I am so tired…. But Its not a lack of sleep. Its emotional, mental, physical the loss runs deep.
Standing on the edge of hope and hopeless choosing between blinding pain and numbness.
My head hurts, my stomach is twisted in knots. My body has a physical response  and i am not calling the shots.
Wish i could turn it off but the damage is done.
I have changed irrevocably from the battles lost and won.
Tiny fissures left open scream out and bleed. At best i slap on a bandaid ignoring the real need.
At times i stop and survey the path i am leaving of blood and tears. But i force myself forward in spite of the fears.
Just Keep moving ignore the pain, the alarms screaming survival is the game.
Dodging bullets, walking on eggshells, being a wall and a shield. Trying not to lose myself in the mass casualties on the field.
I feel the heavy pressure of walking this line. Burdened by a choice between true peace and everything is fine.
If only i was the only one who had to pay for my choices. But i bear the weight of those other helpless voices.

We talk about the
past like it's a
movie we
watched together.
You liked the
cinematography.
I didn't care for the
cruelty of the
protagonist.

We disagree on the
theme, and every
scene holds different
aspects of
symbolism for us.
I'm not sure I want
there to be a sequel,
despite the good
acting.

You were worried about
the storm, so you
invited it in,
wanting to control the
damage through your
kindness and friendship.
But you can't.
The storm doesn't have
a conscience.
It will never be a cute
pet on your leash.

When my oldest brother, Todd,
came back for my mom's funeral,
he had this light about him.
His face was a poem.
Sure, he was the oldest, and he
had a healthy-looking tan from the
hot New Mexico sun, working
outside with turquoise, silver,
and bear claws to make
jewelry for the tourists, but there
was more than that.

He was an artist, and all artists have
a fractured ease about things, but he
lit up.  Something from the inside
projected out.
He comforted everyone else, we leaned
on him.  His eyes oozed serenity.

A few calendars later, when I traveled
back for his funeral, I saw the same
look on a few of his friends' faces.
His wife told me after the service
that Todd had gotten sober years before.

Remember when we listened to amazing music.
Still do.
Classics like Fogerty and CCR,Janet,Gloria,Billy,Elton,and Rod
Newies like Katy and Gaga
Attend amazing concerts and performances.
Travel and explore
Older not old
We have been in the dark for five years
Always
Kind
Loving
Caring
Helpul
Giving
Respectful
Not Judgmental
Light is calling for happier and sunnier days
Always