I keep my face bare
Saving my make up for him on weekends.
I count every calorie of every day
Hoping he will grab my waist more tenderly.
I rid my body of hair until it bleeds
Just in case he visits.
I push my heart rate daily
Willing my body to burn itself.
I cut and pick and paint my nails and their beds
Dreaming in a haze that he'll hold them.
I whisper loving words in his ear and leave him love notes
Praying one day he will return them to me.

The first time he hurt you, you told your mother
Her visions blurred by a bottle
You poor little lost soul, you are surrounded by poison

Your dreams were limited to one island
'You can't leave here'
He rips the rest of the world off of a map

A sick seed grows inside you, spoils your appetite for life
If only you had wings
You are so sick you don't see love anymore

A small window of opportunity arises
I have to leave now
Your father helps you pack your car in the night

A new road on a long journey
Five hundred miles does not feel like enough
Is he following?

Sunshine and cigarettes are now your new air
You gladly accept this poison over the last
One day, all you'll be breathing is the ocean's air little girl.

A self-proclaimed Christian
A ruby for your crown
'Let's build a life together'
Let me tear her down

A friendship to be broken
A lover that was bad
A baby in the middle
Never to be had

Fighting for your attention
Craving all your love
I woke up in the hospital
Where I saw a white dove

On the cab ride home alone
A sense a peace falls over me
A self-proclaimed Christian
Something you will never be.

Every time I got into that car I dreamed of leaving you
Heading South to a new town where no one knew my name
Forgetting the pain you were causing me
I could have fit everything in that car

I saw you holding her hand downtown
In that tiny little city where nothing remained a secret
I went back to your house, our home
Where you promised me things would change
Where we'd be a family

It took less than an hour to get everything out
It all fit in that car
I took the dog
I called my mother, admitted defeat

You didn't call to ask where I was
Where I had gone
Where the dog went
You knew

I headed North
A true blessing on the rise
With each mile
A bigger smile on my face

There was snow on the ground when I got there
I drove straight to the beach
I dipped my feet in the icy waters
I felt nothing
I felt everything

I started from scratch
In a big city where no one knew my name
I began trusting my soul again
I fell in love with myself again
I didn't hear from you for two years

You called me at midnight
On a Tuesday in May
To tell me you were marrying her
That you were sorry for the pain you caused me
How you shifted my life

I thanked you.

Do you remember the first time alcohol touched your lips?
A plastic water bottle filled with your neighbors *****
A new taste and smell enter your atmosphere
The warm air wraps its arms around you

Is this what being numb feels like?
Your head clouds
An overcast day has set in your mind

Has everything always been this beautiful?
Has everything always felt so raw?
Your inhibitions are gone
You are free to float as you please
A sloppy smile creeps across your face
You close your eyes

The freedom you craved has been achieved
And now all you want is the safety behind your door
Fireworks go off in the distance
The air turns cold
The sweater you brought is gone

Laying down feels like floating
Mocking waves rock you to sleep
You are unaware of the journey you have just begun

There is a steady white wash of noise
It pulls your body closer
Your heart rate elevates
The air is thick with warmth
The mist delivers salt on your lips
A crash on shore hits you square in the chest

I can purify myself out there
You go under the water
Emerged in dark and light
Cold rushes over you
You are floating and fighting

My eyes are closed as I take each step
Forward, forward, forward
My shoulders ache with the pain of knowledge from the past
Let it go, they say, time heals everything
Forward, forward, forward
And it does
Running in the sand I wonder if you've touched this part of the beach
Forward, forward, forward
Did you know that we'd fall in love?
That fateful night, alone outside, you changed my life
Forward, forward, forward
And now I take each step with you in my mind
I can not consume this
You have taken my soul
Forward, forward, forward
I give and I give and I give
I want you to take it all.