trapped, trapped, trapped
breathless
i
can't
breathe

a song loops in my head
the dreary tune
of some indie song
that weasled its way into my head
stuck in a loop,
playing like the background music to this emotional scene of my own movie.

i can't help it
i sob,
i choke on my
tears and scream silently into my blankets.

help me, help me, help me
i
can't
breathe again

my heart screams i want to get off my bed and leave the prison of my room
but
who was i kidding?
my skin rejected the touch of another
my pride rejected the cajoles of my mother.

my prison was not my room
my prison was me and i refused to let myself out.

please, please, please
i
can't-

it creeps up like vines
entangling me
oh lord
i can't move
why?

i have to go
i have to leave these things called 'feelings'
for after that comes the devil
- infatuation

please spare me from the horror itself
for i no longer want to be under that
'crush'
spell.

'why is it,'
i consistently asked
'do the stars light up the sky
side by side
so confidently
not in fear of each other?'

my mom turned to me, eyes alight with curiosity
'whatever could you mean?'

'it's just...' i hesitated with the words about to fall off the tip of my tongue but lacking their density and conviction to be given
'there isn't one star
there are many
and they all shine together
aren't they afraid one day
they would be overshadowed?'

mom laughed
'well
maybe they do
but don't you see
if all the stars were too occupied shining brighter than the other
the sky wouldn't be as beautiful

when you do your own thing
and not look at anyone else with ill intention at heart
can't you see how even more beautiful you would be?'

talk, talk, talk
i hear myself speak

please excuse me
why can't i stop speaking?
come on come on
shut up shut up
you have self control
so come on now shut up

i'm sorry
i'm trying
oh lord why can't i shut up
please excuse me

please excuse me
i know you don't want to hear me
please excuse me.

i want to be alone
for its bliss is lovely

but i hate the feeling
of no warmth beside me

the dimness of the lamp
my only saving friend
why don't you stay
so we can grieve together
for we are too similar

where has it gone?
where have you gone?
this is the part where someone comes to mind
but truth to be told
my someone has always been a lie
the words were true
but my mind has been blank
all i know
is i crave for a warm
kind
hand.

what an ordinary day
i hear myself say

as usual
the sun hung high
as usual
there are people walking by

what an ordinary day
i hear someone else say

it's no secret
of this full-fronted desire
not this case for others
but for myself it was clear

the path to take and the direction to go
to be held up by only
and one and only
another human being
as they tower high over me

i long to be away
to be extraordinary yet i still cannot bear
this painful ordinance
am i detrimental to my own story?

i winced silently as the wind blew past
i winced slightly as i hear myself laugh
i winced slightly as i coughed within a conversation

what an ordinary day
i dare not say
for who i am to say

what a race against time
as i long to call you mine
i try not to eye the sparrow by my side
as we fly,
high,
and with my staggering aside
i try not to think past the blinding realization
that i am put in this position
unable to be first

i try not to endorse
in this full-fronted sob cause
but how can i not
as i turn to look at you
with your beauty
and your spell
i fall under
and obsess
in this full never-ending contest

what makes an epiphany worse
is when you know
you know it's there
but you can't have it reversed.