Motivation lies beneath the surface of my skin
Peel it back and let the deprecation sink in
But where do we begin?
From the fingertips where all my mistakes are made?
Underneath my shoulders where all my burdens are carried?
The flesh of my chest where my beating heart laments?
Or perhaps behind my face, see what lies beneath the mask?
Where do we begin, to see what lies within?

I hope that there is a lifetime
   an alternate reality
   a dream
   where you choose me
   the way I will always
   choose you

And I understand
   that it cannot be
   this time
   this place
   this life

But even so
   don't you think
   that it's a little cruel
   that you will always
   have me

In a way that I
   will never have
   you?

True muses never lose their luster
They just change the way they shine
You may not be sunlight on a crystal anymore
Nor the colors that fall through the cracks of a cloud
But you will always have little pieces
Of what we used to be
In those smokey quartz eyes
No matter how distorted our story becomes
To me, you will always glow
Like you have the sun in your veins

I hadn't heard from you in over a week
Knowing the fragile state of your mind
It felt like an eternity, a new reality forming
I was afraid that if I called out to you
On the edge of the abyss you'd fallen into
My words would just reverberate with no response

How do I save you
When you don't want to be saved?

The vicious cycle of losing my job
Then when I finally get one
Blistering my feet from standing
Just to pay rent

Of fighting with my cousin
To make him fight for himself
Of worrying about my sister
Knowing I'll never stop

And when things finally get better
I find myself jailed
In my minds self made dungeons
As if being content is just too much

I thought the butterflies in me
All shriveled up and died

But I feel caterpillars crawling inside

Butterfly season's approaching
And perhaps something in me awakens

Spread your wings and make me falter

Out of your chrysalis I beg
For butterflies to flutter again

I'm afraid that one day
You'll realize my feelings
And there will be no turning back
I'm even more afraid
That you'll realize
You feel the same

You've saved my life in a million ways beyond words
Beyond language- beyond feeling
You've given me lessons invaluable, unteachable
You've taught me what love is
What it means to love and how to accept it

And now, you ask the impossible of me
You ask me to imagine a world without you
Without that comfortable silence
Of just knowing somewhere in the world
You are under the same sky as me

You ask me to picture a world that doesn't exist to me
A world that cannot exist for me
A world where we are forever apart six feet
A world where you will always be out of reach
A world where I am leaving flowers on your grave
And not in your hands

A world where I kiss goodbye all the promises we made
A world where I sit at a tombstone with your name
Where I talk to memories and not to you

A tombstone with your name.

I would never be the same.

I would never be...

I don't even have the words to describe who I'd become
In a world where there is a tombstone with your name

How can I love, live and forgive in a world without you?
A world where my poetry doesn't go unread because of nerves
But because I am reading it to a tombstone with your name?

In a world where I can't reach out and feel you there
A world without you, it's a world without me too
Because the day I bury you
Is the day I bury me.

Sometimes you become
The things you love the most
When you lose them

I used to be the butterfly
Safe in my chrysalis
Metamorphosing

You were my moth
Eating away at my stomach
Like I was made of keraitn

You were like nothing
That I'd ever seen
That I'd ever dreamed

You were my moth among butterflies

You saw things in me
That I couldn't see for myself
That no one else tried to find

You consumed my mind
Grew fields of promises
Roots too deep to ever unearth

And I wish I could say
You became the butterfly
Transforming, healing

But I fear you never will
Maybe that is why
I became the moth

To eat whatever it is that's rotting you away

I was in a drought of words
They wouldn't flow like magic
Like they always did for you
I thought I felt so **** much
Yet I couldn't write a thing

And here you are,
A flood of words
An avalanche of feeling
And once they start to sprinkle
I'm left in a downpour

I tried to burn you with the Two of Cups
I hoped it would stop my love for you
But I didn't have the heart to let you go
So I fell asleep with the Three of Swords
I gripped the Lovers tightly to my chest
And hoped it'd some how stop the pain

You were the Magician and I was the Fool
I would always follow you right off the cliff
And like magic you would just keep walking
The same magic that carried you away from me
You just kept walking and I kept on falling for you

I was the Empress, but you weren't the Emperor
I was the Queen of Wands, but you weren't my King
I was the Hanged Man, you were the World and Wheel
I was a reversed Chariot, falling endlessly in love with you
and you were the Ten of Swords, you weren't ready to receive
The Ace of Cups overflowing with my love and adoration

But I am temperance, I can wait and back away

When you bought me flowers
every petal felt like a debt,
a heavy weight in a fragile vase.

