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Peartini Feb 2017
You are quite possibly the single most obvious mistake I have ever made.
I am surely one of the many quiet secrets you keep hidden away.

You are my daily focus, the star of my night, the sun of my morning sky.
I am your guilt, the gray cloud of storm brooding behind your eyes.

You have my heart, the very top of my affections, to the soles of my feet, walk in love for you.
I have your pocket, your destructive words, your guile.

You have my trust, my home, my smile, laughter & tears.
I long to hold your hand, feel you close, know your thoughts.

You see no value in me
I dream of a life with you

You have my light
I have your dark
You have my truth
I have your lies
You have my heart
I have your guilt.

You have all of me
I have not a speck of you
Peartini Feb 2017
In every thought
in every laugh and
every subtle joke with
every step I take
in the morning when I wake
when I turn the key of my home
when I pick up my phone
hoping it's you and I feel a tiny gleam
of hope in my heart... Aching to bloom.
In all things of beauty
every sparkling star.
The shuffle of your stride,
the moonbeam in the dark
The smell of fresh cut grass in the park
The sounds of love surround me and I wonder how I shall escape them when I wake...
And then, in my sleep, they creep in
like thieves, robbing me blind... And I feel you close enough to touch and smell your heat.
These are the ties that truly bind...
No lifestyle, no submission, *******, or ****** act of contrition...
Rather the subtle pressure of your hand on my wrist, professing that while it is over now, it was never casual, it was significant and with hope's most earnest desire.
To Chip- My Dominant, MY one and only thrill.
Peartini Jan 2017
Finally , I realise you do not feel love for me, nor will you ever.
We speak the type of words that are cordial, fake to each other.
Difficult for me, forced for you.
We had lunch and you were hardly present with me.
I have never felt more removed from your equation than sitting across from you at that table.
You refused to share a meal with me... And the most difficult thing for me, is when you attack me from a side that is not relevant between us, politics.
I have never judged your wealth, your ethics or your politics. I have never loved you less for your arrogance or for your wandering eyes and tedious political platitudes.

I am suffering. Deeply wounded.
I take consolation that this too shall pass into memory eventually.
I think you suffer as well.
I don't think you intended to not love me.
I think your ideals were set long ago and I just didn't fit into them.
But you received love from me in way that was unconditional.
A way you haven't felt maybe ever.
So, I don't  blame you for keeping me around.
Although you may think you were selfish... I think you were thirsty for love, and I, having so much love and devotion to give...I was irresistible even to a perfect person such as you.

It will never be my fault that you were desperately seeking anything when you met me.
I was not desperate.
I looked for you, liked, wanted and decided on you.
I stopped seeing others because I chose you.
I take it as a personal insult that you think I chose you in desperation.
I found you incredibly stimulating then.
I thought you were, still think you are, exceptional.

I even believe your relationship concepts are possible, but it would have to be eyes wide shut on her part.
I don't know how to close my eyes.
I am flawed for you.

You made me happy.
You woke me up and gave me thoughts and pleasures I haven't known before.
You also gave me doubts and shame so deep I can not reconcile them.
To be with you, I resigned to the idea that I should do as you say... Not do as I please.
I have never done that before. I never put someone before me that high up, on the priority scale.
For all that I did, it was not enough.
You still left me... As I knew you eventually would.
I realised you did not love me and never will, for the second time, the day you told me I was so dark and you were white and you asked "what are we doing here?!" You were drinking and your filters were down.

My heart was drowning in sorrow so deep, I knew you couldn't see yourself with me for the long term.
I'm not your ideal.
I don't fit into your white-knight-saves-single-white-mother-submissive box.
I would give anything to fit into your ideal...
-To change myself
-To be in you good graces.
-To be loved by you.

I have given so much of me... So much I'm confused as to how I should continue...
I don't want to continue this way.
I feel a deep, volcanic anger.
I am reckless in it and there are no brakes in this frenzied state for me.
I act Tyrannic, Impulsive and Trite.
I am dangerous now.

So why do you let me be around you?
Have *** with me?
Provide for me when I need it?
Your sense of duty maybe?
You have no duty to me.
You owe me nothing.

