I’m like a ******* broken record. Aren’t I?
I still miss you…
You’re the only other human who actually got me.
I miss our connection. I miss our friendship.

I have so much I want to share with you Askim.

It’s so cruel to just extinguish us.

It’s so cruel

My Askim

I haven’t written for a while. Been busy flying by the seat of my pants.
Some days I’m killing it. Other days it’s hard to breathe, let alone talk.
I hide it fine, but it takes its toll. I guess.

I think a hug would really fix a lot. But I already failed at that one once.

So this is how it stays? I just live broken?

When I think about you, it feels like a black hole inside my heart.

Will I die broken too?

I’m unclean, a libertine and every time you vent your spleen I seem to lose the power of speech. You’re slipping slowly from my reach… you grow me like an evergreen, you’ve never seen the lonely me at all. I fall… without you I’m nothing…
- Brian Molko

I miss you so much Askim…

I miss your friendship most of all. I miss my Ikizim. Are we really going to go through the rest of our lives without our Ikizim? Really baby?

I know we can’t talk… I know he wouldn’t allow it. It’s pretty ****** tbh… but I respect that. **** me, I’ve caused enough tears for one lifetime. For that, I apologise.
The last thing I’ll ever do is complicate your life again. I’m just sitting here silently. This is my only outlet. So please forgive me for writing. Not that you read it anyway.

I never expected to meet Ikizim. It’s just not possible to unforget. I just can’t unforget you.

Ikizim **

I picked up my phone maybe 20 times tonight. Then forced myself to put it back down. I need to write to you. I’m craving a connection with you. But it’s a dead end. You’ve disappeared… again. I’m so ******* torn. I want to delete everything and burn it all to the ground. But I can’t. This is all I have left. This and my pain. My old friend sorrow too. I don’t remember much. From our time. I remember your smiles. I remember craving your touch and longing to be by your side. I remember ******* like animals and making love like angels. I miss you… **** I try not to. I’m still kinda ****** with you too. Most of all I’m just sad. Because I miss you. The longer this goes on the more I feel like we’ll never speak again in this life. I actually don’t think I’ll ever hear your voice again or touch you. Yeah that hurts. The sadness has become a part of me. My pain has become a part of me. When I think of you I feel sick to the bottom of my stomach. I don’t want you to come back. Please don’t. I’d ******* fall to pieces. I’m barely keeping my **** together as it is. I just want a hug.

I remember you as my equal. Intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. You were the first woman to ever scare me intellectually. I respected you fiercely. Protected you fiercely. ******* loved you fiercely. Still do, despite the endless pain. I miss you. And **** it hurts to see you disappear that little bit more.
I wanted to send you flowers. What a ******* loser I was.

I see you’re gone. Turned your back again. Left me just that little bit more. It frees me. Frees me to write again. You see, I’d stopped. I didn’t want to affect you any more. I didn’t want you to feel compelled to come here and wallow in my pain. So I’d resisted the urge to write. But now you’ve severed that cord.  Were you set free? Do you feel this? I’d be surprised if you feel anything anymore. Ghosting me is your super power.

This place is mine again. For me to write. Alone.