It’s nights like this
Where I am reminded of every laugh-
Shared smiles crossing between
And kisses warm and sweet and
Missed

Nights where I remember that
Our love was like a piano
And I had memorized every note
All the harmonies and triplets
The scales and runs
The beautiful music that played
When your thumb made circles on my wrist

But now the notes have faded
To only a haunting lullaby
That echoes in my head
At the most inconvenient of times

It’s nights like this
Where I remember my greatest love
Rested at my fingertips
Only a hands width away

Now my hands are empty
And my fingers are bleeding
And calloused
From grasping at shattered dreams
And shards of my heart

It’s nights like this
Where I do not know why
I’m still alive.

Is it for the sunsets?
The ones that make my heart swell
Or for the jokes I always laugh at
Even though Hannah rolls her eyes

I truly do not see the point
In waking every single day
But I put one foot in front of the other
And keep on marching to a beat
Long ago lost

I became
An ***** donor
Giving you all
I keep inside

But the hollowness
Was filled
With hope
And love

I’d gladly give
You all I have
If it meant
You’d stay forever

I relish the feeling
Of an empty stomach
Muscles clenching
Head aching
The hollowness distracting
From my barren chest
The tearing pain
Drowning out
The missing sound
Of heartbeats

I relish the feeling of an empty stomach
Because it means that I can still feel

Pebbles scattered across the beach
Each a memory of you and me
But you hate the sand
And consequently me
So all I'll every be
Is memories scattered across the beach

You're a wolf in sheep's clothing
You're a snake in the grass
You're a piece of bubblegum stuck to the bottom of my shoe that I can't seem to get rid of.
Wait, that's not an idiom.
But I can't find the words to describe you
No word in the English language, no sequence of words, of phrases, of syllables could accurately describe you
But I'll try.
Scumbag.
Flea ridden dog.
Two end pieces of a moldy loaf of bread.
A clock that I keep looking at that never seems to change.
An outfit that is two different shades of black.
A baby that reaches for someone else when I try to hold him.
You're anger, deceit, lies.
What was it that you told me when we said goodbye?
We've cried enough.
Because my heart is a well that will never be filled, and yours is not even a bucket.
Your pail promised me a future, a ring.
A lifetime of firsts.
And I believed you.
I wonder if being as shallow as a puddle made it easier.
Maybe I can't blame you, because with a heart as flimsy as a piece of paper, it must be so easy to tear.
All I can wonder is if you sent us the same goodnight message.

There is another sky
With another life
Where our names aren’t etched
Onto my bones
Poisoning my roots

Where stars don’t hold
My wishes long gone
There to taunt me
And hold me captive
In lost memories

Where my tears dry
Before they coat my pillows
Drowning me in the sorrow
That only they know of

There is another sky
With another life
Where I never loved you

I only started
Praying again
When I thought that god
Might give me a hand
So for the second time
In my life
I lay awake at night
Reciting the Lord’s Prayer
Every single night
Praying that the memories
Finally leave
Or that you’d come crawling
Begging for my forgiveness

They carry the secrets
I whisper at night

The moans of love
Oh, just ***, that’s right

The things I keep
In my mind out of sight

The walls are alive
You can hear them at night

The weight of the dark presses in
Like fingers around my throat
Stealing the warmth from my body
Leaving only a barren wasteland

Choking nights that make me long
For all that I erased
For the pictures and the memories
That I cast away as you did me

You used to say
The only way
You could ever sleep
Was in my arms
Where the nightmares
Never came

So when did it change
That I was the one
Wandering at night
Running from the monsters
And you were the one
Finding solace in sleep?

I wonder if you found
Other arms to lie in

I dwell in possibility-
A place where-
Validation comes easily-
Because I no longer flourish in it-
Where my blankets don’t disgust me-
Because they’re not laced with whispers of your love-
Where my heart doesn’t rely-
On the half-hearted affection of lonely boys-

I dwell in possibility-
Possibility of happiness.

I would rather be
Alone
Than be
“loved”
By someone who knows only
Greed

How can I
drown out
your voice
without also
drowning myself?

Maybe it wouldn't
be so bad
to feel my lungs
fill with water
too.

I couldn’t sleep again last night
Demons plagued my dreams
Wearing faces of love and affection
One that you often see

Demons plagued my dreams
Whispers of I love you
I’ll never leave you
Faces of black hair, blue eyes, and greed

Whispers of I love you
I woke with a fright
Instinctively turning to tell you
All about my night

I woke with a fright
But you were not there
You haven’t been for over a year
But if not here, then where?

If there is no rest for the wicked
Then why am I still awake.
Why do you sleep soundly
While I still feel the ache

Every time your name
Brushes across my lips
Take a sip

Every time my stomach sinks
At the thought of her hand in yours
Take a sip

Every time I replay
Our last conversation
Take a sip

I wonder when
The game will end

When I have nothing
Left to drink

Or when you finally
Leave me be

When noon rays
Paint streaks across my floor
A subtle reminder that life
Still continues
Outside my little cocoon

When the unbearable weight
Of life in all her glory
Finally closes my eyes
And I take a breath of risk
Not knowing if I’ll wake
In time to live

That is my favorite
Time to sleep.

I never understood poetry
Until I felt hollow

My tears began to fill
The empty places
That all your kisses left

I drowned in the memories
Waking at night
To the nightmare
Of your last phone call

I never understood poetry
Until I love you became goodbye