
i wouldn't be myself if i weren't
Some people think I'm crazy,
but this is what I say:

Being insane is relative.
I take it day by day.

Though people think I'm crazy,
I am completely sure:

There's no such thing as normal.
There cannot be a cure.

Some people think I'm crazy,
I always tell them this:

You're just as sane as I am.
They take it as a diss.

Though people think I'm crazy,
I truly know I'm not.

I say that I'm original.
And that is all I've got.
You do not do, you do not do
Any more, black shoe
In which I have lived like a foot
For thirty years, poor and white,
Barely daring to breathe or Achoo.

Daddy, I have had to **** you.
You died before I had time ----
Marble-heavy, a bag full of God,
Ghastly statue with one gray toe
Big as a Frisco seal

And a head in the freakish Atlantic
Where it pours bean green over blue
In the waters off the beautiful Nauset.
I used to pray to recover you.
Ach, du.

In the German tongue, in the Polish town
Scraped flat by the roller
Of wars, wars, wars.
But the name of the town is common.
My ****** friend

Says there are a dozen or two.
So I never could tell where you
Put your foot, your root,
I never could talk to you.
The tongue stuck in my jaw.

It stuck in a barb wire snare.
Ich, ich, ich, ich,
I could hardly speak.
I thought every German was you.
And the language obscene

An engine, an engine,
Chuffing me off like a Jew.
A Jew to Dachau, Auschwitz, Belsen.
I began to talk like a Jew.
I think I may well be a Jew.

The snows of the Tyrol, the clear beer of Vienna
Are not very pure or true.
With my gypsy ancestress and my weird luck
And my Taroc pack and my Taroc pack
I may be a bit of a Jew.

I have always been scared of you,
With your Luftwaffe, your gobbledygoo.
And your neat mustache
And your Aryan eye, bright blue.
Panzer-man, panzer-man, O You ----

Not God but a *******
So black no sky could squeak through.
Every woman adores a Fascist,
The boot in the face, the brute
Brute heart of a brute like you.

You stand at the blackboard, daddy,
In the picture I have of you,
A cleft in your chin instead of your foot
But no less a devil for that, no not
Any less the black man who

Bit my pretty red heart in two.
I was ten when they buried you.
At twenty I tried to die
And get back, back, back to you.
I thought even the bones would do.

But they pulled me out of the sack,
And they stuck me together with glue.
And then I knew what to do.
I made a model of you,
A man in black with a Meinkampf look

And a love of the rack and the *****.
And I said I do, I do.
So daddy, I'm finally through.
The black telephone's off at the root,
The voices just can't worm through.

If I've killed one man, I've killed two ----
The vampire who said he was you
And drank my blood for a year,
Seven years, if you want to know.
Daddy, you can lie back now.

There's a stake in your fat black heart
And the villagersnever liked you.
They are dancing and stamping on you.
They always knew it was you.
Daddy, daddy, you *******, I'm through.
Sadly enough
I am just not sad at all
Buy not happy either
Just indifferent it seems
To this world around me
And I’m tired of thinking
About all of theses thoughts
I am screaming for help
But my voice is trailing off
My mind keeps wondering
And my judgment keeps faltering
While I’m just stuck here
Figuring out my emotions
I'm almost there.
Almost to the top.
Nearly at the end.
Kind of finished.
Sort of done.
Barely through with everything.
Somewhat over.
Close to the finale.
Not quite completed.
All but there.
Practically
Just about
Virtually
More or less
I'm almost there.
There's no comfort in the truth
Pain is all you'll find
While you're searching and tumbling
While you crash into sudden realization
The truth
Pierces your heart like poisoned daggers
The pressure behind your eyes building till the tears are spilt

Heart breaking truth
Cold  water to your veins
Bring you to your knees truth

Make you scream with grief or sorrow
Leave you thinking things you shouldn't
Truth
One of the most wanted things that can hurt you
Truth
When I realize I'm what's wrong
Truth
The thing most wanted, but not given anymore
Goodbye truth old friend
Pretty soon my generation won't give you away anymore and we'll go crazy and insane
*some of us already are
 Mar 2014 Jessica Head
Aurelio
Dust
 Mar 2014 Jessica Head
Aurelio
I used to think I could catch dust motes
with my bare hands.

I would dance around in the sunbeams of my childhood,
watching my hands whip through the slow
drifting constellations of dead skin.

I swore, if I just moved fast enough,
I could cup the colorless specks in my hands.

You were never really mine,
I just thought I held you in a sunlit moment.

T.11.I
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