Sunflowers, because they were yellow
I said they were my favorite like the color—
perhaps just to comply, to appease.

But truly, I like roses
in all their simplicity,
no hidden promises.

Will a bouquet ever feel the same
or are all flowers
just silent obligations?

I shy from kindness offered too quickly
wondering what it's meant to buy.

You do not know
what is yet to come,
as nothing yet
is set in stone.

I wish that I could
take all your worries,
turn them into gold
and build you a throne.

But I cannot build
with what I cannot hold,
and I cannot take away
what I cannot grasp.

So together we'll conquer
each daunting task,
and I'll hold you close
in a gentle clasp.

All my coins sink to the bottom of wishing wells
Ladybugs fly away with my hopes
And dandelions disappear with my dreams

Every birthday my prayers blow out with the flames
Shooting stars pass with unfulfilled promises
And wishbones never break for me

Maybe if I catch the falling leaves in autumn
If I tie my ritual ribbons around every trees branches
Or manifest with every ring I wear

I could one day save you from your despair

But for now,
I will continue wishing on everything I see
Seeking stars and elusive dreams

I wish I could tell you
Something other than
It'll be okay
Because I know right now
It feels as though it never will
So instead,
I'll tell you something
That you'll believe
That it will never be the same
It never has to stay as it is

So find a dandelion for me
And make a wish
Make a promise
To yourself
That it will never be the same
That one day
You will feel okay
Because you believed in someday

Like a moth drawn to a flame,
I can't resist the pain,
The world moves on, but I am stuck,
Unable to break the love-struck

I feel myself fall from the sky
Like a burned out broken star
A fleeting memory, a distant trace
Of feelings I can no longer face

Haunted by the things we used to say
The promises we made, the love we gave away
Though we are apart,
Your ghost still lingers in my heart

In the silence of the night,
I hear your voice
A distant echo
Of a long lost choice

My heart beats like a drum,
A rhythm that won't succumb,
To the memories of you and I,
A love that refuses to die

I know I should move on,
To find love that is not gone,
But my heart won't let me forget,
The love that we once had, and yet

I try to shake you from my thoughts,
But you're a memory that cannot be fought.
Your name echoes in my mind,
And the love we shared is impossible to unwind

I thought time would heal my heart,
That distance would set us apart,
But here I am, still longing for you,
A love that's pure, honest, and true

So I let myself drown in the pain,
Of a love that's lost, but still remains,
An ember burning in my soul,
A fire that refuses to grow old

Like a moth drawn to a flame,
I know I should move on,
To find a love that won't be gone,
But the thought of you, it lingers on

So I'll keep holding onto you,
Hoping that someday, you'll see me too,
And maybe then, we can start anew,
A love that's beautiful, honest, and true

I know I should try to forget,
To let go of this love and move ahead,
But my heart just won't comply,
It keeps on beating, asking why

I try to move on, to find another,
But my heart refuses to love any other
So here I am, still holding on,
To a love that's already gone

Hoping that someday you'll see,
The love that you once had in me
But I know I must let go of the past,
And move on to a love that will last

We block out tragedy
With insensitive jokes to hide our fears

Put a pause on the tears
That feel like a painful rain

Push away the horror and trauma
While hoping for sun to reign again

Knowing that the uncertain future
Will inevitably unravel before us

And only we can pick up the pieces
Of a broken history that crumbled before our eyes

We hold up our open hands
Though the world tells us to hold them shut

We help where we can
And we shatter where we can't

The closer people get to me the faster they seem to walk away
When I find someone I can confide in, show my vulnerability
They can't even tell and I guess that's what's wrong with me

My words are cold and lackluster
They leave you feeling confused
Questioning their motive

I try to hard to be fair and unperceivable
Because the moment I am perceived they see I'm full of flaws
No one stays around long enough to prove me wrong

