I was
lost

and you were there.

Standing upright,
uncertain and confident of the fact.

All of you were.

I was there when we first found one another.
Somewhere along the line we became you and I
in my mind.

All of you
and I.

We’re surprisingly similar
you and I
but the focus for me at the time was always on what made us different

what made us unique.

What I couldn’t find was what made us kin.
Connected by what other than us wanting to be so?

I want to say I know now
though I’ll never be certain without asking

which I’m afraid to do.
Will you think me the one that gone away

still lost.

I’ve grown
more confident of my uncertainty

much like all of us

that I know

Today blows
the wind is whipping
all the shutters closed
yet gusts of dust roll through me
not cutting
nor biting
but blustering breezily
as though I'm not there
as though I'm not aware of such zeitgeist climates
as those that I reside in

I am not here
and the air won't give me oxygen
as I'm caught within a cyclone of my own
Mine
that is me
has been me, mostly
no longer

On this day
let me be wrapped in aerial vestments
the warm west rekindling my breast
the cool east resetting my bones
bring me back from the brink I breached so long ago
and let my solid form settle the storm

What is a woman?
what makes her so?

Is it her body?

Of course not

Is it her mindset?

Of course not

What is it, then, that makes a woman a woman
other than her choice to be seen as such?

Or is it innate?

If neither the body or mind are the genesis
then do we even have a choice?

Are we simply the gender we are born as?
whatever essence settled in our embryonic bellies?

I couldn't say

All I know
is that when I choose to view myself as the woman I am
my conscience is kinder to and more supportive of me

And for me,
that's enough

I don't need an excuse to be happy,
don't forget that.

I don't have to assign blame for it,
like it's someone else's fault,
as though it's a negative.

I am happy.

Happy is me.

Put the star on the Christmas tree.

I'm not close enough
to you

This distance
is ******

We've been apart
two long
free to four or thrive

I wither with no connection
hating to hide in tense

and you keep guesses in repression

don't delve
into this lifetime
alone

No sleep 'til I'm dreaming
let exhaustion try and take my consciousness

I don't want to be awake anymore
but shutting my eyes is a waste of time

My bed is a wasteland of waking nightmares
and the air is hot in October

I thought tears could take me
but the last try I cried myself to activity

Melatonin is a hoax I hold no hope for
and **** is a drug that gets me ****** up

Even this isn't helping
maybe it can help you

A spastic in a cavern
reverberating passions
compacts patterned actions

Insanity dampened

A daft wit half lifted
listens with intention
past trending effervescence