I debated about
sending an email
but I don’t want to bother you
so I sit alone
feeling worse every second
still the emails are silent
unsent, unread
and there they shall remain

Only been two people
have ever seen through my smile
the first a teacher
also the kindest man I know
a girl in 9th grade
she talked to me
these two
never called me crazy
or said I was weak
because they had gone
through the same thing
we were united by pain
because nobody deserves
to be this way

Kindergarten
I’m outgoing
with one treacherous friends
yet I am still alone

Elementary years 1, 2 and 3
I fall in love
have a few friends
yet I am still alone

Elementary years 4, 5, and 6
I am foolish
outside of academics
and my social life falls apart
and I am alone

Middle school 7th grade
I am unsure about love
and confess to it
ending in humiliation
and I am alone

I was never designed to be alone
but here, in 8th grade, I am
and will always be alone

Quiet faces
and loud minds
sitting back because
not everything requires a reaction

Why do you stand me?
after every self-deprecating sentence
email, and comment
What do you see in me?

Late to the party
punctual to class
not goody two shoes
but still do not laugh
don’t take risks
because parents are strict
always worried about the box
will I fit inside
they want me normal
but
       I’m
              just
                      STRANGE

I promised
I would always stand with you
forever
but
you grew up
when I wasn’t looking
and suddenly
you didn’t want me around
I talked
but you no longer listen
I was waiting on
your answer:
did I break a promise
or honor the trust of one?

When the lights go out
I’ll be right there
beside you
and if you
cannot bear
to turn on the lights
then I will sit with you
talk with you
in the pitch black

Don’t speak
it’s easier that way
they scream
and maybe they’re right
but I just grin
like the Cheshire cat
and walk away

Barren wastelands
of plastic
cursed with eternal life
towers of humanities junk
showing us
what defines a people

Your smile
your laugh
you’re not the person I knew
that person was a lie
created be ambivalence
and nïavity
a stupid girl
who was never I love with you

We’ll still be friends,
right?
no we won’t
we’ll grow apart
you won’t like my poetry
and I won’t like
your boy obsession
we’ll break
we were never a good pair

Every wall I’ve built
came crashing down
with a
I don’t want to do this anymore
you destroyed my walls
you trusted me,
and I trusted you
but that’s over
so don’t try to crack
the walls again

The code word is fine
don’t let go
hold onto me through this
don’t let me forget
my humanity
my sanity
so the code word is fine
don’t lose our memories
don’t say I’m crazy
you’re breaking the trust
I’m sorry
I’m still just a little girl
with broken memories

Just a small quiet girl
holding onto ragtag dreams
stitched together
with patches
of memories
just a small girl
never mind her
such big dreams
that will never come true
I’m just a small little girl...

She dances
with such ferocity
She puts her soul on display
and doesn’t let people
discredit it
where does such confidence arise

Everyone is so cold
so used to the terrible
that it no longer registers
how did we get so numb
so distant
why is violence a norm
why do the important incidents
never get reported
how did we get so messed up

If you constantly
remind me of the past
then tell me to be happy
that’s hypocrisy
you opinions are not helpful

I can’t scream
I can’t move
I can’t breathe
they air leaves my lungs
but I don’t care
tears well
but do not run
they are still, like me
perhaps only they know
how fragile this moment is

What if we all wrote
with reckless abandon
reveling in mistakes
not watching punctuation
or spelling
writing every word
in our souls
till all was right
what if....
we didn’t wait

Do you throw
your smile around
for just anything,
or only
for something outstanding?