He's married to misfortune
bewitched by the pain
those cruel and unwelcoming eyes
tore him limb from limb
his trust disposed of
like a used and worn down crutch
crumbled down so small
till it could be carried away on the wind
he dissolved until
all he had left to call his own
was a shriveled piece of hope
caught inside a spiderweb
of fear and deception

I tore through the silk of insecurities
I fought through all the lies
till my arms were numb and heavy
I carried his hope
cradled in my arms
like a newborn baby
and when I found him
laying in his chasm of dispair
he turned from the light
but I stood my ground
I held him without a sound
I held onto his withered form
in my weary auspicious arms
until he turned around and
at last embraced himself in forgiveness
and reclaimed his hope once more

But I've been wed to 'almost'
a sly hex placed on me
where I almost get to cherish him
I almost get to erase his burdens
where I almost take his worries in my hands
and bury them in my own
I almost have the right to ease his mind
I almost get to be more
than a healing hand
a refracted beacon of light
where I almost get to hold him
where I almost get to stay by his side
till the stars become one with the Earth
I almost get to sheild him from loneliness
I almost get to protect him
and guard his traumatized heart

A curse so fowl and deep
that he is always almost within my reach
yet our hands can never seem to touch
where I almost get to dry his tears
where I almost help him see his worth
I almost get to save him
from all those unkind words
that slip from his mind and out his mouth
that leave those marks across his heart
I almost stop those cruel voices
full of betrayal and envy
But worst of all I must live with the everyday
realization that had I been
just a little more selfish...
He was almost mine

I feel like you are stealing my art
Burning it alive like a forest fire before my eyes
I reach out and it disappears
A faded memory like a ghost in foggy glass
I breath the words, I crave, I lust for them
And 502 gateways are locking them away

Release my vice, I need my sin.

Old sanctuaries made of roses
Bright red, in full bloom
With petals unwavering and bright
All eventually sprout thorns
Growing briars so thick,
So sharp and strong–
That your hands can no longer
Push through to peace
And eventually old safe havens
Become just that
Something settled in dust
Letting rust and shade
Cover all the shimmer and shine
And you are cast from sanctuary

No longer fit to grow among roses

I'm delusional, that must be it
Because I still think we are soulmates
When we were hardly even dreams

I have messy handwriting, everyone says so
But I will still write you poetry despite the appearance
I will pass them to you at any chance I get
On index cards and sticky notes or even in a gum wrapper
In halls during the afternoon or parking lots at midnight
Anytime our paths may cross I will surely have one for you

Whether or not you can read them
Probably won't matter to you
Because I understand you know within every messy line
Are all the feelings I race out to deliver
All at once they mold together
But I hope it still makes you smile

Looking at those little awkward characters
I hope they remind you of me
The clumsy writing that looks like my stuttering self
As you are the one who makes me crumble into pixie dust
I become so sweet and childish when you so much as look at me
My dear muse, my writings wouldn't be the same without you

Writing has always been my favorite hobby
I feel so much more through ink and paper
Than I do in my skin and soul

Why does this relationship feel like unrequited love?
I knew loving each other would be our downfall
But I didn't think it would feel so empty and lonely

I could handle hurt from anyone else
But the person who built me up
Should never have been the one
To tear me right back down

I heard you weren't doing well
It hurt
I wished I could have reached out
And told you I was still here for you
But my better judgement told me "No"

I tried so hard to remember why we drifted so far apart
I couldn't recall the weopon, only the memory of the wound

But now the memory of that day is clear
The way you told me I wasn't enough
The first person to tell me I was
The first person who made me believe

You were the crack that started the spiderweb that weakened my glass
You left me vulnerable for the next false Messiah to completely shatter me

You promised me peace and brought me devestation
You promised me a temple of confidence and instead broke me with insecurity
You didn't take my side, left me defenseless
You threw me into the wolf den without a warning

Our friendship was full of nothing but falsehoods and pretenses, worthless promises that did us no good

But I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish you happiness
It's not in my nature to be unforgiving and cruel
I don't have room in my heart for hatred and grudges
You may have hurt me, but I don't want to hurt you

My hands dance across the spiderwebs of fate
My eyes see inside, above and below
They see into now, never, before and beyond
My hands paint the pictures of possibility
They unfold the stories that no other knows

A possible future
A distant past
A painful present

My, I see it all within your palm
With my cards, my stones and with my pendulum
I know all as I read
The leaves, the bones, the flames and smoke

I have all these tools at my disposal
To uncover mysteries far beyond my mortal sight
And yet somehow I never see
What is standing right in front of me

He means the world to me
But nothing to himself
He is everything to me
How can I make him see?

