Shay Petterson: Favorites

Feb 2015 Shay Petterson

Sunbird

Feb 2015 Shay Petterson

Day

Sunbird

-

you took a half of me that i didn't know i'd ever notice was missing the second you looked in my eyes and said my name like you'd always known you'd become my greatest tragedy, because you already read from the script

-

i was drawn in by your devil-may-care grin and blinded by an immediate want to be wanted

i fell in love with the way you forgot to be who you thought people expected you to be when you were with me

and when you were with me ( i could almost swear you loved me, too )

-

maybe my confusion grew on the midnights you'd call me and ask me to come lay with you- just lay with you, like i was the only thing that scared away your demons

or maybe it came about when you pressed tears into my skin on a day that was supposed to be about me but ended up being about you and, honestly, i didn't even care what the day started for

either way,

i would've let every day be about you.

-

you never apologized and, if i have forgiven you for anything else because you make me weak,

i will find a way to never forgive you for that

-

i can assure you no woman will ever learn to cherish you like i did

i'll let you live hypothetically, though-

even if one did, i promise you she'd never be able to care about you like i would have if you'd have let me

-

you birthed the meaning of two words for me in those winter months, words my father prayed i'd never have understood

i can sing songs of unrequited affection better than any skylark

and i'm learning to tack melody to a sonnet about healing better than any plant who's lost their sun

-

i wish i didn't miss you this much

-

""Missing" is a part of moving on." - Unknown

Got rid of any lingering feelings about it. About him. I'm content and I've been content, but people keep expecting me to feel so, there. I felt. I've dusted my hands of it. I want to be done. It's been time to close this chapter.

#love #end #unrequited #rant #vent

Feb 2015 Shay Petterson

Breathe on

Feb 2015 Shay Petterson

JC Lucas

Breathe on

Breathe, breathe on.
let's sit across from each other
so we can
breathe
each other in.

I can smell the pheromones
in your hair
from the next room over
I'm listening to
you
pack the last of your
things
and I'm asking myself if you're really
trying
to make that much noise
or if you're just
******.
and you shout that I'm being an *******
and start to leave
and I wonder if you can smell
the *****
on my breath
when I say
"bye."

and I wonder if you really misheard me when I slurred it
or if you just wanted to hear me say
something
else.

And I wish there were something else I could say
to make everything better
and put you on the other side of that closed door
so we could sit
and breathe
each other in
and get high
on the tension
on the pheromones
on the *** stained on my breath.

But you're not.
You're outside
and I'm inside
and I can't hear you breathe
or sing
or cry
or say our names
separated by a miles-long ampersand
or whatever it is you're saying to whoever you're saying it to.

and instead I'm just getting high on cheap cigarettes and cheap ***
thinking about
everywhere
that's not the bed I have to sleep alone in tonight
thinking about
everywhere
you could be riding that bicycle.
thinking about
anything
I could have invented to say to you
but it has all been said.

So breathe on,
and I'll try to do the same
between the long drags
and drams of cheap *****.
and in time, maybe
there will be
something
to be said.

Feb 2015 Shay Petterson

Untitled.

Feb 2015 Shay Petterson

JC Lucas

Untitled.

To walk until this gradual curve gives out-
Or to walk until the point where "up"
is sideways

and jump.

I'd fall for countless hours
pass all the stars and waywards
who, like myself
couldn't walk a straight line in broad daylight
I'm too sober
and too addicted to vice
I'm a pincushion of anxious
and when the tension releases,
explosions shake my achy feeble frame
or just plain mistakes get made
I feel like I can't handle life
I feel like I can't cope
with even the slightest feather's poke
I feel useless
a self-destructive nuisance
who speaks grandiose
and uses words like verbose
but couldn't tie my own shoes
-note that these don't have laces-
or might miss a bus cause
"**** look at those clouds"
or
"man, bees are super weird"
and meanwhile I'm crashing through china shop two.
I'm a bull without horns,
ever bitter, never scorned.

so I'll walk in silly circles
until this curve gives out.
I'll walk until I'm back where I started
and change course
I'll walk until my own head makes sense
I'll walk until I feel like I have enough room in my body
to contain me.
I'll walk until my legs give in
and my shoulders slump forward
from exhaustion or boredom
I'll walk until I figure out there is no
"up"

and jump.

I wrote this while backpacking Europe. I have still not stopped walking.

Feb 2015 Shay Petterson

Thou.

Feb 2015 Shay Petterson

JC Lucas

Thou.

Thou.
I can't think of a more romantic word.
and who was the genius who first said "thou"?
who distinctified another human being from all the other
"it's"
and realized that whoever that was, that first
"thou"
saw the world just as he did?
and perceived him just as he perceived them?
brilliant *******.

He,
Whoever he was,
was the first man to grasp true
empathy.
To identify with another human not as an object,
or an animal,
"but as another of himself"
an extension of himself.
himself.
itself.
thyself.

It is one of the oldest existing words,
and has not undergone any major change in tenthousand years.
Perhaps this is evidence that we were,
in fact,
built
in pairs.

Which raises the question of who the first "thou"
was
and his relationship to whomever first said it.
I like to think they were lying across from one another,
he and his partner
or she and hers
and it occurred to one of them that the person opposite them
saw
them too.

