Seasons come and go,
Each year it's the same.
If only people changed like the seasons.
Winter, Summer, Autumn, Spring;
Each one holds a secret,
It's own special magic.

Winter holds a promise that there is
Life after Death.
Spring ignites a spark; a sliver of
Hope and a pinch of Joy for healing.
Autumn holds the key to
Eternity,
And Summer is the Epicenter of
The Magic.
Summer is the result; the After-life;
It is Rebirth.

Seasons change, and people do too,
But it's a pity - a shame - that people
Don't change the same way.
People are too unpredictable; we change
Our minds too many times, we change
Our Destinies every day.

Seasons don't.

Seasons accept their constant cycle;
Their Natural Pattern.
People will never be like the Seasons.
I guess that's what makes us all
Unique.

In this way
We are Designed -
Crafted, Molded.

Seasons harbour a Secret;
It's own special Magic.
We too, are our own special Magic.

Winter promises Life after Death,
People are promised Happiness after Depression.
Spring ignites a spark of Joy for Healing,
People are promised Joy and Healing after Pain
And Suffering.

Autumn holds the key to Eternity,
People are promised Eternity in the Promised Land.
Summer is the Epicenter; the After-life,
And people are the Epicenters of their own lives.

We are our own Masters of Catastrophe.
People are Reborn in Faith.

Looking at it now, maybe we are much like
The Seasons.

We are predictable in our unpredictability.
This is our prized Possession.
This is our kind of Magic.

People have seasons, people are seasons.
Winter is our Darker side,
Spring is our Healing,
Summer, our Euphorical - blissful side,
Autumn, our Procrastination, our Changing,
Our Learning.

Just like the Seasons, we change;
We mold our Futures and become who we are meant
To be;
We become part of a Cycle.

I cried and cried
"I can't say it"
"Yes you can. Say: "I'm perfect"
I cried some more and tried to force the words to form in my mind.
"Say it!" He said once more, "Say it because you are perfect. Dont listen to yourself. You're lying to yourself."
Eyes squeezed shut, I forced out the words:
I am perfect.

It takes a lot out of a person to see their self worth after so many years of not believing it due to abuse. Mental, verbal, maybe even physical. It takes a lot to try and not lie through your teeth to someone who loves you, to admit, you are, in fact, perfect.

It takes a lot of a person to stand in front of the mirror and look at oneself. To look at the body your soul resides in and think "I am perfect" after years of being told that you're too this and you're too that.

So I implore you, believe that you are perfect. Cry if you must, but look at yourself, really look, and believe it when someone says that you are, in fact, perfect. That person would not love you otherwise. You are you, and they love you for that.

I don't always feel loved.
Someone can tell me how much they love me for a few months, and I'll feel it,
But as soon as that person slows down on saying it, I don't  feel the love anymore.
Maybe it's just me...
I don't know.
And then I lash out.
And then they wonder why I'm so mean and such a *****.
I can't help it.
Perhaps that's me defending my heart from another let down.
I don't know...
And when I lash out, I hurt them badly.
So badly that I fear I've lost them forever.
But they still stay.
And then they love me harder.
But then I feel it fade again..
What is it about me?
Do I repel you so?
Is the fact that I'm such a Feeler so dreadful?
Sometimes I don't feel loved at all.
Because I've been a victim of so much bullying through the years.
How many years?
9 years.
I'm only 18 now, and still, I'm a victim.
No one should be a victim of bullying.
And I'm hoping that when I leave school at the end of this year, all the hatred will detach itself from me. All the bullying will go.


I'm sorry that I lash out.
It's the only way I know how to cope lately.
I've been let down so much.

And then he touched her.
The slightest touch.
In the briefest of moments.
A whisper of skin on skin.
His hand brushing lightly against hers.
But it was enough.
Her cheeks warmed and her hand tingled.
In that moment she wanted to look up at him
But knew that she would reveal a secret love.
So the touch remained secret too.
A whisper of skin on skin in a crowded room,
A sign that she was his only one.
It was enough
To electrify her soul
And make her heart cry out

I no longer hope for anyone's approval but my own.
I no longer let opinions of others define who I am.
I will follow the dreams I have jotted down on my bucket list.
I will follow my heart.
I will live the way I am meant to live.
I will no longer be trapped in this cage of conformity. I am too much a Bohemian Soul for that.
I will fall in love with different places, art, poems, music, people, tastes. And I will no longer apologize for my mistakes.
I am who I am - a straightforward, loyal, compassionate Bohemian that lives for Indie tunes and tarot cards and daisies, sunflowers, clouds and sculptures. A reader and a deep thinker and a lover and a dreamer and a free spirit.

