How does it feel
to wake up each morning
happy to be alive

to have a sense of direction,
a purpose in your life.

How does it feel
to be loved by someone
truly, completely

to not be caged by anxiety,
able to live freely.

Please tell me how it feels
to belong,
to fit in

to feel beautiful
comfortable in your own skin.

How does it feel
to feel
anything
except for sad
and alone

I would love to know.

My brain can't form coherent thoughts
my head is a jumbled mess
I can't sleep. I can't think.
I'm not as fine as I said I'd be.
Turns out I'm not so strong
I'm fragile. Incredibly weak.
My mind constantly betrays me
even with my eyes shut.
I'm not okay.
You ****** me up.

I'm constantly telling myself I'm over it
but I'm starting to think that's untrue
because thoughts of you creep in
no matter what I do
I try to drown them out
but every word of every song
brings me back to you
and against my will I catch myself
gladly singing along.
When the thoughts of you persist
I'll pick up a new book
but somehow find your name
in every word, sentence and phrase
Yet I keep reading
keep turning the page.
I try to shut you out and shut my eyes
yet you find your way in every dream
and instead of waking up
I eagerly go back to sleep.

I keep hoping you'll try to reach out
and I know I sound naive
but I can't accept the fact
that you could just abandon me.
How could someone do that,
hurt someone so deeply
leaving them broken-hearted
and walk away like it was easy?
I can't be the only one hurting
you can't just move on with your life
leaving me behind
as if I meant nothing. (Did I?)
I can't be the only one miserable
the only one that can't sleep at night
There's no way you could be happy
There's no way. Right?
How can you walk all over me
and leave me shattered on the floor
there has to be an explanation
there has to be something more
I have to be on your mind
Thoughts of me in your head
because you can't guiltlessly
just leave me for dead. (Can you?)
How can you whisper false promises
then completely break my heart
to promptly act like I don't exist
simply press restart
This can't have been just one big lie
You have to be broken too.
You have to.
Are you?

I don't want to talk
I don't want to think
I don't want to feel this pain
I'd rather stay asleep
But unfortunately for me
I can't ever escape you
not while I'm awake
and not while I dream.
You said you saw me for me
and you'd fight by my side
conquer the darkness within
and the demons in my mind
You said that in the end
it'd be you and me
so I didn't even expect
that you would suddenly leave.
There's a constant loop
that's playing in my head
"You are unworthy of love
You will never be enough"
I try to block it out
but it just won't shut up.
You took off with my heart
and I can't get it back
I don't deserve to be loved.
You taught me that.