I’m no longer alone now,
In my dreams.
Now there’s a dark shadow
And it’s watching me.

All.
The.
Time.

I don’t have a moment’s peace,
As it follows me,
Judges me,
Mocks me.

It’s faceless
And monstrous.
A void of broken trust
And hypocrisy.

There is no safety,
No sanctity,
And as things stand
No way out.

I wake haunted
And scan the darkness of my room
Am I really safe,
Alone,
No.
I feel eyes on me.

The shadow is there
I can’t escape the voice in my head
“They are always watching you"
And I’ll never be free.

It’s a dangerous thing
Giving power to the faceless
But I have none left to give
Because it was taken
Secretly,  silently,
And I can’t get that back.

I am betrayed.
Afraid
And lost.

If you are so intent to follow,
And watch me,
Then I’ll lead you to the darkness
And you can see it consume me.

Because of you.

Forgive me,
For I have failed you.
I cannot spare the kindness
You so desperately deserve.
My words are vicious
And biting, as I dig deep
At the flaws I see.

I was trying to be better than this,
But somehow it’s got twisted
And I can’t see the good,
The positive,
The righteous.

I am judgement,
Where I should be patience and understanding.
I am bitter,
Where I should be light and thoughtful.

I am dismissive.
I am cruel.

I am disappointed.

I am not proud of my behaviour,
Or my attitude.
But proper apologies aren’t ready yet.
I don’t have the words,
I haven’t processed this fully.

I am all rage
And no reason.

I will try to find my way back to myself
Then maybe, with clear thoughts,
I can try again.

Looking back,
As I so often do,
I have two words to say,
Thank you.

I have loved you
For all the time I’ve known you.
Even after distance fell between us,
Even after the words in anger were exchanged,
Even after you’ve forgotten me.
I remember,

And I love you.

Even now,
Even though we never speak,
Never laugh together,
Never take the time to check in.
Even now you are half a world away
Living your dreams in all their glory.

I still care,
I still wish you the best,
I still hope you find your peace,
Your happiness,
That your world is beautiful
Because you deserve that.

I hope you never feel alone.
I wish you all the love
And kindness
And friendship you can find.
I hope they bring you joy
And peace of mind.

And if the world ever does get dark,
Or you feel lost
I always have my phone,
My door is open,
And my heart ready
To welcome you home.

I promise, you are never truly alone.

I hear you calling from the shadows.
I hear you say my name three times.
I turn to face you but you’ve disappeared,
So I’m alone and don’t know why.

The street lights flicker out and darkness
Has surrounded me on every side
I look for exits but there are none,
Not when I’m already lost outside.

I start to run right through the blackness
Hoping you won’t chase me through
I panic at the sound of every footstep
Is that just an echo, or is it you?

I reach a dead-end and I can’t see
Any way to get out of this mess
I feel you breathing right on my neck,
I crouch down and clutch my head.

I close my eyes and I can’t hear you,
I tell myself, time and time again,
None of it is real and you can’t hurt me,
Not when you’re already dead.

I open my eyes, the street is empty.
Headlights pass by and all is well
The dark is lesser now, I can see the stars
I stumble home, before you change your mind

I never wanted this to happen
You aren’t supposed to rule my life
I feel the fear well up in my chest
Please I beg, just let me rest.
I’m not ready to face you again.

The sky is filled
With the light of the moon.
Borrowed glimpses
Of days long since passed.

The night sky, a beacon,
Of a bygone age,
And like us,
A reflection of all that has changed.

I miss you
And the way we used to be.
I know that’s selfish of me,
To have once felt like the centre of your world.
To know that, at that time,
Nothing would have been too much.
You would have travelled beyond the stars
To save me from my demons.

But now,
No, it’s not fair.
You have a right to your own life
And dreams,
And the happiness I hope you are finding.
I see you smile now
In a way you have never smiled before.

I want you to know that I understand.
And that truly,  I am so happy for you.

I will grieve for that time
Because it was the closest
We have ever been in our orbits.
But as time moves on
I must accept this new phase,
And while you shine so brightly,
I’ll reflect on all you’ve always done for me.

I will try to share that kindness back to you.
And as the cycle moves on
And our orbits drift away
I know it’s not forever
We will find ourselves close again.
But for now you need some space
And I’ll try to reinvent myself
In  this new phase
As someone you can be proud of,
Who doesn’t need you,
Quite so much,
So you can have the time you deserve
To be you.

Thank you Sunshine
For always showing me how to shine.
***

It hurts
So much
That I can’t breathe

I can’t say it
Because that would be selfish of me
I’m not allowed to hurt
Because I’m locked away
In this privileged position
So I must be okay.

Yet deep down
It burns so bad
And I am afraid.

I smile as I should
And laugh at the jokes
I tell everyone to be kind to themselves
And try to push down
The hypocrisy of my own behaviour

I encourage healing
And time
And peace in which people can grow
Yet hide in the shadows
Stoking the very flames
That hurt me so.

No opinion
Or decisions
For fear of hurting you
Obedience
And sacrifice
That’s what good girls do.

But cages don’t suit me
And silence never has
I think the cracks are showing
And there is no turning back

The world is changing
My understanding is too.
I deserve to be more
Than this shadow of you.

Lazily
I sip my tea
And hope to drift
Far out to sea
In dreams of calm
And gentle oceans.
Rocking in the waves.

A soft warm breeze
To comfort me
‘Neath clear night skies,
And pale moon light
To keep me safe,
From all my fears.
Cleanse out my spite.

I pray please let me sleep.

The whispers of my anxious thoughts
Creep through the dark
To pester,
To haunt.
They infect my dreams
To force me awake
When nothing more
Than peace is all I pray.

So help me.
I need to rest,
The burden buried deep
In my chest
And none can help me
Be free of it,
If I can’t name the evil within.

So I beg of thee
My darker self,
Let me fall to dreamless sleep.
And then when I
Start to rise
You may continue torture,
With all your might.
But until such time,
As a long rest achieved,
I banish thee.

Please
Just let me sleep.