Her body was a canvas
Her thoughts and words, the paintbrush
The thoughts and opinions of others, the paint

For too long, she had painted dark colours onto her skin
Reflecting what others wished her to show

Now, she is painting brighter colours onto her skin
For she is learning to love the body she is in

Her body is a canvas
Her thoughts and words, the paintbrush
The thoughts and opinions of others, the experience
Her actions, the paint

Let's start off with this: I miss you.
Let's add: every day.
Let's keep in mind: we broke up 2 years ago and I have a new boyfriend.
Let's do this: get each other's numbers and make plans.

Rewind.

I have not been able to get you out of my head.
I have splinters in my heart.
I can still hear your voice, can still hear you saying my name.
I still get goosebumps at the thought of you.
What have I done?
How could I let you go?

Pause.
We were good.
I was filled with giddiness.
You filled my heart with wonderlust that was uncontrollable.
You made my soul yearn for freedom.
I had never experienced that before.
I don't now.

Play.
My mom said that what we had was simply
"puppy love"
Oh, if only she could understand...
If only she could see my heart.
If only you could.

Pause.
I want to show you my heart.
I have changed.
I am different; no longer afraid.
Let me open up my heart and show you the cracks I have left in it.

Fast forward.
My new boyfriend made me happy.
But he does not fill that void.
I am currently unhappily in a relationship with him.
But I won't break his heart.
I won't break another one.
I know I broke yours.

What is my punishment?
I have done this to myself -
I am breaking my own heart because I broke yours.
I am breaking my own heart so that I can avoid
Breaking his.

But wait.
I still need you back.
I still need you back.
Please don't shut me out.

Please...
Take me back...

I was lost in the
Desert
You came and offered me
Water
You're the Serpent in the sand
You've watched me for days
Wondering the dunes
Till I could go no
Further
You're the Serpent in the sand
I saw a mirage
Of the boy I once loved
And as I brought the cool water to my lips
You said to me
"let it be"
You're the Serpent in the sand
I drank your water and you invited me in
And blindly
I followed
You're the Serpent in the sand
When you were done with me
Once you stripped me of my dignity
Once you left my heart bare
You discarded of me
I was lost in the dunes once again
And you're the Serpent in the sand
And I dreamt of you for weeks once I had reached
Civilization
I was scorched and wounded
Blindly
I let you in
Never again will I encounter another
Serpent in the sand
Never again will I follow a Serpent such as
You

Is it okay to run and hide?
Or is that a form of cowardice?
Is it okay to want to escape my own body?
Or is that self-denial?
Is it okay to hate blood?
Or is that unforgiving?
Is it okay to hate crying?
Or is that absurd?
Is it okay to want to pick up that shiny piece of metal?
Or is that cruelty?
Is it okay to want to see yourself bleed?
Or is that preposterous?
Is it okay to want to leave my body behind?
Is it okay to want to leave everything behind?
Is it okay to hate the life you've been given?
Is it okay to hate the fact that your life is no longer bearable?
Or should I just continue to live?
Despite the fact that my heart is breaking
Despite the fact that I'm not the only one doing it
Despite the fact that my own blood -
My own mother is breaking it as well
And despite the fact that I've never been truly happy...
Is it okay to just want to leave?
Or is that suicide?
Is that a crime that God will judge me for?
Or will God be standing at the gates of Heaven with open arms, saying,
"My Child, you are safe now."
Is it okay to be an ambivert?
Or is that stupidity?
Is it okay to hate your body?
Or is that a lack of self-esteem?
Is it okay to want to hide yourself from the rest of the world?
Or is that selfishness?
Is it okay to want to cry and cry until there are no tears left
While not wanting to shed a single tear more?
Or is that too paradoxical?
Is it okay to want to smash your own skull against a brick wall?
Or is that too aggressive?
Is it okay to want to commit these crimes?
Or will God judge me for that?
Or will He be standing at the gates of Heaven with open arms, saying,
"My child, you are safe now."

