My heart is heavy, but my eyes seem to be dry1,
My brain is dead, but face seems to be alive,
This is all I think, when it comes to a business smile


With a wandering hand, I go up the stage, needless to say, all for wage
All the eyes point at me with such a blaze, it could shoot a hundred miles
Not to mention, I was nervous, but had to keep up, my business smile


All the hands, making such an applause which seems to haunt me right now,
I grew anxious, as the floral thorns2, point towards me
I feel awful for this heart of mine, but I had to show that business smile


“No. 15, when you’re ready.”, the words rang through my ears,
I placed my hand on the giant toy3, starting to embrace
One key, followed by the other, amusing the audience, as it occurs


My heart then filled with rage, my eyes filled with sparkle
Continue to play as long as it last, as far as it goes,
But who knows it more than I do, such fantasies occur, everywhere I come to my hairdo







1pretending to be okay;
2flowers[bouquet];
3grand piano

Seems like these days just go by,
Without any comfort, but a blue eye1.
From the outside it seems to be quiet,
But on the inside I’m battling a tide2.


All these days feels so lonely,
I can feel my space, has started getting gloomy3.
Everything I try, my mind would deny,
And it seems like my days, just go by.


No more hands hold mine,
Neither to walk the streets, nor to take a ride.
I waste my time till 10 at the night ,
But I know the time is still ticking by.


My mind is void, in the dark I cry4,
They ask my state5 and then I lie.
Don’t fall apart, I always try,
But my days, they just go by.


I can feel things getting scary ,
My “favourite” black colour has started to haunt me.
I hope it all stops to hive6,
And these crucial days finally pass by






1blue eye resembles tiredness
2tide resembles anxiety
3my thoughts have started becoming dangerous
4I get depressed when I’m alone
5I lie about being alright
6I hope it all stops to grow

It feels like, I’m waiting on something,
But I don’t know what that “something” is
All the comfort that was I used to in the past,
Now, it seems to cease


Suddenly, it feels as if I’ve lost everything,
The next moment it feels as if I’m yet to earn it1
One thought makes me wanna let go of everything,
The other makes me wanna catch everything that is gone


One thought makes me wanna lose myself,
The other makes me wanna love myself
One thought makes me feel deserted2,
The other makes me wanna feel the bliss


One thought makes me wanna feel sad3,
The other makes me wanna rush to the happiness I want4
One thought makes me wanna die,
The other makes me wanna live my bestest life


One thought makes me feel alone,
The other thought makes me feel so lively
One thought makes me wanna bark it out,
The other makes me wanna duck in it


How could I go with what I feel?
This time, I look around, there’s nothing to heal,
All this time I feel like running away,
But, I swear, I no more want to conceal


                My brain is filled with something,
When I ask, it seems to be nothing
Apparently, there’s nothing in there,
But what I see with my closed eyes5 haunts me more than the reality


Seeing myself, crawling on blood
One thought makes me brave enough to endure
The other makes me coward enough to leave


“what’s all that?!” I always think,
I know these thoughts of mine will never sink
Seeing myself like that, the whole time makes me wanna wake up,
But the reality seems to be no different


It’s just the thorns which convert to words
The torture converts to action
The evil becomes mortal6
And the lucid7 becomes reality










1 feeling of losing something I never had; 2 feeling of having nothing left; 3 choose what the others want/make the wrong choice and be sad for the rest of my life; 4 choose what I want and be happy; 5 dreaming; 6 humans are the evil in reality and are mortal; 7 not real/imaginary

Hasn’t it been long, since we last met?
Just a year, easy to say
But it kills me now,
I’ll admit

Short time but seems to be forever
You took the whole of me, now how do I recover?
How do I look at it as an empty past?
When it is filled with the bitter happiness that you’ve cast!

You were the one who made me fly
And left like that as soon as we're high
The deeper you made me fall, the closer it caught me,
Was that all, just to run off on me?

Tell me how do I get myself out of this mess?
Didn’t you promise to make it work?
That time we build the castle of sand
Didn’t you promise to hold me till the very end?