Shroud my vision
blur my mind
tripping every step
heavy heart
but not of stone
just tarnished
not shattered
just bleeding
will I heal before
my heart shrivels

I cried in the middle of class
just because I can’t fit in
I can’t fit the mold
I’m too odd
I’m a square in a triangles place
cutting parts of me out
just to fit the mold
the pain is not the worth
the momentary reward
but what choice do I have

I miss the way
she smiled
I miss the way
she laughed
but the old me is gone
and she’s never coming back

I see the strange
beautiful, and delicate things
they are in every day life
the way branches sift and shutter
waving in harmony
how that man is smiling
when he talks to his students
the laugh lines around his mouth and eyes
turning up with his lips
the way the bags under that girls eyes
look permeant and set
the world is an orchestra
and I have only seen
a few measures

Dear victim
you aren’t useless
no matter what they said
you aren’t ugly
no matter what they screamed
you aren’t stupid
no matter how they taunted
you aren’t small
you voice matters
no matter what abuse
they screamed
whatever happened
you are not slight
they are

When we were children
we danced in imagination for hours
never having a firm grip on reality
but loosely holding some strands
no one stopped us
we ran wild
claiming the woods as our own
marking it with sitting logs
and home made paths
enduring the snow and mud
never will I forget our smultronställe

Weeping silently
between sobs I write an email,
which I will never send
it will grow old in the pile of drafts
that grows everyday
all to the same person,
who will continue
to ask me why
I don’t send him emails
an I will never have the right answer
maybe I’m scared
of judgment
but he will continue to ask

Is thirteen too young
to write with abandon
to publish work
to thirst for new words
to gaze with no purpose
to get lost in your own head
am I to young for poetry

Dear Teacher
I know you want no recognition
for your kindness,
but for all you did
you deserve
the poetry
and the praise
because when no one else cared,
you did.
my debt is immeasurable
thank you.

we are the late night dreamers
we are the cast down faces
we are the thinkers
we are the forgotten tarnished souls,
with too many scars for acceptance
we are the fighters,
who rally the war cries
we lose battles,
with other selves
and forget who we are

we are people
we are human,
sometimes we need
to be reminded of that

13 years on the planet
and I can’t get it right
the personality
the ****** expressions
the life
I can’t get it right
maybe I never will

As I found empty space beside me
I reached for loneliness
I found a hand
but no solace I receive
instead the cold
and ****** hand of the other me
when we embraced I felt a chill
not from wind or water
instead it rippled through my mind
making itself at home
forgetting the boundaries
I had set before
yet still hand and hand we walk me and the other

The truth was in my eyes
the whole time
all you had to do was look

It’s not your job but it’s nice
Just because it’s not your job
Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it

Windy streets
quiet towns
let the snow
come
          c
              r
                 a
                     s
                        h
                            i
                               n
                                   g
                       down

I’m skinner than before
and still
I can’t glance in the mirror
and still
I can’t wear tight clothing
and still
I glance at my stomach
and still
I can’t eat lunch somedays
and still
my thighs bother me
and still......

History remembers love
as something that happen
I happened
you happened
us, never happened

Whenever you don’t text back
I’m afraid
I stare at my phone
until it yields an answer
waiting for a ping

When you aren’t on the bus
I stare at your spot
as if you’ll appear

Even when I know
you’ve moved on
I comb the hallways for you
searching for the infamous smile
that I’ve learned to love

still you are my lovely disadvantaged
my anam cara
my problematic emotion
you were amazing

I must forget
forget the smile
the texts
late at night
forget the brush of your
skin against mine
and the hugs
I didn’t want to end

You are my lovely disadvantage

I sat there thinking
Voices thoughts swirling in out
What does crying cost

fire scorches
but the reward it brings
outweighs the danger
fire is no stranger
it has been privy
to many conversations
as well as dangers
no one knows of the burden it carries
burning itself
to warm others

When you’re sad
they notice
they comfort them
When your world comes crashing down
they’re there
at your side
When your minds violate
they hold you, gently
and don’t say a word
When you make a mistake
they don’t scream
they simply help you fix it
When you’re gone
they miss you

Let me apologize

for the way I loved you

and the way it came crashing down

The darkest hour of the night
held though in her eyes
yet the stars
shown bright as well
in her eyes

Does she know
how I admire her from afar
how I love her
would she leave me if she knew

He said the kindest things
when know one else believed
he never gets angry
just disappointed
which is worse somehow
trust is a well built factor
I hope it stays this way

Do not lie about the toll
I know full well it price
you will not take my life
but instead my soul
do not laugh
because you will never have it all
it lives in broken
and happy memories
in the poems I write
so you will never have my soul
at least for one more night