And suddenly
My world came crashing down
And I am sitting on the floor
With eyes on fire
And soul beaten
And heart torn open
And I envy you
For having the ability to cut yourself
Off
And I pity you for it too
And I wonder if at night
You feel broken too
And if you dare let a single tear
Fall
In remembrance of our good pure love
The way a faucet opened in me

I have my mind
Set
On a Pices
And I'm willing to drown in worlds
And fly around
Neptune
If it means to show him
I'm there

(please see my intentions are good. Please reveal yours)

(not a poem)
I don't think some people fully comprehend how bad Anxiety can be. Just saying or doing the simplest, stupidest thing could trigger it. And it only takes a second. You can tell me about how great my outfit looks and SNAP, it's there. He can start an argument with me and then apologies right away, but SNAP. It'll be there right away. And it truly *****... You feel like crying, you start shaking, it feels like your lungs are collapsing, you feel faint and nauseous and your heart feels hollow, you can't see anymore - everything is pitch-black even in broad daylight - and you clam up.

Can I just have my own thoughts for a change?
      Hahaha! But I am a part of you!
      You don't have your own thoughts.
      Don't you get that yet?
I am my own person.
      No. You are not.
Yes. I am.
       Never. You belong to me. I belong
       to you. We are one.
I am not my thoughts.
        Maybe, but I can sure as hell
        control you.

Love is like a cigarette
I t        b u r  n     s
o
u
t


Unless you keep it lit

And when you're gone
I'll remember pale moonlight
And early sunrise
And the way the morning air whispers your name
Just before dawn breaks through
The midnight blue

How could I let myself fall for you.
For your sweet smile.
For your cold blue eyes
For your laugh.
That laugh that sounded like heaven.

How could I let myself fall for that sweet talk.
For the taste of your lips.
For the way you smelled like lavender and cigarettes.
For the way you gripped me when we hugged.
For the way your warm lips felt against my cold skin.

How could I let myself fall for you.
For your stupid jokes.
For your strangeness.

How could I be so blind.
I didn't see the real you.
I was blinded by your mask of purity.

You were a villain disguised as a hero.

You stole my heart and left me to bleed.
You watched as I cru m bl e d.
You didn't care...

Not about me at least.

How could I be so foolish to think you were the one.
My one.

How could I...

How could you.

How could you play me for the fool I am.
The fool I was.

How could we think we would last.
How could I.
How...

-RNL

And suddenly I wished to know what it would be like to breathe you in
And to know what you taste like
And to rest my head upon your shoulder
And to hear your heart beat in my ear
Or to hold your hand as we drive through the night on an endless road trip -
The kind we both long for
With your awful singing that I know I'll love so much and your strange taste in music
And we are so far apart with nothing in common but our desire to explore
And I remember how I felt this all before and I realise how I want this all much more

Soon I'll not have a name to you.
Soon I'll only be a girl you once knew.
One day, I won't have a face either.
And one day when you pass me in the mall
You won't recognize me.
But I'll remember you.
I'll remember how you chose to forget about me.
And a look of confusion will cross your face
When I smile at you.
And you'll go home
And after a while
You'll remember my face.
And you'll remember my name.
And you'll remember how you chose to forget me
And you'll ask yourself why you did.
But I will have moved on
I will have forgiven you by then,
And that will make you think
And think
And think.

He made me smile
And he kissed my hand like a gentleman
And he sang in the car
And made me laugh
And said he loves me
And I had never felt more at home
Than when I was in his arms
Or sitting on the balcony with him
Or sipping wine
And watching a strange old movie
And I love him too.

