Look into my atomic shadow.
In my purple and reds.

Drop in my subsonic dream.
In my orange and greens.

Walk in my sidewalk shoes.
In my midnight blacks.

Look at my shadows.
Drop in my dreams.
Walk in my shoes.

See my darkness.

Don't weep, don't cry
if she has left you alone
don't weep, don't cry
if she says leave me alone
make your heart strong
and do stand tall
give life to self-belief
your pious love
will not go down the drain
another one will stand beside you
step up like a happy family
and like a courageous couple
she will then cry to lose you

There are stories in your eyes.

I never told you how
sometimes I fell asleep
with the thought that you
were perhaps the moon-

always disappearing
with the dawn.

My daughter called today crying, and said
"I miss you daddy, when are you moving closer?"

Any other day

I would just tell her "I'll be there soon, baby"
but those words seized up in my throat
and refused to pour from my lips

On most days, I would tell her
"Baby, Sometimes you have lay the foundation,
before you can build the house" and her
sleeping on the floor and giving me her bed to sleep in
or giving me the 5 dollars that she had saved from her allowance
isn't a viable option (though a heart like her's makes a father proud)

but today

Today I was three seconds
from melting down, the process
signaled by tears that formed like lava
quiet pools meant to renew, gathering at the corners
of these weathered eyes, and it took all the strength I had
not to curl up in the fetal position and close my eyes
until the world turned black

I held everything inside for a few moments longer
just long enough to let her know
that I love her and to say goodbye
I realized at that moment that I had waged this war far too long
and losing a battle like this was not the end of the world, so today  
I held up a white flag in surrender, and gave in

There's something about crying, it's like hitting the reset button
it buys you a few more days before the next breakdown
before the next time life tries to break you
So I cried in my car, alone....

*because today she needed to see strength
and not the cracks in my armor.

I stitched but it's still visible
I came knocking but
it seems I'm invisible
I'm too tired to pick up the shards
In a lonely night where
I hug my knees
weeping on my pillow,
covered with sheet
feeling the pain
What should I do,
my soul is wreck
Nocturnal thoughts hooting
like an owl in the wilds
I'm surrounded by darkness
and all I feel is sadness
This is what I call madness
because I'm just...
I'm just so helpless.*

-A

10/11/14