You are quite possibly the single most obvious mistake I have ever made.
I am surely one of the many quiet secrets you keep hidden away.

You are my daily focus, the star of my night, the sun of my morning sky.
I am your guilt, the gray cloud of storm brooding behind your eyes.

You have my heart, the very top of my affections, to the soles of my feet, walk in love for you.
I have your pocket, your destructive words, your guile.

You have my trust, my home, my smile, laughter & tears.
I long to hold your hand, feel you close, know your thoughts.

You see no value in me
I dream of a life with you

You have my light
I have your dark
You have my truth
I have your lies
You have my heart
I have your guilt.

You have all of me
I have not a speck of you

In every thought
in every laugh and
every subtle joke with
every step I take
in the morning when I wake
when I turn the key of my home
when I pick up my phone
hoping it's you and I feel a tiny gleam
of hope in my heart... Aching to bloom.
In all things of beauty
every sparkling star.
The shuffle of your stride,
the moonbeam in the dark
The smell of fresh cut grass in the park
The sounds of love surround me and I wonder how I shall escape them when I wake...
And then, in my sleep, they creep in
like thieves, robbing me blind... And I feel you close enough to touch and smell your heat.
These are the ties that truly bind...
No lifestyle, no submission, *******, or ****** act of contrition...
Rather the subtle pressure of your hand on my wrist, professing that while it is over now, it was never casual, it was significant and with hope's most earnest desire.

Finally , I realise you do not feel love for me, nor will you ever.
We speak the type of words that are cordial, fake to each other.
Difficult for me, forced for you.
We had lunch and you were hardly present with me.
I have never felt more removed from your equation than sitting across from you at that table.
You refused to share a meal with me... And the most difficult thing for me, is when you attack me from a side that is not relevant between us, politics.
I have never judged your wealth, your ethics or your politics. I have never loved you less for your arrogance or for your wandering eyes and tedious political platitudes.

I am suffering. Deeply wounded.
I take consolation that this too shall pass into memory eventually.
I think you suffer as well.
I don't think you intended to not love me.
I think your ideals were set long ago and I just didn't fit into them.
But you received love from me in way that was unconditional.
A way you haven't felt maybe ever.
So, I don't  blame you for keeping me around.
Although you may think you were selfish... I think you were thirsty for love, and I, having so much love and devotion to give...I was irresistible even to a perfect person such as you.

It will never be my fault that you were desperately seeking anything when you met me.
I was not desperate.
I looked for you, liked, wanted and decided on you.
I stopped seeing others because I chose you.
I take it as a personal insult that you think I chose you in desperation.
I found you incredibly stimulating then.
I thought you were, still think you are, exceptional.

I even believe your relationship concepts are possible, but it would have to be eyes wide shut on her part.
I don't know how to close my eyes.
I am flawed for you.

Still-
You made me happy.
You woke me up and gave me thoughts and pleasures I haven't known before.
You also gave me doubts and shame so deep I can not reconcile them.
To be with you, I resigned to the idea that I should do as you say... Not do as I please.
I have never done that before. I never put someone before me that high up, on the priority scale.
For all that I did, it was not enough.
You still left me... As I knew you eventually would.
I realised you did not love me and never will, for the second time, the day you told me I was so dark and you were white and you asked "what are we doing here?!" You were drinking and your filters were down.

My heart was drowning in sorrow so deep, I knew you couldn't see yourself with me for the long term.
I'm not your ideal.
I don't fit into your white-knight-saves-single-white-mother-submissive box.
I would give anything to fit into your ideal...
-To change myself
-To be in you good graces.
-To be loved by you.

I have given so much of me... So much I'm confused as to how I should continue...
I don't want to continue this way.
I feel a deep, volcanic anger.
I am reckless in it and there are no brakes in this frenzied state for me.
I act Tyrannic, Impulsive and Trite.
I am dangerous now.

So why do you let me be around you?
Have *** with me?
Provide for me when I need it?
Your sense of duty maybe?
You have no duty to me.
You owe me nothing.

I gave you my love in total surrender... trust and love is steeply priced.
I pushed people away, I prioritised you and me...
I moved closer to feel your protection.
I believed you when you said you loved me. That one time... Forever engrained in my head... The day you had me show my body to another for his pleasure and to prove to you I would do your bidding even against my better judgement.
I did not like it.
You lost part of me on that day.
I began to fear you.
I never said it.  
A mistake on my part.
Still I love you and thought I could get passed the humiliation with this love.
I was wrong.
I can not love enough for the two of us.
So I have made sure this road slowly, surely, comes to a fork and I choose right and put you left.
I choose to never see you again.
I choose to end all communication.
I choose to cut off all ties and when the time comes I will move and forget this mountain ridge outside my door ever existed and I will forget you.
But worse, I shall never forgive you.
Because you told me you created the bedroom and the apartment for "us"... And I naively believed you.
Because "Chip would never mislead me."
I yelled this to my mother and father once...
They told me it was not real.
That I should not be with you. And I went against their wishes.
I hurt them.
That's why I can not forgive you.

