I see a clean piece of skin, please let me drag a blade through it my mind is telling me, "Come on you won't feel a thing.", even though I knew I was going to bleed. I lied to myself once again.
The pain was just so beautiful even though it lasted for a second, it was worth that small moment of happiness.

I'm so ugly... but I really miss who I used to be.

I miss my clear lungs, not the ones that are presently black and filled with cigarette smoke.

I miss my clean wrists, not the ones that are now filled with tally marks.

I miss my mind that was once cleanly open minded and free to the world around me, not the one that now sees into 4th dimensions with drugs that are ******* me up.

I miss my fat thighs, not the ones that are still fat, but that now have countless scars across them.

I just really miss who I used to be.

I smile and laugh simply to make everyone else happy, but why am I not truely happy?

Why do I cry myself to sleep, and why am I filled with scars and bruises?

I wish I didn't feel like this, why can't this pain be a choice so that I can chose not to feel like this.

Why can't I be normal and not be sad all the time, and why can't I just love myself?

Why?

I know how it feels to break down (I'm all too familiar to it) I know what it feels like to cry in the shower so no one can hear you.

I know how it feels to wait for everyone to fall asleep just so you can cry yourself to sleep.

I know exactly what it feels like to hurt so bad and just wanting everyone to go away and everything to end.

I know.

I am dying, a slow and painful death it feels as if life is testing me with every single breath.