A feeling I've never felt before. I thought I had that feeling before until you entered my soul. I thought it had been taken before and it never was. A feeling I've never felt before. My whole body looses control, my voice box expels as you make me sing... hit high notes, hit low notes. A feeling I've never felt before. After my soul lays in your arms vulnerable. Shocked. A feeling I've never felt before. You helped me loose control. You helped me get lost. A feeling I've never felt before, there's no way no other man could give me that feeling... I thought I have felt that before but you are really my first.

I am whole with others but with you in my life, my heart remains broken. When you are not around, my heart is one. They say to heal a wound, you must not touch it. Over time I've constantly touched it. Every time I speak to you, my scab on my heart is ripped off and I feel everything you put me through. In order to heal a wound, you must not touch it. In order to keep my heart whole, I must distance myself from you... forever. I must refrain from hurting myself because I value the health of my heart.

Do not go looking for it and you shall find it. Don't be afraid to fall for yourself, don't be afraid to trip on anything you thought was tied. Look into the eyes of those around you as what your searching for is already there. The ones our heart may beat for might have started as something you overlooked. You didn't expect it, but now it's expected.

They walked through the door of my life thinking they could play me like a new toy. "She's pretty, probably a heartless fool like the rest". Not knowing I am a woman of substance. They complain of how women are unloyal but when good women are in their presence they can not see her. They are blind. I have a heart and no matter how much I am played or hurt my heart will forever love in another round. They were not just blind, they were also judgmental, selfish and ignorant. They claimed they wanted a good woman but in reality they showed me they were not ready. They treated me like trash. They treated me like I was the woman who broke them so I left them. I gave them the truth that their hearts didn't work, were not capable of allowing the love I offered with their commitment issues. I left them where they were in life, never to talk to them again. As a good woman... I know I am a queen. I know how to love a good man and treat him as a king. For now and forever, by knowing my worth & with my experience only a good man can step foot through the doors of my kingdom and enter into my palace.

I listened to role models by J. Cole for the hundredth time and I finally heard it. It was a message to our women, No Role Models To Speak Of. He spoke of women who knew he had a girl but encouraged him to act like a dog they cry about. He spoke of "I don't want no ***** from reality shows", he spoke of meaningless *** women has allowed of him and "Kick em to the door, that just how it goes". He made a song and that's all most women of today will hear from No Role Models by J. Cole, another tune. It's not another tune, it's a message. I know because I was one of those women who never heard the message in 2014, today I here it loud in clear some years later. He looks back at his past and No Role Models To Speak Of. It all starts with women and I'm sure he wish women demanded more of what they deserve. Men like complexity, a challenge and as men they deserve that too. He claimed the women didn't even show him worthy of wearing his shirt home. "Lame ****** Cant Tell A Difference, One Time For A ***** Who Knows". He wants an Ant Viv love, he said he was too young for Lisa Bonet, Nia Long... all he's left with is ******* from reality shows who can't even read a script. Can't get mad at him that his only regret is not being able to take Aaliyah home.

You met me at a bad time in my life. You doubt me. She's nothing, she's no good anyway. I had my faults, I wasn't perfect but I loved with all my heart. My loyalty was rare. That's something you can't take away from me. Today, I stand in the sun and no longer in the shade... no longer in the darkness. I wanted you to come stand in my light for once, where I smile more and worry less. When I left and you looked for me I was there and opened the door. Now that I leave, you have shut it. I stood in the dark alone and now I stand in the light alone. Now, I accept it and I close my door too but unlike you I will lock mine and close my peep hole so when you come knocking I won't look out and I will continue to live happier without you.

I want to fall in love. I want to fall so deeply, so hard in love. I don't want to just love... because I have loved many times before but for once I need someone to open a new door and to adore and love me. I have loved but I have never been in love. I have never had a man love me back... not even my father. I want to fall in love and I want someone to fall in the same hole of love as me and make it our own little hole. Let's fill our hole together and make it whole. Simple. Fall into eachothers holes as if it was our hearts and bury eachother in respect, playfulness, understandment, compassion, trust. I just want to fall in love and yet those like me, remain unloved.

She said "I miss the old Samira, the funny Samira". I thought about who I use to be, smirked & laughed on the inside. I whispered to myself "She didn't even really know who "the old" Samira was & this "funny Samira" had a hard time laughing when she was alone. Today, Samira is her own best friend & she finds peace in stating "I don't need peoples approval who never even knew who I really was". If you see change in someone, maybe they stopped caring about what you thought and decided to live for them only for the time being. Hopefully that time Being is for the rest of their life.

I never thought it'd come to this... a point where we no longer exist. My feelings are gone, my pain is gone, my care is gone. I have nothing left in me for you to co-exist. I never even thought another man could take your place, to only show me better & put nothing but a smile on my face. I was lost. I didn't know anything else but you, that was the case.. but I learned we were mild and I thought we were hot. Let's call this new guy O... see, he makes it hot but not just sexually... he embraces me mentally & emotionally. You only gave me physically. I accept that now your just a ghost to me. I use to be hurt but I thank God, this is what it's suppose to be. I'm so happy you gave O a chance to get close  to me.