All these spectacles and still you made a spectacle of yourself.
All these binoculars and still, she wasn't the only one you saw.
All these calendars and you still didn't have time to come out and visit.
All these clocks and you still couldn't give her the time of day.
All these hair straighteners and still you couldn't straighten yourself out.
All these hearts and you still couldn't give her yours.
All these obstacles and still you couldn't get over them.
All these calculators and you still can't figure your problems out.
All these directions and you still can't find your way back home.
All these weights and still you couldn't pick your life up.
All these cleaning supplies and you still couldn't clean up your act.
All this soap and your attitude still stank.
All these gates and still you won't make it to heaven.
All these condoms and you still ****** up.
All these vows and you still went against your word.
All these games and yet you still played her the most.
All these pencils and yet you still wrote us off.
All these exchange rates and yet you still couldn't come through in September 2006 or August 2014.
All this money and you still won't contribute to my future.
All these birthday cards and still you couldn't wish me.
All these funeral and get well soon cards and still you couldn't say goodbye to Nonna.
All these apples but still, we weren't the apple of your eye.
All these sunglasses and still you were too blind to see what you lost.

Thunder crashes
Lightning strikes
We are engulfed in flames
White-hot
Golden streaks
Our hearts
Ablaze
Our eyes become
Embers
Our souls become
Fire
You and I will burn
Out
But not soon
(I pray not soon, or not ever for that matter)

We had a lot of good memories didn't we?
And perhaps I did take you for granted
And perhaps you took me for granted too.
But just one more kiss from you would have been
A saving grace
And my complete undoing.

You refused to;
You weren't willing to;
You weren't interested in
Fixing yourself
And if you think I'm going to
Cry
Over a boy like you
Well then you've got me
All wrong

This is a promise to you, Robynne Nataly La Rosa.
A promise that you will not let yourself down again.
A promise of Hope
And of Life
And Love.
A promise of Growth.
It is a Four-leaf Clover wrapped around your finger;
A daily reminder, now and forever more,
That you are worth more than you give yourself credit for.

This is my promise to myself;
To my Heart, to my Mind, to my Soul.
A promise of Hope
And of Life
And Love.
A promise of Growth.
It is a daily reminder,
This Four-leaf Clover.

Tonight
Let's pour our hearts out to
Each other
Over a bottle of
Red wine
And candlelight
And the sounds of nature around us

She possesses a soft
Heart and a wild
Mind
She is fragility and
Danger wrapped into one
She has fire dancing
In her eyes and water
Crashing in her bones
She is her warrior
And she has fought many
Battles
She desires to be loved
But she has never been more
Full of fear than when she
Looked into his eyes

Protect her and love her
Fiercely for she can show you
Galaxies and untame your
Spirit

Colors swirl beneath eyelids
Humidity in the atmosphere
Raindrops in vivid dreams

Another restless night
For a restless soul
Filled with hopes

Wide eyes
And blurry scenery
Birds sing and crickets chirp

Why are you not there

As his lips meet mine
In a soft and gentle touch,
As his arms wind around me
In a safe and gentle embrace,
As his eyes meet mine
In a yearning and gentle hold;
I am no longer afraid to
Let my heart fling itself
Against my ribcage
Wildly wishing to feel again.

And all she wants is
To be held
To have someone whisper
Into her hair
"I've got you"
And to feel properly
Loved
For who she was and who
She is and who she wants
To be
And to be allowed to remain a
Free spirit
And someone to get lost with
Someone to encourage her to be her better self
Someone to keep her head
In the clouds
And her feet pressed firmly to the ground
She does not want to feel overwhelmed
Or oppressed
But alive
And beautiful

Sun glinting off the waves
A knife carving on a cheek
Silver moonlight reflected across the still ocean
A silver scar creeping across her jawline
The sun creates a silver lake
The knife creates a silver stream
Her blood is gold
The wound silver
Her head held high
The sight blinding
People stare in awe and wonder
At the sliver lake created in her eyes
At the silver lake reflected off the ocean tide
The smooth skin made smoother from the blade

Let's get real for a second:
It is so difficult to feel comfortable in your own skin most times.
How often have you been brought down by someone else and then told to "just get over it"?
How often do we compare ourselves to others?
How often do we look avoid looking at our bodies in the mirror?
And how often do we hope that others help us build ourselves up only to be broken down again?
They say healing is a process, but it is those that say this that have not known insecurity.
So my question is: how do you breathe; how do you focus and how many times do you stop yourself from comparing your body to another's?
Telling someone "your body is perfect" does not do justice in that person's mind when they see the other "perfect" bodies around them; on social media, in the gym - wherever.
Take a second to come to terms with this fact: it is a mental state that cannot simply be put aside... it is rooted deep within oneself and sometimes, that insecurity - it doesn't go away. No matter how hard one tries.