I gave you my love in total surrender... trust and love is steeply priced.
I pushed people away, I prioritised you and me...
I moved closer to feel your protection.
I believed you when you said you loved me. That one time... Forever engrained in my head... The day you had me show my body to another for his pleasure and to prove to you I would do your bidding even against my better judgement.
I did not like it.
You lost part of me on that day.
I began to fear you.
I never said it.  
A mistake on my part.
Still I love you and thought I could get passed the humiliation with this love.
I was wrong.
I can not love enough for the two of us.
So I have made sure this road slowly, surely, comes to a fork and I choose right and put you left.
I choose to never see you again.
I choose to end all communication.
I choose to cut off all ties and when the time comes I will move and forget this mountain ridge outside my door ever existed and I will forget you.
But worse, I shall never forgive you.
Because you told me you created the bedroom and the apartment for "us"... And I naively believed you.
Because "Chip would never mislead me."
I yelled this to my mother and father once...
They told me it was not real.
That I should not be with you. And I went against their wishes.
I hurt them.
That's why I can not forgive you.

It seems all who deal with you emotionally get burned or they flee your company.
I did not understand why they would leave you if you're in love with "them".
I don't know who they are... But I should've learned from them.
Get away. Far away. Oceans away and never return.

The fork in the road is here.
I stand on the right and to my left, you become smaller and smaller. As I move forward...
You become smaller and the fissure in my heart widens.
Peartini Jan 2017
I am sober and my mind wanders to a place that I have tried to close off permanently...still.

I have been in love before... About 15 years ago...
I realise I am still in love with him and he is in love with me.
We have accepted and confessed to each other the bare truth.
And when we did...
When I felt my love rise out of me and land on him in Total honesty...
I felt freed and was able to say I am still in love with him, but not harnessed by it.
It does not hold me back.
Rather it pushes me forward to love again.
It also allowed me to be honest in another aspect...
I am not submissive.
I played that role for you to please you.
I enjoyed it more than I thought was possible and I truly thought that was the only way you'd like me.
This is not about you.
This is about me being a certain way for people to like me...
When I am most likeable being myself.
I am in love with you still...
But, it's tainted by the darkness of the fetish.
That first date...
The fear
My conditioning in abuse.
Peartini Jul 2016
Permit me to be in proximity to you for the rest of my life.
Entwine with me, your very thoughts & emotions.
Confess devotion to your life, children, work, to us.
Admit that we are meant to be in relationship, whatever that may look like.
Surrender with me, to things we cannot change.
Aspire to change those things we can.
Find with me, the wisdom to know the difference.
Guide me with your firm hand over the terse waters that may come.
Be my everything, as I'll be yours to do with as you desire.
Calm my fire of insecurity with your omniscience.
Repose in comfort on my bed, every morning you shall have a loving smile.
Love me as much as you can for the time we have been given, as I will love you no less
Peartini Jul 2016
I miss your loving heart, that beats with a deep caring for others to the limits of its strength and surely, beyond.

I look for the disciplined communication of your arms, that time and again, express those things that words fail, with an open hand on my body.

I long for the wit and wisdom that is you.
That which warms the soul and quickens my heart to beat when life has dragged it down.

I miss you with all my being for you complete me in ways that words can not express.

When I do things alone, they have no meaning
when I do things with you, they give me purpose.

I look for sleep to bring you to me at the appointed hour, with the desire that I might already be returning to your good grace...
Whilst I sleep and dream you by my side.

You are engrained in me, more than you can know.
You are the oil, indelible, colourful. I am the canvas for your Blues,  Greens & Blood Red.

You are my air, my very breathe, that fills my soul with hope, lights my path in love and keeps me safe.

The heat of the day lingers in my room heavy, as if to echo my heart, and I find the sky cries down as though it too, feels the breaking of my heart at this parting and joins me in tears of anguish.

Though I know it has been only a short time we spent together, my soul feels the weight of it, as if those months might be years.

I cross now, in total darkness, to a place where I am blind. No colour-blue love, no jade cuff, Napa hill-sides or sparkling shoes can make up for losing you. No one person will ever know the sadness that lives within me.
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