I’m addicted to the feel of cold metal sliding across bare flesh
Addicted to the instant
when nothing marks smooth skin
immediately before
red rivers rapidly rise
painting a once white canvas
with a flood of emotion,
tears on my cheeks,
sobs caught in my throat,
numbness replaced by pain & sadness.
Addicted to the imperfection
of red welts and dotted scabs that follow,
fingers drawn like magnets
to the texture of healing skin,
tracing over and over and over now fading ridges
Amazed that I am strong enough
to heal myself over and over and over.
Convincing myself that I am strong enough.
I find strength in my weakness.

Hurt me
The wretched hand suffocates pleading lips
I gasp for air as the blood drips

Curse me
Unwanted whispers escape with my breath
Now's the time, I pray, slow death

Control me
Speeding, drive myself off the road
Burning mind, burning sight, it's my soul you corrode

I'm not possessed, I'm death obsessed.
I don't want to die, but I still fantasize.
I didn't ask for this, apathy created my abyss.
It's not me, at the altar still I'd plea.
It's my demons, laughing at my mortal misery.

It is the Muses
who have caused me
to be honred: they
taught me their craft

You were always loving me "despite"
I needed you to love me "because"

my eyes begin to close
once the sunrise i've seen

i eat nothing or everything
my weight on a trampoline

i'm quickly running out
of things to try, fix and clean

is it sunday? thursday?
maybe somewhere in between

who knew i'd hate school
even more, through a screen

i don't think i can get used to
this covid-19 routine

04.07.20

i was looking at the sky for a while
basking in star light
talking to the moon
i almost forgot it was still night

but the clouds served as a cruel reminder
that i never left the darkness
rather, it never left me
and the sun was never coming up
as far as i can see

the sun is never coming up

12.03.20