...I couldn't stop thinking about what would have happened if I had allowed you that second chance. Would I have stayed? Would I have been happy, merely because I would have had you again? Would I have still left? Would we have stayed in a relationship? I suppose we would have because VHS is only two or three blocks away from BHS. But I suppose we probably wouldn't have because it was all just too much of a sad situation.
And c... I wonder this quite often... If I had asked you to allow me to explain myself to you... Would you let me? Would you want to hear the truth? Or would you be content with a lie?... I wanted to reach for your hand that day, so badly that it stung. I wanted to hold your hand; see if I could still feel the warmth from your hand radiate through mine into my bones. I remember how it felt to slip my hand into yours, and I desperately wanted to see if I would still feel that now. I so desperately wanted to know how you feel about me... And whether or not you wanted to hold my hand too.

O' how dark is the world t'day
So morbidly gray
But o' here comes the sun
Shining down through the clouds
And you are there to soak it up
And wish he were there

He makes me feel pretty
And wanted
And loved
And cared for.
He is all I've never needed
All I'll ever need
All I've ever wanted
And all I'll ever want.
And I love him
I love him I love him I love him.

(When you read this: Hi :). You are truly appreciated <3 )

And in that moment she felt like crying
But no tears came
And she so desperately wanted to cry
"over a boy?"
They asked
And all she could do was nod
As she felt the
Splinter
Work it's way

You are beautiful
With your beautiful soul
And your broken dreams

You are beautiful
With your dreamer mind
And your broken heart

You are beautiful
In the way you look at the sky
In reckless hope and wonder

You are beautiful
In the way you wipe your tears from your eyes
In embarrassed laughter

You are beautiful
In all ways
In all things
You are beautiful, love

I'll always love you
In some part of my heart
You'll always have a place
I'll keep it secret
Keep it hidden
But I'll always love you
You'll always have a place

(still not a poem)
Sometimes it gets to a point where I can't hear anything. Not even the static on the radio. Every little thing can push me over the edge. Make that bomb start ticking a little faster. Make me think that I'm going to have another attack. And it hurts... And it doesn't help if you have this constant voice in your head - this constant Thing trying to basically take over your mind.
It's no joke.
Depression is no joke.
Bipolar is no joke.
Having a split-personality is no fun.
Mix all of those elements together for days and nights on end.
No longer something to make fun of is it?
I wish people were more aware of what having Anxiety and other "disorders" implied.

Okay. I may look like everything is all happy-days-all-the-time, but I have had more mental breakdowns than I care to admit, more nightmares than I wish to face, more panic attacks than I let on, more overthinking than I smile. Most days I cannot even think about eating anything. Most days I try to sleep everything away.
Do you know how hard it is trying to keep it all together, looking perfectly fine on the outside, while internally I am breaking down, I am screaming. Sometimes I wish I did scream, just once so that I can let it all out. But would that be enough even then?
I have had more battles than victories. More fights than laughs. You would think speaking about it all would help, but sadly, it has not.
But, I have prayed more than I've cried. I write more than I speak. I breathe more than I blink.
And overall, this I know for a fact: I have lost - maybe more times than I have won - but I have won, I have failed, I have achieved, I have cried, and I have laughed, I prayed, I loved. And most importantly, though I thought I had - i did not fold.

I wish I could ask you to teach me how to get over you.

1 2 3 4
Hold your breath.
5 6 7 8
Exhale through slightly parted lips.
1 2 3 4
Hold your breath once more.
Is this worth dying for?
5 6 7 8
Don't tell me it's too late.
Exhale through slightly parted chapped lips.
1 2 3 4
There has to be more.
So much more.
5 6 7 8
It's never too late.
I can still learn to appreciate
The life I've been given.
1 2 3 4
I will continue fighting for
My life
My say.
5 6 7 8
My life will not end on this cold hard floor.
Hold your breath.
Inhale. Exhale.
You are worth more.

