Step 1: Get out of bed
Step 2: Look in the mirror
Step 3: Practice your smile
Step 4: Eyedrops to hide the red eyes
Step 5: Conceal the dark circles
Step 6: Breathe
The curtains are almost up
Step 7: Lock down the pain
Step 8: Ignore the weight on your chest
Step 9: Silence the screams inside of your mind
Step 10: Choke down the sobs
Step 11: Ignore the stinging in your eyes
Step 12: Swallow past the tightness in your throat
You’ve put on this show a million times
Step 13: Don’t let them see
Times up. Curtains up. Camera rolling

My name is Erin
and i was *****
at the age of 7

it has taken me
14 years of my life
for those 13 words to escape
my hollow mouth

the only questions i come to now
is why
why lock me in that room
why take everything from me
my innocence
my purity
my childhood

in that room
where my family trusted you
where i trusted you
the night terrors i have to this day
still haunt my mind

like a never ending
drive in movie that plays
over
and
over
only the moon in the night sky
isnt made to be found here
there is no light in these terrors

i cant sleep this time of year
because every time i do
its you
in that room
locking the door
shutting the windows
******* me
yelling at me
every single night
i close my eyes

it has taken me 14 years
to accept the fact that i was taken by you
i have been numb ever since
left in the dust
rotting away at the core
thinking i was nothing
thinking i deserved nothing
because you took everything

but not anymore
i will recover from this
i am strong enough
i believe in myself
i believe in my own happiness
and i promsie
that when i have children one day
i will never ever let them rot at the core
i will find happiness
the darkness will not take over this time

When I'm not escaping
In my social media, walks, books, art, music, or poetry
I am thinking
But thoughts are dangerous and scary
So I'll stick to escaping
And when I'm forced to look up
Into the scary world
I will use it as inspiration
And I will try to make it less scary for those who haven't found their best escape yet
And for those like me
Reluctantly looking up

you are my enemy,
or I am your enemy,
you are my friend,
or I am your friend,

where are you and I?
are you, you, or am I?
if friend, you are in me,
if enemy, you are in me,

you heed " I" to be you,
if not, I exit will not you,
we are not two, you or I,
either we are you or I,

whole universe full of I,  
what is called you is I,
self is always in you,
I am full of self as you.

Whenever I walk across the street
The person in the car has to stop
I think about how
In just a slight movement of their foot
The person in that car
Could end my life
And all that I know would be effected
And everyone who knows them will be effected
And it may or may not
Go on and on

We trust eachother so much
And so little

I know that you see things
As the remix
Or maybe the movie version
That instead of all the good parts getting left out
It's the bad ones
You don't remember any of it
And you caused it
And I remember all of it
It's engraved in my head
I can't pick it off
Like I pick off my skin
I can't ignore it
Like I can't sleep
And I can't pretend it's okay
Like it wasn't abuse
Yes
You didn't beat me
But you still bruised me
And whenever I move
I ache

lights out
trees down
school out
our dependencies
we rely so much
it really is the truth

To call someone autistic
Is to call someone stupid

To be unique
Is to be weird

To talk a lot
Is to yap

To not talk at all
Is to be emo
As is to wear anything black

To get good grades
Is to be a teachers pet and nerd

To get bad grades
Is to be "special" and slow

To like to read
Is a crime

To like to write
Is a felony

To hate your teachers
Is to be a trouble maker

To like your teachers
Is too be one's pet

To eat lunch
Is to be big

To not eat lunch
Is to be to be flesh and bone

To have OCD
Is to like to keep things neat

To be bipolar
Is the occasional mood swing

Bad
Means good

And Gay
Means bad

These days
Everything's ****** up
It's 2024
Things should be like this anymore

Trying to figure out
How people
Are underlining
Bolding
And putting italics
On here
My Google search
Has done me no good