I was beautiful,
I hope to never be beautiful again.
I grow more authentically repulsive,
And alive
And real
And free
And happy.
I will never need beauty again.

The day
after we met
I never thought I’d
be relieved that you were gone

but

Breaking up with you was like
taking off my socks
at the end of
the day.

He gave me dead flowers
So I can smell them every day
The rotten petals falling
The color of decay

The washed out sunflower
The dehydrated leaves
The mold on the water
The color of debris

The richly red rose
Now drooping to the floor
The color of love
Existed no more

But still I saved the flowers
And smelled them every day
And watered them with tears
To let them grow again.

They say god is everywhere, right?
That its helpful, that it loves us?

Where was god when I almost died?
In his hands, My neck, his knife?
Where was god the second time?
In his smile, at the end of My life?

Where, when I was abused?
In their voices, their hands, My fear?
Where is god now its over?
In My flashbacks, shaking, in tears?

Where was god when I was bullied?
In the school, in the kids, in the words?
Where was god through all those years?
Lonely, cornered, unheard.

Where is god now? Im still suffering
In My struggles, in My life, in My work?
They say god is everywhere, right?
it's never helped Me, that's for sure.

Looking at the window
You come into my room
Cuddling with you
In the dark
As trust begins to bloom

Knocking at my window
I see you crouching there
It's late at night
You slide inside
And gently stroke my hair

Tapping at my window
A pillow in your hand
Soon stained dark red
And damp with tears
You're best in all the land

Food left at my window
You try to apologise
I eat it up
And it's enough
To ignore all our goodbyes

Banging at my window
You think we still belong
You're furious that
I start to know
Something's clearly wrong

Rocks thrown at my window
And once again I'm scared
Your fingers wrap
Around my throat
But I no longer care

Police are near my window
Because I finally gave up hope
No more trying for
A guy who keeps me
Treading slowly on tightrope

Nobody's at the window
But still I feel your eyes
Such a shame
That none of us
Predicted our demise.

Another me is holding his hand
The park we shared is yours now
The sweets and treats and pleasant things
Disaster, yet you don't see how
Let's hope you survive him

Clouds roll in and rain pours down
And you'll forgive the storm
You'll attack the weatherman
When the reports begin to warn
Lets hope you survive him

Another me inspects the mirror
Full of fear, self-hatred and doubt
Even when the door is wide open
You're too guilt-ridden to get out
Let's hope you survive him

By now, your bedroom is your tomb
His knife has twisted deep
It's over now, his boredom slays
And your soul he claims to keep

And now I hope you're resting sweet
In a grave that's soft and kind
For the memory is no mercy
To a stubborn, struggling mind.

Do you still plot your moves?
Meticulously planning your next attack,
Obsessing over the board,
Chasing checkmate after checkmate,
Even though the game is over.

Or is it? Do I understand you now?
Pawns surround a trembling king,
Bringing back information,
About "innocent" steps,
And knights abducted.
The game continues, making mockery
And playing hangman with your ill intent.