Maybe we’re selfish to say,
That happy times fly faster,
‘Cause had it been slower,
I would have known you better

My heart has been beating for you all this time,
Even the air I breathed was so full of you
I couldn't deny I was so into you,
And all you did was to leave me without a clue?!

Well then, I’m fine now
Happy with what I have,
I was the fool to fall like that
‘Cause in the end it is just ourselves that we all have

I've always seen you in a frame,
But I heard you cry on the day it rained1
I wish I could hear you again,
But you left me the day I came


I heard the shovels dig,
I heard daddy’s tears,
I heard people’s prayers,
But I stayed quiet


I heard the people cursing me,
Their words overshadowing2 me,
But I stayed quiet,
I always stayed quiet


And at those times I couldn’t be,
I’d chug water, so that I cry to no one but me
Wear a mask so that no one sees,
‘Cause if they do, they’ll pick3 on me


I’d hide to walk to your grave,
I wished I’d talk a millions with youI was tired of staying quiet I thought you were too,
But when I started talking, you stayed quiet


Years have passed without you here,
I wish my birthday was celebrated like the rest of my peer4
Its been lonely, ever since then
All of my life, I’ve been living in a den5


I’ve seen you enough in photos, I wanna see you in person
Regardless of it being on earth or in heaven
Daddy never asked me for my gift, but this time he did
I have nothing but thoughts going ‘round in circles6


I was doomed7, I came with a great loss
My thoughts are jumbled, I can’t think of anything else
Every Christmas of mine has been blue8,
So, I can’t wait to tell daddy that all I want for Christmas is you.





  
1the day I was born
2thier words were too big for me to take as a child
3picking on someone means teasing or making them uncomfortable
4peer – friend circle
5den resembles limited exposure to others as I could not open up and reach out to others
6having many thoughts in my mind but I come back to that “one” thought
7being unlucky
8lonely/depressed

I saw a dream,
The horror struck me so bad,
I started recalling my mom and dad

I was scared of people, of things and lives,
What if my heart stops racing or my eyes light!?
I could feel my life, balancing on a dice

I felt lonely like there was no one by my side,
In the world I saw everyone cherish,
I could feel myself dying in that world ‘full of life’

I was scared of losing the memories I cherished, the people I loved,
I was scared of the loneliness which once comforted me,
That darkness will ever haunt me

I could feel those shadows chasing me,
I didn’t ever want’em to grab me,
“Go away! Don’t rush me!”

I wish I knew back then it was lucid,
It was the hardest my heart ever pounded,
Once I tripped, I laid stranded.

Uneasy by the situation, I grabbed on something,
Unbelievably, that thing could speak!?
“What you’re dreaming?” that thing asked,
I stammered, “Has the world ended?”

I look back at the time I first saw you
That grumpy, anxious face told me a lot about you
I always thought of avoiding you
But I regret it to endlessly wanting you

The world has always been spinning and will go on,
But I swear my world stopped the moment you turned me down
I regret every hurtful word I said to you
‘Cause the truth is that, I can’t afford to lose you

Back in those days when we endlessly quarreled,
I swear I loved that every moment
Thinking of the happy days fills my eyes with tears
Every time your voice blessed my ears

That time we silently held hands
It was the most beautiful silence to ever stand
Your presence gave me an indescribable pleasure
Those eyes of yours had the deepest color

Alas, time has never been the same,
I can’t help, but, look at us in the frame
As I sit alone with that lost hand,
The winds coldly whisper your name

I couldn’t even think of any of this to happen,
Most of it was lost as it was gained
And if we have to pay for the happy times,
I’ve cried too much to be happy for the rest of my life

‘twas a comfort to gaze at your two eyes
Where the widest universe lies
How could I ever lose my universe?
   Hate myself for losing you

The visions I have do me no good,
They keep on turning me back to the same old wood
Where our names are still alive, never changed!
Then why is it us who have to change?

I beg you, if there’s anything I can do
I’m ready to give it all to get back to you.
I’m afraid I can’t pour it all on the desk
But, I swear all this time I’ve been missing you to death

I tried really hard to not to lose you,
Since then, I’ve been trying to make it up to you
And don’t you dare ask me If I’m tired
Because the truth is, I never stopped loving you