It’s the same thing everyday
I wake up around 2
Laze around till 3
And proceed to get ready for work
Everyday is stressful
Everyday is painful
I’m alive but not living
I’m breathing but oh so steady
No excitement
No surprises
Just routined depression

I see the way you look at me
I see it in your eyes
At first it wasn’t obvious
You mask your intentions
Behind a disguise
The hatred you feel for me
I honestly don’t know why
What have I done to you
What have I said
What change your kind demanour
What made you want to make my days hell
Is it the way I stay in my corner ?
Or how I stare out the window endlessly?
Or how I’m polite and respectful ?
Or how I take  my job seriously ?
Is it the way people start to slowly greet me as I settle in ?
Is it the way the manager talks to me when nobody will?
It baffles me how I barely know you
But your intentions toward me are so ill
When I struggle or make mistakes You attack me  with your snide remarks and insults
Coming in for the ****
I **** you with kindness , I smile at your mean gestures  , You pick on me because you want a reaction ,
But I’m not weak I will never give you that satisfaction.
Is it because I try to do my job so well ?
I do it with pride
I am my own person
I don’t hide behind a disguise
I am me unapologetically and if you don’t like that then maybe the problem is with you .

I never dared to challenge myself
I always though I would come up short
I always pulled my hand way
Never tried to reach further
I stay snuggled up in the place I know couldn’t hurt me
My comfort zone .

My words stumble and fall in conversations
My personality fail to reach the surface
I awkwardly stay in one place because this is where I feel the safest .

I sit in fear and anxiety
Each passing day as I stare into nothingness in a desperate attempt to imagine  some different reality than the one I’m living now .

I could never tell you
exactly what's going on inside my head,
so I'll write instead.
Drown my thoughts in paper & lead.
Keep my hands alive,
and my expression dead.

I was a young girl
Curious and naive
He was a older boy
Full of mystery
His stare was intense
His approach was straight forward
I never met such a guy
He was interested in me
He told no lies
I was interested in him
But I averted my gaze
I made up excuses
And stayed in denial
After all I was foolish
A young selfish child
I hid behind my disguise
Ignored my feelings because of my high maintenance  pride .
He didn’t give up
He pursued me for a while
But like all crushes slowly fade away
I was no longer the center of his attention
I knew his intentions
But I just pushed him away
I didn’t own up to my feelings
I gave him a hard time
If I told him I loved him
Then I wouldn’t feel this way        So empty.
So alone .
So abandoned.