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Mar 3 · 414
Nights like tonight
Stephanie Mar 3
Nights like tonight I'm stuck
In this never ending loop
Cant get free
No matter how hard I try
My past wont let go
I will always be that little girl naked, trembling, terrified
Nights like tonight
I ask why did you steal my soul
When you touched my body
How could I just lie there
And let you
Again and again
Nights like tonight I beg for relief
Will I ever be able to forgive myself
Can I stop seeing that reflection
Get the sound of your breath,
The smell of your sweat
The weight of your body
Out of my head
Nights like tonight
I wonder will I ever be whole
Or is all of this suffering eternal
Nights like tonight
I just wish for the end
Dec 2018 · 213
Its Just A Nightmare
Stephanie Dec 2018
I scream
I shake
I *****

Its just a nightmare

He is grabbing my hair
He is holding me down
He is pulling off his pants

Its just a nightmare

It feels so wrong
It hurts so bad
It lasts for eternity

Its just a nightmare

I wake up
He is no longer here
It is over

Its just a nightmare

Can't let go
Can't stop crying
Can't move on

Its just a nightmare.....
Sometimes the memories come as dreams and they feel so real and then come the body memories with them and it is a recipe for ptsd panic attack hell
Oct 2018 · 167
A Sub?
Stephanie Oct 2018
I let you take me
Every inch of my body excited
Every inch of my soul terrified
Every touch another shock
My skin is electrified
My mind on fire
I hated being forced
But this, this isnt the same
This pain it is as real
But in a different way
My mind cant except it
Yet my body craves it
They hurt me and i was scarred
You hurt me and I fligh
On waves of ******
Trembling at your breath
Jumping at your touch
I hated being forced
How can I love to submit
As a **** survivor and victim of childhood prostitution exploring my sexuality can very difficult and scarey at times and this poem reflects on recent experiences
Sep 2018 · 206
Letter to a Far Away Friend
Stephanie Sep 2018
I thought you were there for me
I thought you cared for me
I opened up
Bore my soul
If that wasnt enough
I undressed for you
Shared by body
Maybe you couldn't touch
But I saw your pleasure
And gave you mine
So close to me
Even though
You were so far away
I told you everything
From darkest corners of my soul
You were so attentive
Your kindness scared me
I backed away
And then I crawled back to you
Too little
Too late
I hurt you when I left
And now I have been hurt
Does your pain feel better now
Now that you have lashed out at my deepest secret
Will you rest easy
As I cry myself to sleep
Sep 2018 · 207
Why Me
Stephanie Sep 2018
Why me
Why now
Why again
I'm not a little girl anymore

I didn't mean to get that drunk
I didn't mean to pass out
It was my friends house
We had been friends for so long
I should have been safe there
I wasn't
I over did it
I got sick
I passed out
I woke up
He was on top of me
Inside of me
I was too drunk to fight
Pretended not to wake up
I felt everything he did
Heard every sound he made
Smelled his sweat
And my blood

Why me
Why now
Why again
I'm not a little girl anymore

He finished
I passed back out
Woke up the next day
Can't scrub myself clean
Cant forgive myself
Haunted all over again

I didn't mean to get that drunk
I didn't mean to pass out
Why me
Why now
Why again
I was ***** again 6 days ago on the night of my birthday
Aug 2018 · 5.1k
Survivor
Stephanie Aug 2018
It hurts so bad
Not the pain of today
Not even the pain of yesterday
Maybe the pain of a lifetime ago
Not any less
Definitely more
My adult mind is realing
Punishing the little girl I was
The little girl who accepted so much
Fought so little
Torn apart by what I could have done
Beaten down by what i should have done
Terrorized by what I didnt do
Haunted by what I did
I survived
I am alive
But when will I start living
May 2018 · 168
Love Lost
Stephanie May 2018
Love lost
This day aches my soul
I thought you were the one
I thought you knew me better than I know myself
I told you everything
Bore my soul
This betrayel burns deep
searing the heart within me
Yet through my tears
I stand tall
I know I am strong
Hurt by so many
Shattered time and again
I always put the pieces back together
Today i cry for You
Tomorrow maybe the same
But then
I move on
Time has shown me again and again
I am my only true friend
My one true love
will remain
Me
Today ended my 8 year relationship
May 2018 · 4.5k
Good Little Girl
Stephanie May 2018
Dont open my eyes
Dont move a muscle
Pretend to sleep
Hope with all my might
Just leave me alone
I dont want to be touched
I dont want to be for your profit
I am just a good little girl
I am not your slave
I am not your toy
I want more
I want my freedom
I can't take this pain inside
Are you done yet
The blood on the sheets
The blood on my legs
Remind me what a good little girl I was for you
I hate you
I hate myself more
I want to be strong
I want escape
I want to tell
I never will
These secrets
This pain
This fear
I will carry to my grave
Like a good little girl
Based on my experience in childhood prostitution
May 2018 · 185
The Life I Never Had
Stephanie May 2018
Endless days turn into sleepless nights
as I think about all that I lost
I wish for a chance at normalacy,happiness, inner peace,
things so close yet so far out of reach,
all of these things you stole from me you used my body,
before I could understand
Without my consent
now I am left here
wondering
what could have been,
who I could have been,
who I should have been,
continuesly longing for the life I never had.
May 2018 · 9.1k
Little Things
Stephanie May 2018
My chest is heavy

Calm down you say

My breathing is rapid

      It's no big deal you say

My heart is racing

     What's the problem you say

My words are caught in my throat

     She wants attention you say

My head is spinning

     She is being dramatic you say

My whole body is trembling

     Why do you act like that you say

My tears won't stop falling
    
      Don't act so weak you say

My screams echo inside my head

      It's just another day you say

My mind broken and realing

      You're so bothered by little things you say

My heart is shattered, unrepairable

Why do you say all these things you say
When you have experienced a trauma that leaves you with ptsd any little thing can be a trigger
May 2018 · 152
Memories
Stephanie May 2018
I lay here trembling
A smell lingers in my nose
Tears roll down my cheeks
A breath on my neck
Will not close my eyes
A ruff hand holding me too tight
I can't breathe
A grave voice in my ear
I'm falling apart
It never ends
Stephanie May 2018
Stretching, crying, bleeding,
Tearing, burning, pain inside
When will it stop
When will it be over
My body so small
My mind so young
The time so long
The agony so real
The fear so deep
I scream
I shake
I fight
You laugh
You push harder
Your joy from my misery
Your pleasure from my suffering
I am left *****
Hopeless in the puddle of your shame
As you walk away
Smiling
Bathed in my tears
Satisfied by my Pain
Based on my experience in childhood prostitution

— The End —