That he has golden ichor in his veins
His heart beats a mythic tune
When he speaks my world comes undone
A siren sound that lures me close
With his eyes of Smokey Quartz
And the ambrosia on his tongue

Flowers wilt and rot
Yet every season he remains
He’s a treasure that can’t be hidden away
He is priceless in my eyes,
I’ll bleed the world till it sees

I used to think that love
would always be
enough

But my love
however endless
can not save you

Because I've loved you more
than you love yourself
and my heart that beat
for you
could not beat
for yours

You called on Valentine’s Day,
out for dinner with friends.
Their confused laughter in the background,
a soft ambiant noise of the world around you.

You said, Let’s pretend, just for fun,
that you’re here, sitting right across from me.
So I smiled, and I closed my eyes,
letting your words paint the moment.

I imagined the clink of glasses,
the soft rustling of menus,
I let myself be transported there,
as if this was a reality we could share.

And for a while, I let myself believe
that this was what it could feel like,
if we ever crossed the line between pretend and real,
between the almost and the never.

But as always, the laughter faded and the call ended,
I was left with the ache of what could never be.
Just another moment of ours,
in a world of make-believe.

And so, I sat in the silence
after we hung up, I felt trapped there
still only in the realm of "what if"
where love always lives just out of reach.

I've always been afraid
Of living in a world
Without you there
Because I'm not that brave

I think about sitting at your grave
Leaving flowers
Picking the petals as I tell you about my day

It would never be enough

I think about it way too much
And now reality threatens me
With my nightmare becoming my world

You think one day the hole will heal
That one day I'd be okay
That time would fill your absence

But I couldn't wait for it to fill
I'd fill myself instead with substance
I'd lose myself to losing you

I couldn't follow you in spirit or in soul
But my body and my heart would die and decompose with you

As your body rots so too would I
As your flesh decays and turns to goo
So would mine

As the light leaves your eyes, so too would mine.

If letting go was an easy thing
Then like balloons we'd all be mindlessly drifting
With no hand to hold us, to ground us
We'd soar higher and higher
With no thought of ever coming down

Who'd ever want to come back down to Earth once they've lived among the stars anyway?

If he were a poem
   he would be both starlight on a crystal
   and untouchable sunlight through the clouds
   in a miraculous acrylic portrait
   he's something reminiscent of an ancient time
   where love flowed freely
   against it's turmoil and twists
   because he is endless where he began
   a being with no end or compass to land
   he is someone I've loved

If she were a poem
   she would be a window view of autumn leaves
   curled with a good book and fresh brewed tea
   she is a porcelain doll with many cracks
   cracks I tried to fill with laughs
   that foolishly I thought would last
   because she was a drop of honey
   in a poisoned glass
   she is someone I've loathed

If my best friend were a poem
   she would be stained glass windows
   during the golden hour
   wine stained colors dancing on sunlight
   tracing along my skin
   because she feels like a fractured memory
   of true religion and a cacophony
   of all that good faith could be
   she is someone I need

If I were a poem
   I wonder what I'd be?
   would I be like a lark crying out to be heard
   singing into darkness
   just till the moment passes?
   or would I be more like an ivory statue
   a moment frozen in something ephemeral?
   I can guess and theorize
   but I will never know

Because I am the poet-
                                             and not the muse.

Breaking up with someone mutually
Knowing you both still love eachother endlessly
Feels like your whole body is grieving
My heart and fingers are shaking
And my eyes are stinging from the mascara mixing with tears
The worst part of it is that I'm not sad or angry
I know I'm okay, but unfortunately my heart isn't as rational as my brain

You don't have to worry, I'm okay

I loved you like a melody loves to be sung
Like a poem loves to be read
Or how a performer loves the spotlight

I treasured you like a person treasures their first love
Like a dragon treasures it's jewels
Or how Yin treasures Yang

I felt safe with you like a child in their mothers arms
Like a Princess feels safe with her Knight
Or how a caterpillar feels safe inside it's chrysalis