It is worth the risk
It is worth the fall
It is worth everything
To give my heart
To give my soul
To fall deeply
Hopelessly
Madly
In love

I am willing
And I am open
And I am ready
To take the fall
To take the risk
To give my heart once again

show me
Affection
when you are
Sober
not only when
Intoxicated
but get
Drunk
off of knowing me
when you know
Yourself
how else will I know you then

There is something eerily comforting
About being
Stuck in my own mind.

There is something dauntingly
Familiar
About why I am
Stuck in my own mind.

There is something beautifully ironic
About myself that I
Fail to express;
I am a content girl spreading
Giddiness among others,
But,
I have a dark mind.

Thoughts purged by the
Darkness.
And, a heart that is
Light.

No.
My mind is not always full of
Darkness.
Stars linger in the dark of
Night,
And stars linger in the
Crevices of my mind.

There is no finality in
Darkness.
The stars; my heart -
They have proven this.

A Storm was brewing outside
And in me
Thunder crashed
And my heart screamed
Lightning struck
And my eyes were blinded
Rain pounds down
And I was beaten
The sky cried out
"God save me please"
And my bones grew weak and I bled out
"my love, save me please..."
While he stood and wept
"you'll be fine my dear"
And lightning struck his frame
And his wings lit up
He was too entangled in me
And we both choked on raindrops
And I replied
"I'll be fine if you will be for you are too much a part of me"

Life happens;
Let's start with that.
Let's add this to it:
Guys come and add challenges.
What can you do?
They text you, and you text back
They promise they're good and you believe it
They kiss you and you start to feel
Again
They hold your hand and you start to feel more...
Again.
They tell you they like you and it takes a few days, but you eventually admit that you like them back.
And that's fine, right?
But then comes this girl who's prettier and most likely smarter
And he looks happy.
I mean, he's got his arm around her right?
And you sit there, like a fool,
Hoping                                          Praying
He still likes you.
But she's prettier.
What do you do?
Anxiety kicks in and suddenly you feel like crying, don't you?
I do...
But she's prettier
And he's most likely not drunk anyway.
But you like him
And he's said he likes you.
Does he?
You blame yourself. You feel stupid. You feel small.
Why would he like you?
Maybe you shouldn't have gotten attached
Maybe you shouldn't  have said it back; "I like you"
There are so many doubts and suddenly you can't think straight.
What is it? Who will it be?
Do you actually like me?
Does he?

People should fall in love with their eyes closed.
But slowly;
Carefully.

Do not give too much of yourself away so quickly.
But slowly;
Carefully.

Let the wall crumble
Beneath their glow.
Let the ashes of the past settle
In their meadow.

Let wildflowers bloom.
Slowly
And carefully.

Do not allow your soul to become ensnared too easily;
Do not let poison ivy grow.
Do not allow your waters to become polluted.

Fall in love with your eyes closed
But slowly;
Carefully.

Lose yourself in shades of hazel
See the blue of your eyes reflected in his shade of brown
But see beyond that.

Allow him to see the brown of his eyes reflected in your shade of blue
But let him see beyond that.

But slowly;
Carefully.

(Version 1)
'twas said from Heav'n he fell
into blazing fire and tortures of hell
thine flames did lick his skin
and ash what stained his locks
'twas Love, that arson was
-----
(Version 2)
'twas from Heav'n he fell
into blazing fire and tortures of hell
amber flame did kiss his skin
and ash did besmirch his wings
all for love of mortal ***** thine Angel fell
from Heav'n to earth for a blazing hell

And I am not sure I want another man to touch me
To touch my body or my soul
And I may not have been harmed physically
But I have been hurt brutally emotionally
And my soul cannot be stitched together
It cannot be mended after this
And I had given so much of myself to you
Opened every faucet in my heart for you
And you had broken me
And said I had no one to blame but myself
And I am not sure I want to open the faucets for another
Again
You have broken me
You have torn me apart
You have harmed me in such a way
You have brutally beaten my heart
And my soul
And I want no part of it any longer