i’m unable to unpack
the damage those words did to me
at an age
where i was so vulnerable,
so open, so naïve.

i still cry,
i still cut,
i still look at myself in the mirror
and tear my skin off

i still torture myself to their photos.
a printed copy of her face glued to my mirror.
and my heart burns every time she appears on my feed.

i disagree with what you said.
through shameless stares on the street, praise, and adoration.
my confidence grew
where i can finally love myself
and admire me
more than you could that time.

but i think about her every day
the way i lied on your balcony
and cried
the way i chopped my hair
did my nails
and changed my face

all because of one text
“she’s cute, but not like her”

i’m no less of a ***** than she is,
except she gets paid.
i settle for male validation,
filling the void our father left
one way or another.

once again i’ve been betrayed.
i’ve gotten used to quickly give away
but when it’s her, it hurts.

we are opposites, i thought.
but looked, i saw a mirror.
we are so alike.
down to the black MK bag, though mine classier.

i try to think i’m superior; more refined
then how come she gets what i want?

she invited me to a party,
dress code was black & gold.
i looked down at my black bag, i can wear that at the party.
but the details are silver.

then, i looked at hers:
gold.

that is the difference between us,
i give away and act as the better person.
but she comes out on top.

i wear silver but she wears gold.

got a little lost in your eyes,
felt a little nervous around them.
caught you glancing more than a dozen times.
can’t say i didn’t stare back.

maybe i read it all wrong,
maybe i’m delusional and all, and
maybe it’s all in my head!

but then— why were you looking at me like that?

like, i made you hold your breath
you wanted my attention
looked my way for approval

it can’t possibly be all in my head.
i’m so sure of this!
because if it wasn’t for sure, there’s no way you would be looking at me like that.

all you need is some distance, so you can realize why you’re looking at me like that~

then the time came,
the setting was set,
i was ready for you.
but the one factor, the one variable that i didn’t account for,
the girl

that i almost forgot,
that caught me by surprise—
also caught you.

then i understood.
it’s just what you do.

11:08 PM

i was about to text you
and ask
if you still loved me

but that exact second
you instead video called me,
smiling
and promised to call me tomorrow.

i love you
so much.


10:14 AM

said you’d call at 9
never did

i did you wrong
i read it wrong
i shouldn’t have taken your call as an answer

maybe i’ll ask you again,
do you still love me?

or say that our chapter is over and that we should turn the page.

i don’t want there to be enough room to happy apart.
i don’t want to say that i won’t try to make you regret this.
i don’t want to be the bigger person.
i don’t want you to, either.

i don’t want to say i’ll never forget you;
that we’ll cherish the good times.  

i don’t want you as a memory,
or in an old photo album,
or in my dreams,

i don’t want to wish you well,

i need you here.

i was an outsider
out of necessity
or of fear of rejection
i’d rather be better than them,
surrounding myself with how i saw myself.

maybe now i’m not the worst
but i’m still alone.