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I need only to smirk and you’re mine
Anytime
If it’s god that you want
I have dozens in mind
Devilishly divine
Bending time like a grandeur delusional
Spine  

In a mad hatter ectoplas-mystical slime
A prismatic drug addict’s first nursery rhyme
Of accursed hearse verses of graphic design
Now to lay to rest intellect spectacles musing
Of selves glorified more than those of my choosing
To deify Destiny’s
Deathly serenity
Plentifully sending me vibrant surprises
And penning my ending in violent demises
Disguises surmised by the climate arises
Girl always there riding my similar waves
As I try to save face digging mechanized graves

But the cloud tentacles
To the depths
Drag me down
To demented ascension
Black holes in the ground
Where disciples of light
And my huntress in white
Vivify me by day
Resurrect me at night
To instruct and deduct
Reasoning in a state
Of a being supreme
Contemplating its fate
first I smell myself.

the deep bass tonality of my musk,
hot, creamy, sweetness unique, of coffee and creamy,
my owned sweat oiled secretions massaged into her skin
emplaced by vigorous parts rubbing and tongue caressing,
under the fading shadows of my glancing, desirous admirings


then I smell herself.

sinking sunset glimpses of last nights parfume parfait,
scattered in random strategic locations architecturally planned,
some flavors come over me like modest waves,
others spelunking found in crevices, cracks and caves,
where humans tread in guileless search of guiltless pleasure

then I smell our sharings.

lemon and thyme, paprika, sea salt and pepper,
a basted rub laid upon animal skin consuming, and consumed,
the vinaigrette balsamic and California yellow raisins, pine nuts,
decorating leaves of red soil spinach and spicy arugula,
word salads, so miraculously ingenious, you swear off eating flesh

then I smell our combinations.

the air conditioned atmosphere that blends us properly chilled,
the olive oils pressed from two colored differing skins,
the mortal and pestle finely grinding our own fresh crumbled dirt,
appearing in places where dirt is wet panko crumbs encrusting us,
our combined liquidity, shaken and stirred, drying in martini tandem

it is 8:17am and this recipe of reciprocity,
at its most pungent peaking,
for soon raining waterfalls of potable city water
and the sophistry of French soap,
the pseudoscience of modern chemical shampoo,
together erasing, scrubbing away this poems aromatherapy tapestry,
your perplexed complexing nostrils will mock you once more,
for ever disbelieving, thinking you could no longer write of
only love poetry that crested high above the trite


Friday, March 29 2019
Aroma olp musk balsamic paprika sea salt ***** martini olp
All I did was tell you this and that
You asked for the facts
and I acted as exact
I’m trying to be better
I’m trying to be the giver
And instead I’m left helpless and selfish

Hung out to dry with my wicker thinning
Time ticks close &I cannot decide
I am scared in a way I cannot describe
I am old beyond my years
You’ll see it in my eyes

My love, without you?
Can’t you see I’d die?
My love, you know the truth
Without you, I’m confused
Without you, I can’t be blue.
So many cold eyes stare into empty spaces
The waiting room feels crowded with the five of us in this too big space
I hear my name called and am handed a jar
Off to the bathroom I am escorted
The nerves are escalating as I urinate
Into the cold metal door goes my name among others
I can't breathe
He holds my hand and gets me water, saying everything will be fine
But I was turned away last week
They had told me my appointment never finalized in scheduling
I know with certainty this is really happening though
The receptionist with the sad mouth calls me to her window
Is there a different insurance I can try? Do I have the money?
At least the insurance that was supposed to be cancelled is still active
I don't want this money burning my wallet and freezing my heart
He isn't allowed to come back with me
Are you sure, they ask me far too many times
I just want this to be over with
I want to cry
Are you being forced by anyone
Only myself and my promises
I'm scared
I'm sad
They finally let him come back to me
And lay me upon the cold papered examination bed
They force my legs apart and insert their probe
Do you want to see?
Of course I don't but how can I not
In black and white before me is my last eight weeks
Sweaty apple juice is placed in my weak hands
I look so brave in this sterile place
Am I being judged by these people
I'm just too young right now
We have no money
Take these twenty-four hours apart
More prescriptions and pills are passed along to me
I'm barely eighteen and graduated

Days later it feels like there is cotton in my mouth
The medication expands like gauze
I can't feel my tongue or the air around me
It's not too bad after it's dissolved though
Then an hour passes and I can feel the life being taken from me
My whole body convulses
I can't stop the tears
He can't stop the pain
Especially not the emotional kind
He couldn't possibly understand
I've known longer than him
Built a bond that is only meant to be broken
He kisses my stomach like I can't
There's so much blood
I suppose it's time to take all the pain and nausea medications
What makes it worse is that I know I'll be sad for some time
But we agreed to never tell anyone about this happening
We're ashamed we chose this route
But there would have been no chance at survival regardless

Months later I'm still crying
I mourn the intentional loss of my would-have-been love
Though the decision was necessary I can't help but wonder
And I see all these announcements on media
I put on my happy face for them
But I feel robbed
Embarrassed
Sad
The painkiller bottles still aren't empty and serve only as a reminder
Of the two lines we threw away
So that the soul could have a better chance
Inspired by a friend's experience with permission
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