when you're single
you don't eat Mac n cheese out of a bowl
just eat it from the ***
you don't bring home extra treats from the store
you don't clean the sink as often
or make the bed as often

when you're single
eating is a chore
and eating out is expensive
you pay half as much
and you don't sleep half as well

when you're single
the other person in your house
doesn't want to rate cheese together
or read stories to each other
or dream up new hobbies to try

when you're single
that doctors appointment gets put off
and the socks aren't in haste pulled off
there is no joy in being turned on
or anyone to lay upon

work goes on and money goes in and out
excel spreadsheets track what I think
will help productivity and health
but they're really just distractions
from what I can't measure
from what I can't make a formula for

was it similar enough to a marriage to add on more years to allow for healing?
what is the threshold for peace in which
walking beside someone will feel natural
when hearig them say "I really like you"
doesn't ruin your week
does it matter?
was it good enough to learn from and make the best of?
am I too focused on processing it?
I need more cheese...

when will I forget her.
because it won't come soon enough
I'd rather forget
and later read our letters and see photos and learn about great it must have been

than to know that it was preventable
and be here.

I never cheated
I never hit or yelled
But I didn't love her how she needed
and wasn't constantly learning how to love her better

shell find someone who
will do an even better job
and she'll leave them too

I'll find someone
who I think is an even better match
and they'll leave me too

and we'll both keep expecting abandonment
money will come in and go out
schedules will be made and kept
and I'll keep holding back laughter
and look forward to
the day when remembering won't hurt

The **** of a snowball
The oops right before the almost-fall
The crunch of boots

These are sounds that I'd like to make
These are the memories that I used to take
But wearing this straight jacket has made me loose

that only helps you fall asleep
once, not twice in a row
not a reliable method to ward away
those still quite seeds of pure evil

it doesn't work
after you're tempted
for the first time in seven years
to cut your legs
from the stress that keeps you
up till past four am
after thinking a day full of biking would
put you to sleep soon

whole day you pretended she didn't exist
whole day you thought it would last
whole semester you pretend that you're healing faster than you are
but even your friends are tired of hearing her name

now it's not only the puppy's face you can kick in
like you did in 2014,
but now you can kick its ***** in
like they're fresh bubble rap
or a pice of trash in the bike lane
shoved aside into the gutter
kick them to keep the puppy safe
safe from falling into love,
falling into infatuation
falling away from God

we used to have to take breaks from talking
our cheeks were hurting from how long we sustained
our smiles
laughter about
how long we've gone smiling

now my legs are tense,
the pain is familiar
like the acid that is deposited
in your mouth,
that taste you get every few years
out of know where

and my nose twitches
when I think about her
as if I got a whif of a sewer
overrun by dying rats
who ate off of nothing but
discarded fast food wrappers
and drank **** from dying, crushed cicadas

dreams of ticks climbing on me
looking for a hidden spot
to bite and **** my blood
maybe in my ear,
maybe next to my taint,
maybe in the small of my back
the exact places you've been before
all the places that no one else has gone
that's where the ticks will go
that's where my flesh was opened
and has not healed yet

the enemy wants to abide in me
to feed off of me
to drain me of what's been gifted

why do you think
there is any chance
that I would want to be with you?
why will this be an event
where we sit down and talk
about our feelings
as if there is a bond between us
to be mended,
just a patch to sew,
just a pice of code to correct,
a poem's paragraph to rewrite,
just a muddy stretch of country road to walk through
before we can get back on the motorbike?

what does your community say about this?
have you asked?
what does God say about this?
have you asked?
what do you say about this?
have you truly asked yourself?

who do you think you are?
is it simply that I'm 21 months older than you
that I've gone through this before
and know that it's not worth the try?

what, you think an ideal relationship
is one where they break up and get back together
...
is that model driving your decisions
to quit on me just to ask me back?
as if a relationship that never breaks is a weaker one than one that does?

aren't I on the transgender "branch"
in your tree theory of predestination?
aren't I just on some path that is impossible
to leave even without God's help?
aren't I just some *******
that you got to know,
learned to love,
and tossed out
with the rotting, maggot theme park that was our compost bin?

that's how it felt.
I forgave you for that
I don't hate you anymore
and I'm not mad at you anymore

but I don't speak of you
as if you were a low risk investment,
or a peaceful scene along the river,
a short ride through the jungle,
or an integrated unit that knows
how to deal with it's weaknesses

I speak of you to myself
as someone
with a high IQ
and a high EQ
but not with yourself

give into addiction
like it's a slide
you're afraid to fly down

let your mind go
to that smooth feeling
where silk and skin meet

let your heart beat
increase like
on the day's sole walk

let your fingers swipe
a screen so your eyes
can see the colors and patterns

let your spirit fall
fall down beneath
yesterday's snow
let the memories
be buried
like footprints
hidden under ***** ice

snow is putting distance
between itself and the clouds
like how older people do
when they've put some distance
between themselves
and the pain

snow is here to keep me standing
if only I choose to stand
let it snow
let it burry
let it go

my head is heavy
but it's not sinking into the pillow
like I want it to
it's laying about two thirds down
as if it's pounds lighter

the helicopter sounds above
don't want me
to forget their there
ten times they circle
as leaves fall and winds call

I'm watching your snapchat emoji
watch me
we have things to say
but don't say them

It doesn't feel like you miss me.

The water
Moves like
Silk upon
An unmade bed,
Which held
A couple in love
The night before.

The water
Shines like
Blue gold,
Worn by
A recently crowned
Queen.

The water
Sings like
The last
Performance
Of an
Under-appreciated
Musician at the
Bar down
The road.

“Is this what friendship
With her looks like?”
I ask myself.

“Ignore and pray.”
I tell myself.

“Maybe I’m just tired.”
I tell myself.

“Shut up and move on.”
I tell myself.

“She doesn’t like you;
She’s just being herself.”
I tell myself.

“What the hell am I
Thinking?”
I ask myself.