I've missed you the way the sea misses the shore
The way a flower misses spring
Or how a caged lion misses the Savannah

I long for you like a droughted land longs for rain
Like an idea longs for creation
Or how pain longs for release

I fell for you like a raindrop from the sky
Like a tear from the eye
Or how a snowflake melts into a warm palm

And I'd still silence your storms
Make the world wait for you
Hold your hand till you feel fine
Change the darkness into a blinding dawn
Bloom a rose in the snow

But I walk away from you like a Knight swears an oath
Like a King protects his country
Or how a poor mother gives her child away

I crumble for you like a Kingdom turned to ash
Like a child under pressure
Or how sand falls through an hourglass

I sacrifice for you, like a lover for their beloved

As a child I was told to never speak about my faith
I felt such fear and shame when my mother said those words
Will they truly burn me at the stake?
My mind was trapped in innocent confusion

I went to church with my grandmother as a child too
They told me my soul would be ****** to hell if I don't bow my head and pray
They said trust in the Lord for I am his child, or sin like Lucifer and be punished in purgatory
With such threats what was I to think?
My love of the moon, kindness to the spirits and adoration for the Earth-
Will it truly make me a sinner, will I really rot in hell?

I bit my tongue and closed my eyes
When I was asked if I believed in God
For I could never say I did
And I feared saying I did not
It felt like I'd be killed on the spot
All because I believed what they did not

As I grew up my fear remained
It felt like a secret, my soul felt tainted
But as time passed on that fear subsided
If it is my belief then why must I hide?
When that thought emerged I felt relief
If my pentacle means safety and protection to me
Why must I hide it from the ones who wear the crosses which mean the same?

My religion is not wrong
My belief is mine and mine alone
It took so long to understand these things that should be common sense
Because since early on I was told that I was wrong
But I removed the veil of lies that covered my eyes
I broke free from the chains of doubt and fear
And I ran from the expectations of society that bound me

I dwelled there for so long, suffocating in my 'sins'
As a child I had to feel like a criminal
When all I wanted to be
Was a child of the Goddess,
wrapped in her loving light

That's not who I am anymore
That quiet day girl doesn't exist
I forgot she ever did at all
But she changes everything

I was more than blind
More than a little unkind
I was an eclipse that shattered the sunshine
And while that version of me is gone
All her scars still remain

Run from me and never look back
And I pray no one else ever hurts you like that

My sorry's aren't enough, not to me
I wanted to fill the broken cracks with gold
But I was the one who put them there
Quiet day girl may be gone
But I'll never forget that she was there

Quiet day girl should have changed sooner
She should have changed for you

I think I want to fall in love again
Before I turn into Orpheus
Or Edgar Allen Poe
Only writing of love I've lost
Love I miss

Maybe I want to fall in love again
Just to prove I can

My heart folds and bleeds
The love I have for you, it exceeds
I said I want to write like Edgar Allen Poe
But I didn’t mean I wanted his same woe

I love you, I always will and always have
But the fear of the memories being all I have
It makes me wonder what steps did I miss?
Was there a ladybug or dandelion where I didn’t wish?

Could I have begged the gods a little harder?
Surely there was more that I could barter
To fill you with more bliss
I’ve taken pages from all the myths

There is no price I would not pay
No sacrifice that would bring more dismay
Than losing the light you shine on my life
There is nothing more to fill me with more strife

I ponder more than I ought to
Of what would happen
If you went where I could not follow
And I wonder who it is I’d never forgive

The you who left
Or the me who let you?

You called the night before Valentine's,
a normal call, out of nowhere—like always.
Said, Let’s pretend, just for fun,
that we’re each other’s valentines.

And I played along, like I always do.
Like I haven’t spent years loving you
in the spaces between our calls,
in the silences after we say goodnight.

You told me to pretend you'd sent dark chocolates,
the only kind I'd like, you made sure to ask.
Along with of course, a bouquet of roses—
but curiously you said you’d kept one stem for yourself.

So I’d know that when yours wilted,
it was time to send more, you said.
And for a moment, I let myself believe
that love could be that simple, that beautiful.

But of course, it was only for fun, right?
Just the quiet truth settling in my chest—
that no matter how much love lingers unspoken,
we will always be something imagined,
always a story that never steps past pretend.