Thou art.
as I am.

Next must have come "we"
or some variation thereof.
Thou,
I,
thou and I.
We.
Us.

What was the brilliant sonofabitch who first uttered "us"?

I wonder if he died alone.

Feb 2015 Shay Petterson

Chains

Feb 2015 Shay Petterson

JC Lucas

Chains

My knuckles will bear a scar
From where they collided with your teeth
Until the skin heals completely.
I will bear a scar within
Until I learn to forgive
You
And myself
And everyone
For being what we are
Which is sometimes
Terrible, terrible
People.

But all this anger
These fifteen-pound chains I carry as weapons of self defense
Are not hurting
Anyone
Who is trying to hurt me.
They are doing
nothing
But weighing me down
And I'm sick and tired
Of trudging the streets of this city of headstones
With them in tow.

They are doing nothing for me.
And I will drop them
Just so soon
As I get over
Myself.

Feb 2015 Shay Petterson

Ode to Smoke

Feb 2015 Shay Petterson

JC Lucas

Ode to Smoke

A steamy trail of particulate vapor issues from her lips
tracing the outline of her silhouette and rising
up,
up,
it diffuses into nothingness

Don’t listen to what your parents or teachers tell you, kids-

smoke is very ****.

she exhales again

slithers languidly through the still air
stretching for something-
rolls across my coffee table
like dunes in fast-forward
drips off the edges-

-gone.

She puffs a thick ring at me
it crosses through the void space toward me;
I reach out to touch it- to grasp it
and it dissipates;
she grins-

such teasing.

Smoke is-
and
is not-
it traces the airflow-
the negative space
like a jungle cat pretending to be
the light between the leaves

she knows this
and she can see that I know she does

Smoke
is why I am so captivated
So fascinated
so mesmerized
so transfixed
by her
and in general-

by women.

Feb 2015 Shay Petterson

human.

Feb 2015 Shay Petterson

JC Lucas

human.

Growing up,
           They tell you all about how the world will
                                                                      surprise you,
                                                               as you grow
                                               older and
                    how cruel life can
                                        be and how heartless
                                                                         people can be.

                      What is more important is what they
                                                  don’t
                  tell you; about how you will surprise
                                         yourself-

             With the things you do,
              incredible things-
              the things you make,
                                     but also your ability

                        to destroy-

     and that, though your intentions may be pure,
                            you will
                                    cause pain to others.
                                                   that you,
                                                         yes, you,
                                                             you yourself,
                                    will have moments of heartlessness
                                                        and selfishness
                                                              and cruelty.

                    And that
is what it means
                  to be

                                       human.

#pain #human #cruelty #destruction #humanism

Jan 2015 Shay Petterson

Letters.

Jan 2015 Shay Petterson

JC Lucas

Letters.

Everything I write is letters.
Letters to my future self,
my past self
my conscious mind from my unconscious mind
letters to dead friends
letters to living friends I can’t speak aloud to
letters to god
letters to everyone all at once
letters to you.

Everything I write is letters

ell
ee
tee
tee
ee
arr
ess

A book is made of letters the same way a body is made of atoms
letters make words
like atoms make molecules
and molecules make cells make tissues make organs make bodies

and then fire breaks us back down to atoms
to ashen dust

So try to see the individual letters
because that’s all we ever were,
anyway
bodies built of grains of sand

books built of letters.

Jan 2015 Shay Petterson

Between Spaces

Jan 2015 Shay Petterson

JC Lucas

Between Spaces

It’s not a question of
who
but a question of
where
I am.

I am the median between the street and the sidewalk
I am the threshold of every waiting room
I am the space between spaces
I am shadows looming
and fumes pooling above puddles
of spilt kerosene

neither seen
nor heard,
but felt
in the vignette of a dated photograph
the border between
fine
penciled lines

I am the mist after rain
I am scars
and streaks where tears have stained the shells
of crustacean people
I am crushing hangovers
and embers glowing

Who am I?

I am the
    spaces
       between
spaces

Stairwells and parking lots
unmarked graves
        condensation on a whispered word
     floating up into
     frigid twilight

          under an off-white
half-
                               moon.

Jan 2015 Shay Petterson

It's just me.

Jan 2015 Shay Petterson

JC Lucas

It's just me.

Late nights alone.
Doesn't really matter which.
Sure, I could go get laid.
but that wouldn't even begin to bandage my problems.
Sure, I could watch some girl with daddy issues ******* in a chat room.
but that wouldn't even begin to fill the void in me.
And sure, I could drink this whiskey,
and I could pass out again.
In fact, I think I just might.
In my dreams I don't have to be lonely.
I can see the curl of your hair splayed in fresh grass.
In my dreams there's no difference.
And this whiskey's just going to help me get there,

right?

That's all we ever wanted anyway, right?
To love and be loved back
to trust and be trusted
to push,
and feel some *******
RESISTANCE
for jesus christ sakes?

Or maybe not.
I'm starting to think it's just me.

It seems the world's perfectly happy
with their g strings
their foam parties
their cam girls
their sitcoms,

their pleasure.

but not mine.

#love #lonely #lust #society #pleasure