It seems all who deal with you emotionally get burned or they flee your company.
I did not understand why they would leave you if you're in love with "them".
I don't know who they are... But I should've learned from them.
Get away. Far away. Oceans away and never return.

The fork in the road is here.
I stand on the right and to my left, you become smaller and smaller. As I move forward...
You become smaller and the fissure in my heart widens.

I am sober and my mind wanders to a place that I have tried to close off permanently...still.

I have been in love before... About 15 years ago...
I realise I am still in love with him and he is in love with me.
We have accepted and confessed to each other the bare truth.
And when we did...
When I felt my love rise out of me and land on him in Total honesty...
I felt freed and was able to say I am still in love with him, but not harnessed by it.
It does not hold me back.
Rather it pushes me forward to love again.
It also allowed me to be honest in another aspect...
I am not submissive.
I played that role for you to please you.
I enjoyed it more than I thought was possible and I truly thought that was the only way you'd like me.
This is not about you.
This is about me being a certain way for people to like me...
When I am most likeable being myself.
I am in love with you still...
But, it's tainted by the darkness of the fetish.
That first date...
The fear
My conditioning in abuse.

Permit me to be in proximity to you for the rest of my life.
Entwine with me, your very thoughts & emotions.
Confess devotion to your life, children, work, to us.
Admit that we are meant to be in relationship, whatever that may look like.
Surrender with me, to things we cannot change.
Aspire to change those things we can.
Find with me, the wisdom to know the difference.
Guide me with your firm hand over the terse waters that may come.
Be my everything, as I'll be yours to do with as you desire.
Calm my fire of insecurity with your omniscience.
Repose in comfort on my bed, every morning you shall have a loving smile.
Love me as much as you can for the time we have been given, as I will love you no less

I miss your loving heart, that beats with a deep caring for others to the limits of its strength and surely, beyond.

I look for the disciplined communication of your arms, that time and again, express those things that words fail, with an open hand on my body.

I long for the wit and wisdom that is you.
That which warms the soul and quickens my heart to beat when life has dragged it down.

I miss you with all my being for you complete me in ways that words can not express.

When I do things alone, they have no meaning
when I do things with you, they give me purpose.

I look for sleep to bring you to me at the appointed hour, with the desire that I might already be returning to your good grace...
Whilst I sleep and dream you by my side.

You are engrained in me, more than you can know.
You are the oil, indelible, colourful. I am the canvas for your Blues,  Greens & Blood Red.

You are my air, my very breathe, that fills my soul with hope, lights my path in love and keeps me safe.

The heat of the day lingers in my room heavy, as if to echo my heart, and I find the sky cries down as though it too, feels the breaking of my heart at this parting and joins me in tears of anguish.

Though I know it has been only a short time we spent together, my soul feels the weight of it, as if those months might be years.

I cross now, in total darkness, to a place where I am blind. No colour-blue love, no jade cuff, Napa hill-sides or sparkling shoes can make up for losing you. No one person will ever know the sadness that lives within me.

Not in Summer's heat
Or Winter's rain
Nor Fall's vision bleak
In Spring's main focus; reform
I shall never forgive you
Your memory will be forgotten

Man of my dreams
Father of my screams
Brother to my fears
Lover extraordinaire; aggressor
I WILL never forgive you
Your memory WILL be forgotten.

Dominant of my body
Owner of my pain
Player of mind games
Breaker of my heart; shattered
I WILL NEVER forgive you
Your memory will BE forgotten

I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU

He's my Fleur de lis
My hot fantasy
In charge
On large responsibility
To me For me By Me
Into me
His mouth His ***** H I S
Not his turn His Property I
Tap it Turn it Wake me up
****** Romantic Redemantic

Permit me to be in proximity to you for the rest of my life.
Entwine with me, your very thoughts & emotions.
Confess devotion to your life, children, work, to us.
Admit that we are meant to be in relationship, whatever that may look like.
Surrender with me, to things we cannot change.
Aspire to change those things we can.
Find with me, the wisdom to know the difference.
Guide me with your firm hand over the terse waters that may come.
Be my everything, as I'll be yours to do with as you desire.
Calm my fire of insecurity with your omniscience.
Repose in comfort on my bed, every morning you shall have a loving smile.
Love me as much as you can for the time we have been given, as I will love you no less.

I am your Esclava.
docile.
responsive.  
submissive.
You are my Maestro.
virile.
responsible.
hunter.
dominant.
Your belt is my Extasis.
sublime.
enhancer.
loving.
demander.