Letting go of my feelings for you
Making you smile
Protecting that fragile happiness
Being your friend
That is my favorite sacrifice,
And I'd make it again and again

Even if it feels like ice has covered
Every single inch of my skin
Like frostbite that covers
My heart, my mind, my eyes and ears
Shutting out every sense
That would bring me back
To my love for you,
As senseless as it may be

My love is too much
It's strong, careful, delicate and clingy
It will swallow you whole, keep you captive
And when you finally free yourself
That love will burn to ash
Like a moth that got to close to the flame
And I will be the one left keeper of the blame
Alone to hold back the tears in loves name

He carries my heart in the soles of his shoes
So when he's looking down it's not because he has the blues
I hold his dreams on my shoulders so when he's depressed
He'll have a safe space where his mind can rest

I feel like a web of broken promises
like a sandcastle about to crumble
into a pile of nothing but remnants
of something once so beautiful, now
to be reclaimed by the pitiless waves

I don't think we'll ever get to keep
those promises we made at 16
you feel so far out of my reach
like a phantom limb, I still feel you
so close, like you're still an integral
part of what makes me feel whole

But our time is running out, I feel it
the futures and dreams we cherished
are nothing but whispers on the wind
of a time when we could be optimists
of the days before you'd forgotten

How to be a dreamer

I feel somehow I am fooling you
That I'm not as captivating as you imagine in your mind
I'm not as mature or put together
I'm deceiving you surely,
I'm confused and all over the place
I'm hesitant and scared all the time
I always forget things, I'm not pretty or smart like other girls
I wear a mask of confidence
I'm not really so sure of myself
I'm truly terrified of all my uncertainties
So many qualities I wish to lose and wish to gain for you
But when you say my name I forget that these insecurities ever even mattered
How is it you see me so clearly that I only truly love myself with you?

I may not feel like I'm the prettiest girl in the world
But at least I know my heart needs the surgeries
Before the Doctors ever touch my face
And open me up like a game of operation
One more round of what's wrong with this chick
Fuel the world's desire for gossip, keep them in the loop
I roll my eyes at the social media craze
Before I cough out all my insecurity
Let me take control, heal myself from inside out
I'll pull myself back from deep inside
The chasms of all my heartaches and
Find my soul still swimming in
All my painful remedies that never let me down
As I let go of my thoughts of yesterday,
I find the beauty in my doubt

The memories feel like walking into spiderwebs
I try to shake them off but I still feel them linger
Beautiful and intricate but broken by my touch
No one thinks about the spiders that get displaced
When we waltz into their invisible silky homes
They'll never weave a web identical to what was lost
I wonder if they sit in their new webs sometimes
Dwelling on the ones they've lost
The same way I'm stuck in the memories
Like I'm caught in the ruins of their losses
And I wish I could feel like the fire in your hearth
But I know I'm the wind that blows it out

Just like the broom that clears the cobwebs

I'm tired of walking these parallel lines with you
Wondering if they'll ever cross again
I'm tired of moving on
Just to be drawn right back in
How is it fair
That I am doomed to fall for you
In a perpetual loop
A cycle that never ends
Why are you some labyrinth I can't escape?
I'm tired of loving you and losing you
But never really having you to begin

But gods, it really is just your voice
One phone call and the cycle starts again

I never used them
Love, Darling, Sweetheart
Perhaps because they mean too much
And I'm afraid to mean so much
Afraid to love someone that much

But wouldn't it be so nice?

He carries my heart in the soles of his shoes
So when he's looking down it's not because he has the blues

But lately it seems he forgets me at the door
He walks out into the world barefoot, sad and empty

I wish I could catch him before he leaves
Climb into his pocket and make him feel relieved

Watching from the window I am helpless as he sighs and frowns
On the window sill I sit on edge, patient and waiting for a chance to hold him

He looks like a person searching for something lost, something forgotten
But when he comes home he'll see it's me he has forgotten

I see him turn the corner of our street, he looks up at the window of our home
His gaze fills the room like sitting by a warm hearth

But he looks away and all that remains is the sounds of his shoes hitting the pavement
Our home is now cold and empty as he walks away

I wonder if you see my sorrow
And sunbathe in it
Do you feel more radiant
In the glow of my woe?

I bet it looks pretty on you,
The karma I bleed