Spades

Spades Jun 2019

I saw nothing but darkness I was in a dark spot.
But when I saw your light I thought my story would have a different plot.
She finally gave me a reason to put down that bottle of scotch because when we spent time together all my problems were forgot.

After 17 years of chronic depression, I thought I found a blessing.
After 17 years of darkness I thought I found my person.
After 17 years of hurt I thought I could stop the hurting.
After 17 years of Hell I thought I found my Heaven.
But after 15 months all my trying fell pointless.

All those times you told me you loved me you must have been faking.
Explain to me how I go from a potential husband to someone worth nothing?
For 15 months you acted like you were nothing but loving but every time you told me you loved me you were really bluffing.
All I ever did was give you every piece of me and looking back on it you took all of it for free.

I promised that I would stop taking the drugs I take because I loved you.
I promised that I would stop drinking the drinks I drank because I loved you.
I promised that I would never break up unless you gave me a major reason too.
So after everything I did, tell me why you put me through everything you put me through.

It isn’t ideal, but just remember it was you that put us through this.
You made it clear and I can’t ignore that there is no future with us.
Cause you would rather soak the lies and cut our ties and leave me to reminisce, about what we were.

And what we could have been.

#suicide #suicidal #depression #love #heartbreak

Spades May 2019

Untitled

The harder you try to piece yourself together
The more pieces you lose

Depressed depression emotional

Spades Jan 2019

January 9th

January 9th marks 18 years of living without you .
And it pains me to know the rest of my life will have the same. story, because another lonely birthday is another year without you mom.
another year without you dad.

I wonder if you look down on me.
Do you see me? The things that I see?
Do you wish as hard as I do every night to just be able to remember the warmth I had with you?
Because I’ve never even felt that warmth with you.

When people lose a loved one they tell me they can relate to me, telling me they cry over the visions of the past they see.
But they don’t understand what its like to cry over your imagination.
They don’t understand what its like to be forced to dream because you don’t exist in any of my memories.

All I can do is wish for you not to see me.
Because I’m a hopeless wreck that numbs the pain with a bottle of Hennessy.
A hopeless wreck that pumps so much black in his veins that he struggles to breathe.
A SadBoy who wants to cut deep and watch his life seep

A hopeless boy who wants his mom more than anything
I would do anything just to see you mom

I don’t know what to do anymore
I would be lying if I said I ever did
Because night after night, fight after fight, sin after sin
I tell myself I will change, just do make the same mistake as before

How many sad birthday poems do you really see anyway?

#mom #birthday #sad #depression #depressed

Spades Nov 2018

It's not Childish to Cry

This is to someone I don’t know, but I know what he did.
I want him to know that leaving my mom and me on the hospital bed that night is something I still hold a grudge for.
But I have no intentions of finding you to hurt you.

I just want to know why.

I want to know why you ran away from mom.
Why you let her die with me in her arms.
You left us.
That left me all alone.

I want to know what I did to you that you were convinced to force me to suffer in Hell before I even had a chance to die?
Did you think that I would live to get over it?
Because to this very day, I still cry about you.
I still cry about mom.
I cry about how different my life would be if I could write poems about you.
Instead of poems of what could have been you.

I just want to know why.

I want to know how you are doing now.
I hope you are living happily wherever you are, whatever you do.
And I only hope you wish the same for me.
And if you honestly did care for me, my birthday wishes would have come true so I could finally see you.
But I don’t even know if you think of me.
But lone Birthday after cold Christmas I can’t help but think how much happier I would be if I even merely had a picture of you.
But I don’t even have any memories of you.

I just want to know why.

I want to know if a life full of alcohol and drug abuse was a life you ever imagined for me?
Did you even think about the future when you left?
Because I’m sure if you knew I would have struggled this much with it you wouldn’t have let it happened…
If you knew, would you have let it happen?
Did you know it was going to happen?
I’m sure you didn’t.
I’m sure you didn’t know the impact on a kid who never saw his dad's eyes.
Who never heard his dad’s voice.
A kid who never felt his dads touch.

But because of you, I cry every night

Wondering if you had no other choice to make.
Or if it was a choice you made.

Re-tweaked, I didn't like the first one.
If you couldn't tell it's a message to my dad.

#dad #mom #depression #depressed #sad #suicide #suicidal

Spades Oct 2018

Poetry is my Problem

Poetry used to be something I could look forward to
Because when no one was here for me poetry was always excited to have me to talk to
I loved poetry because it was something that helped me vent
To help me express and control my feelings
To help me give me a purpose

Poetry is no longer someone I want to talk to
Because it has become more than a want
It has become more than a help
It has become a need

Poetry is something that I need now
Poetry is something that I need to cope with life
Poetry is the only thing that can help me express my problems
and I hate it

I hate it

I don't want this anymore
But I can't help it
Because when I realized I had this problem
the first thing I did was to write about it

I think this is the first poem I ever have written that doesn't directly talk about my depression... It is still me though

#depression #depressed

Spades Sep 2018

What is there to be grateful for?

I no longer dread the question that nobody knows how to answer
Because instead of hiding my emotions behind a wall of lies I speak the truth
Instead of telling them I feel fine I tell them that I don’t want to breath anymore
And I can’t help but scoff when they tell me I have so much to be grateful for

They don’t know me
I hate how people assume

They tell me that I should be grateful for my parents
But my parents are why I run on anti-depressants
And it’s not because of what they did but what they didn’t do
Those pills I take are because my mom died in front of me
Those pills I need are because my dad ran away from me
Those pills I live on are because my brother is the only family I have left, and no matter how much I love him he always hates me

I was told to be grateful for my friends
But my friends are why I get so drunk I can’t even find the floor
And its not because they ignore me, but because my only friends suicide, depression and sadness keep pounding on my door
Depression keeps telling me that life would be better if I give up trying to avoid him
Sadness keeps trying to tell me that I would breath easier if I stopped running away from him
Suicide keeps telling me that I won’t have to deal with Depression or Sadness if I just listened to him

I was told I should try to be happy more
But its gotten to the point where I’ve cried so hard I can’t even cry anymore
I mean you can’t blame someone who doesn’t have anything to be grateful for

4th night without sleep. I can't even be motivated to dream anymore

#depression #depressed #sad #sadness #suicide #suicidal

Spades Sep 2018

Waiting to Wake up

I always have this nightmare.

This nightmare has no ghosts, or zombies, or anything unreal.
This nightmare I have is about a sad boy, who hates the world and struggles with everything in life.
This nightmare is about a boy who can’t focus on studying because he has to focus on keeping the rope under the bed.

This nightmare is about a boy who can’t focus on eating because he has to fight that urge whenever crossing a bridge.
This nightmare is about a boy who can’t have friends because of his anxiety and his lack of ability to cope with life.
This nightmare is about a boy who uses alcohol and drugs as a crutch because it works better than therapy and pills.

This nightmare is about a boy who still cries over his mother, creating memories of her instead of reliving them because she was gone before he was born.
This nightmare is about a boy with no dad because he ran away from the future of this boy.
This nightmare is about a boy who tries to forget about the pain by inflicting pain on himself.

This nightmare is about a sad boy who is lost.

This nightmare is real.

That boy is me.

I’m still waiting to wake up.

I don't know anymore :(

#depression #depressed #suicide #suicidal #sad