Please stop trusting me.
I love you but you think that's a good thing.
It's not.

Stay away from me.
Don't you know that I'm poison?
I am.

Things don't work out for me.
You say someday they will.
They won't.

I love you so much more than you could ever know.
Go away.

Today a man told a **** joke.
Everyone laughed.
I stood there and thought about it for a moment
And then I asked,
"What is funny about that?"
The laughter stopped
and they stood there in silence.
The momentary silence of shattered illusions,
There was no answer
Because it wasn't funny
So why laugh?

yes, i lied to you. yes, i said things to make you happy. yes, those things i told you killed me inside. yes, i felt my hands turn into earthquakes after. yes, i pretended to be what you think i should be. yes, i let you treat me like ****. yes, you made me feel insignificant. yes, i was falling apart. yes, i thought about crashing my car so i wouldn’t see your face again. yes, i tried, i tried, i tried. yes, i’m tired.

I’m a functionally depressed person.
I’ve self-diagnosed myself as this
Because severe depression makes
Me feel like I should be lying
Around my house all day and
Although I’d rather wrap myself
In the blankets of my bed,
I push myself out into the day.
Dressed in an outfit that’s not
Sweatpants and a t-shirt, but
Instead, jeans and a sweater.
Long sleeves to cover the cuts
On my arm, or many bracelets
With no colors that match my
Outfit but they cover my
Self-inflicted wounds from
The night before.
I fake a smile at people
That I pass by during the day
And I hope that they can’t
See through my eyes and into
My head. I hope they can’t read
The suicidal thoughts swimming
Around, filling the lack of serotonin
That I’m missing from my brain.
Their eyes feel like lasers shooting
Into my brain like bullets that I dream
Of releasing from the chamber
To settle in my head.
I’m a functionally depressed person
Because I function in society
Without anyone knowing that
Inside, I’m already dead.

Over the clouds
Float his imagination
To see the things
Hidden from the common eye

Then he showers
Beauty with wisdom
That the world needs
Desperately In all ages

In the summer of my life,
When I swore, promised, even,
If only to my sad-broken-self,
Nurturing a heart beyond repair,
I would never venture abroad,
Never again sail from safe shores,
I awake, open my eyes, smile,
I am in love, and I’m not afraid.

Beyond anything previously known,
A new experience, fresh, bright,
A meeting of not only hearts,
But emotionally bonded, strong,
Immeasurable depths, mind, spirit,
Two coalesced as one, bliss,
Forging a blended alloy of love,
In the summer of my life.

©Paul Chafer 2014