I want what I fear
Intimacy and cheer
even with those I'm near
my outside is not clear
I won't let them hear
my emotions, my tears
I glance and I leer
I want what I fear
drugs and beer
off road, won't steer
judgement of a peer
promises my dear
yeah I want what I fear
but my actions don't mirror
I'm mixed into this sphere
I wanna cut and sear
but everybody here I love
above all else so I promised not to hurt myself
When I stopped being so selfish at age 12
that promise I keep and hold deep
my loyalty to everybody
All of these things are mixed in my sea
I'll stray to only the good hopefully
cuz if I want one then I shan't do the others son
who loves without pain to someone who cuts
who can get into drugs with a smile
who can express themselves without judgment hitting tile
place these thoughts to a pile
and pick em out every once in awhile
appreciate life and my lifestyle
cuz there's nothing better than having somebody to dial
and people your willing to die over
I imagine kids, a man, I cooking on the stove and stir
now my neighbors aint abusers but who's here?
my fam and man look weird
shaded, crooked, faded, shooked man and I realize where my head gon and steered
into the future but I falsely peered
I teared while thinking realistically but **** it that's what I really want
tempts aint nothing but a taunt
if I give in then it'll haunt me and put a tint on my people's hearts
so back to the start,
I fear this but I'm young and apart with everything I want this part
without anymore **** to darken my future this fear is what I want and that's real art.

I'll never be able to finish a song
You be the brains and the brawn
I'll front like to me you're just a pawn
But as soon as everybody's gone
And I'm finally alone, I'm drawn,
to cry long past dawn 'cause I'm a *****
My self-image tends to ping-pong
Whether I'm alright or all wrong

I'm giving up on being strong
Maybe I should pop a pill or puff a ****
I wonder about the sensations all day long

I joke and I joke on and on
But at the end I stay
knowing everything isn't okay
Because I shouldn't be scared of my own race
I wish I was nothing more than a trace
I wish myself not to be a complex being
Like everybody else, through night and day
My past reflects on who I am today

Right now and the past shouldn't be too overwhelming to face
Now and the past weren't too bad but yet out of fear I brace
My emotions are laced
to everybody but I haste
to show I actually care
but to do so isn't so rare
The first time I do is hard to be fair
But if I say so I tear
I won't trust but I do love and care

After I say so I'm uncomfortable and feels as if I'm bare
and trapped in the spacious outside without air
It feels like you just judge and stare
So I'm then scared that you won't stay as I'm stuck there

Family are the only people I love, for them I,
refrain from trying to die
You are my blood, so I'll be **** sure I never again be why you guys cry.

I hopped my mental fence
Where all faces look bent
And I too have dents
Where I rid all the drug and cut tempts
I'm here now and I **** up the **** scents
The real sensations are lent
Including the bad that's meant
It's here I keep the tempts, away
So sober I stay
But I want to everyday
So I imagine it and lay
Imagine what I want to do and say
So I dream up things all day
With Koto I get to play
Throughout the entirety of may
But that's as likely as I am to pray
Honestly I can't tell if I'm okay
And I'll never have to pay
So long as I'm strong, nay
So long as I'm in my mind
In between my head time I find
In real life I can stay inline
Bc this is the most I can be kind
To myself, sincerely signed
Nerve.

I kept it to myself after you
Heard about the suicide of Lou
Making fun of him was all I used to do
I felt bad about myself & needed someone new
So I told some kid to step off
Remembered his name was Phillip and he had a nasty cough
recognized years ago he hadn't been so soft
but it didn't matter so I left the loft
Decided to put the ***** side on freeze
But never actually gotta chance to seize
see right after that tease
He never showed again you see
Gossip traveled over that he had disease
Convinced Everything I said turned lethal
Low esteem so I popped a pill
My parents made me work a lil
Never moved out of my parents until
They found me getting a refill
I blanked forward staring at the windowsill
Perhaps my brain was always ill
They said that I'm unacceptable
If I worked more they let me stay till
I was clean and could pay my own bills
Fast forward-
The story goes onward
in my head I always knew I had killed
Some pathetic actions made my heart filled
Learning the hard way's proof you did some evil.
(This was fictional)