Nikki

Nikki Oct 2021

What will I amount to
When I can’t take the heat
And crack under the pressure
Constantly haunted by preying eyes
Locked in on their target
A relentless weight
Seeping in every pore
And you are blind to it
Oblivious even

Perhaps it is imaginary
But it comes from all over
And it planted a seed
Which has grown into a weeping willow
Of soul breaking pressure
It is the barred door of my mental prison
The gravity to my butting wings
It is dragging me down
Whenever I try to fly

So tell me
How I can escape my prison
And defy gravity

#pressure #prison

Nikki Oct 2021

Agony

As I am lying here awake again
Torn between self-hatred and existential conundrums
I again find myself wondering
What the point of it all is
Why I have to suffer
Day in
Day out

What could be worth
All this agony
And I know what is
But I also know
That it will never happen
I see nothing in my future
But a miserable blank space
Devoid of happiness
Drained of all colour

#blankspace

Nikki Jul 2021

What did I do?

What did I do wrong
To deserve this vast emptiness
Where life should be
Where joy and wonder and adventure
Should’ve reigned

While instead every day,
Blurring into one,
Is ruled by disappointment,
And self-pity,
And self hatred

When all I ever wanted
When all I ever asked for
Was one reason
Only one
To make my life worth living
To bring a light in the darkness
To make sense of a senseless world
To bring an end to all my doubts and heartaches
Only one
Love

#love #aching #emptiness

Nikki Mar 2021

Demons

My demons and I
We go way back
When I was utterly alone
They were there
To criticise me
To torture me
To feed my insecurities
And my worst impulses

But they also protected me
Consoled and soothed me
And accepted me at my worst

For most of my life
They were my only companion
And they stuck with me
When things got tough

That is why it is hard
To leave them behind
And make room
For a new chapter in my life
For a chance at something better

#alone #newchapter #mydemons

Nikki Feb 2021

Rage and shame

I rage against the intolerance
The injustice
The bigotry
Still out there
In every corner of the world
In my own backyard
I’m ashamed of the discrimination
Appalled by that legacy of hate and ignorance
When we should all be coming together
And celebrate our differences
Love each other for it
Embrace everyone
Love everyone

#shedthehate #loveinstead

Nikki Jan 2021

My muse

Tell me what you want to hear
And I’ll write you the most beautiful works of art
With every word in my arsenal
I’ll put your desires to paper
Your essence will inspire the ink
To flow without end
And paint the most beautiful sights
Yet they still couldn’t hold a candle to you
My muse

#muse #art #beauty

Nikki Nov 2020

Lonely Days

I dread the happy days to come
When it's cold outside
But you're snuggled up
Together
Next to the tree
Warming to a cosy fire
Surrounded by family and friends

But not this year
Now there will be no pleasant crowd
To distract me from my loneliness
No noisy chatter to drown out the silence
Nothing to feed the illusion

This time I can't fool myself
Into being happy
Like every other year
Instead I'm forced to face
What this time is really about

Spending it with someone you love
And who loves you
How I wish
I would have someone
Like that

#xmas