My fathers children grew up without a father in there home. My fathers children are very excited everytime they see him, they think he's great, loving and sweet. They think maybe mommy & daddy just didn't workout. My fathers children didn't grow up with him like I did. My fathers children never saw the monster I saw as a dad. I wish I was my fathers children. They looked at me in spite "She gets everything and my dad". I wish I was my fathers children. They never got to see a real monster in the dark. They never got to live the same nightmare as me. They'll never know they were better off without him. It saddens me that they wish they had there dad 24/7 but that's the worst wish they could make.

He has goals, he has drive, he has ambition and the most attractive quality about him... He knows exactly what he wants. I wonder, who raised him? How did he become this way? To me he is great. He could lead and build an empire if he wanted to and that's the type of man that I can respect the most. When you look at him, he's tough to the core but inside there's depth. Caring, Mature, intelligent, cultured, athletic & so much more... He's a man of substance.

You don't have to be the one. You don't have to be the one to love me or accept my love. You don't have to be. You don't have to realize I'm a good woman. I don't need you. I don't need to have you in my life. I don't need you or anyone. I need myself. I need those who see me for me. I need real love. I need what's real. Deep down we will never work. I turn a new page and you stay in chapter one. My heart beats warm blood when yours... cold & old. Your heart is stuck on a little girl who cheated on you. You don't allow your heart to see I'm a woman who was brought into your life to show you differently. You never open up. Getting you to speak is like pulling your teeth out. You make excuses as to why you could not treat me right. Some can never treat a woman right, even if you get married I still know you as the man you showed me. Even if I'm still single, I am better off than your wife is. I'm aware. I know the real you. Your image could not change who I see even if you smile and look to be doing better off. You can't fool me. I know I'm better off without you.

We had each other so many times but it all felt like my very first time. *** had become foreign to me. Things were different. Things were exciting. Things were fun. Things were new.
@Samiraleoness

In my head, I have walked into some dark rooms. In my heart, it has stopped beating and died a few times. My soul has gotten lost. My eyes have dried of tears. My emotions numb, my skin hurt. I begin to put up a wall, a false persona. The beautiful woman you see today who is always smiling. The beautiful woman you see today who has it all together. What hides inside, makeup can cover up. No one can look at me and see the loneliness, how much I crave affection, how much I crave what's real, how much I crave a friend. In this generation I feel lost. I feel alone. I feel no faith. Today, I focus on myself. Today, I love myself hard.... because no one else has.

What is it like to be hurt by your own father? For him to emotionally, verbally and physically abuse you. What is it like to watch your father beat your mother and almost **** her? What is it like? What is it like for the man that's suppose to love you and protect you the most do the very opposite? What if he told you that he loved you all your life and when you got older you realized that wasn't true because your older now & know that real love doesn't hurt. All these questions, I have the answer to because I know what it's like. But my only question I can not answer is what is it like, to not have a father or know him?

When I was hurting, you were there. You didn't even know you were mending a broken heart. Your touch, your time, your attention... the way you showed me you cared. I was difficult at first but you taught me I no longer had to have fear. I could no longer fight it. A year ago, I never thought you'd be someone special to me today, at first I couldn't see... but you gave me sight. I can trust again, I might even can love again... but only with you.

Once you change, you grow. Once you grow, you live. Once you change and grow for the better... you begin to live to love yourself. It wasn't easy if the change is genuine and consistent. If you haven't gotten there yet, think of yourself like a cacoon, who grows into a caterpillar then grows into a colorful butterfly. You have to be dull in order to learn to be interesting. You have to be in the crowd for too long to step outside and fly alone... this is where leaders are born or "self made". Don't stay in the crowd too long.

Letting go of what once was. Letting go of hurt. Letting go of pain, and most importantly... letting go of the past. The past is now a memory that I have made peace with. The thought of someone else with you once made me loose my breath but now the thought is acceptance. I can move on, I can go away, I can leave you alone. It’s ok, I will survive.

When he looks into my eyes, I see a forever. I feel burning hot passion. Even if the fire we share in our hearts were to blow out, they would ignite  once again and again. Fun, friendship, no title and communication keeps us going. To be carefree and let go of all insecurities around each other.  To embrace him while  living in the moment. Be grateful for the moment. You don’t have to move too fast or even too slow... let your hearts connect naturally with no expectations. Move at a steady pace. What’s meant to be will become yours, and in that case, he is mine.
@samiraleoness

He was different than the rest. His voice, his words, his smell, his touch, his affection. She hadn’t met one like him in a very long time... she knew his love was all that she had been needing, all that she had been craving for the past years. He added happiness to her life, he added years before they could even start. Suddenly she loved again.

Two years ago, I met “him”. He was new to me but familiar as he reminded me of my father. Arms & chest full of tattoos. I was afraid of his exterior, he seemed tough & a little rough. I had just moved to the city as a small town kinda girl. He was so cool, chill and had good vibes. I remember it like it was yesterday. It’s all about how you make someone feel, and he made me feel safe. Today, two years and a month later... I see so much in him. A student athlete, a hardworker, a college student and a young man with so much potential. I’ve left before but I could never leave again. I could never block him out again.

All the freedom in the world yet I choose to stay at home. Home is my safety place, where I recharge my energy. Home is where family is, the loves of my life. Home is where I rest and fall in love with my bed over and over again. All the freedom in the world and I still choose home. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke. I read though. I read, I write, I read, I write. Long days at work, I choose home.