Thank you for the gift of saying yes to me today.
It is an excess of generosity that you acquiesce to my request.
  "For You Yes"
You gave me a verbal diamond of a gift.
But as soon as I would have you bound to my passion's content...
I would look to free you.
As I feel so deeply for you,  that a moment of your bind would be an eternity of concern for me.
You were not born to be bound... a true Alpha.
You:
Confiner of my affection.
Master of my body.
Premier in my mind.
North of my compass.  
Free & unbound;
I would have you no other way...
Just know that appreciate your generosity toward me and have never taken your interest for granted.

I love who you are
and what you aspire to...
I love your resolve
and how you manage it...
I love your strength
and the way you curb it for me...
I love your mind
in its' every devious moment...
I love your soul
for its' intrinsic search of purity...
I love your body
my temple of all worship...

You rise, walk to the door
I wake, watch you, listen
You return, warm, loving
I hold, feel you, breathe you
You are omniscient, calm
I am the ecstatic vessel
You are my sensual ocean
I ask you to position
You accommodate with ease
I aim you to please
You close your eyes
I move down your thighs
You grow hard at the thought
I am excited, ready, hot
You in my mouth, my heart
I listen to your voice
You are my hypnotic
I am your submissive servant
You are my choice

Don't look at me
Instead, pull me close, hold me
& listen to the song
My breathy moan, coming from my
Mouth Smoothe, deep, dark

It is the Spark, the clue
The water of life,
Slowly spilling out my body
Connecting to your ocean of strength

How do I tell you my feelings for you scare me?
When do I tell you that I miss you in the morning...
The mid-day and most of all the night?
My soul hums your name in my ear all day.
Does yours sing the same for me?
Do you feel the butterflies rise in your chest, exit your lips and rest on your eyelids, as I do, when I merely think of you?
I am blinded by the emotions dancing in my eyes.
I am vulnerable to you and I am frightened.
If I tell you my feelings...
Will you still want me?
Will you be afraid as well?
Will you hold my hand through the fear?  
Will you caress my cheek and kiss me passionately, as you did in the beginning?
Will this be a long lasting love?
Will you have me and hold me till I one of us dies in the others arms?
I'm afraid...I'm scared to tell you of my fears... Tripley negative.
If I don't speak, fears will take over, emotions will take flight to rest on another set of eyelids.
I am afraid I will have to tell you that I am afraid you will leave me.

In my deepest dreams I looked into your eyes. You held me close. Consumed my body for pleasure. You moved me.
Inspired me to winged words, nectar memories. Poet once, and now again. You moved me.
I have seen you in pure white
Sheets warm blanketed in
****** cashmere. Scented, you in me. Especially before dawn, when sin and sun kiss each cloud with guile. I was moved to feel that jolt of naive excitement.
Moved to flutter under you, into you, moaning you. Desire on my tongue, in my soul. My mind on nothing but your graceful strength that moved me.

-In the darkest hours of the night,
When the cats meow and the bats bite,
When it tip toes towards the door,
And out to not be imprisoned anymore.
-It circles around the bed and around the pole, yes.
It restores urges, but depletes self-control.
-It assists many things, like money and fame.
Emptiness! All we share is a last name.
-A tool, an aid, a sacrifice,
Quiet hips that are concise.
Understandably, it can offend.
-It’s natural, but can condescend.
Who I share it with is my own business,
Whether poor in health, or rich in sickness.
It fuels my life, and my desire,
It’s fully-clothed in no attire.
Abused by many, and cherished by few,
An intimate pas de deux.
Heart of you, or me-
Don’t be offended by my sexuality.

You are not free
To love me

You are married
Legally, emotionally
Paralyzingly

You built a life
based on guilt.

And now you want me to be
part of your destiny

Beaten, harnessed,
pained, drained,

Following orders
Submissive borders

I'm going down a rabbit hole where  I'm going to shrink, meet a tweetle Dom, & eat a cookie or two that will blow my mind. You're not where I'm at... I'm not where you are... We are both losing out.

I want to use my hands on your body, I want to explore your rivers and your valleys. L
From the top of your mountain to the depths of your sea,
I want to fuel the fire inside of me... Lo
I want to look in your eyes, past the mask you hide behind. Lov
I want to know all of you, what makes you smile what makes you blue... Love
You know I want to please you, take you so high.
Calming those fears from the past, making a new path and a brand new day. Lover

He's my Fleur de lis.
My hot fantasy.
In charge.
On large responsibility.
To me. For me. By Me.
Into me.
His mouth His Body. H. I. S.
Not his turn. His Property; I
Tap it. Turn it. Wake me up.
******. Romantic. Redemantic.