Finally , I realise you do not feel love for me, nor will you ever.
We speak the type of words that are cordial, fake to each other.
Difficult for me, forced for you.
We had lunch and you were hardly present with me.
I have never felt more removed from your equation than sitting across from you at that table.
You refused to share a meal with me... And the most difficult thing for me, is when you attack me from a side that is not relevant between us, politics.
I have never judged your wealth, your ethics or your politics. I have never loved you less for your arrogance or for your wandering eyes and tedious political platitudes.
I am suffering. Deeply wounded.
I take consolation that this too shall pass into memory eventually.
I think you suffer as well.
I don't think you intended to not love me.
I think your ideals were set long ago and I just didn't fit into them.
But you received love from me in way that was unconditional.
A way you haven't felt maybe ever.
So, I don't blame you for keeping me around.
Although you may think you were selfish... I think you were thirsty for love, and I, having so much love and devotion to give...I was irresistible even to a perfect person such as you.
It will never be my fault that you were desperately seeking anything when you met me.
I was not desperate.
I looked for you, liked, wanted and decided on you.
I stopped seeing others because I chose you.
I take it as a personal insult that you think I chose you in desperation.
I found you incredibly stimulating then.
I thought you were, still think you are, exceptional.
I even believe your relationship concepts are possible, but it would have to be eyes wide shut on her part.
I don't know how to close my eyes.
I am flawed for you.
You made me happy.
You woke me up and gave me thoughts and pleasures I haven't known before.
You also gave me doubts and shame so deep I can not reconcile them.
To be with you, I resigned to the idea that I should do as you say... Not do as I please.
I have never done that before. I never put someone before me that high up, on the priority scale.
For all that I did, it was not enough.
You still left me... As I knew you eventually would.
I realised you did not love me and never will, for the second time, the day you told me I was so dark and you were white and you asked "what are we doing here?!" You were drinking and your filters were down.
My heart was drowning in sorrow so deep, I knew you couldn't see yourself with me for the long term.
I'm not your ideal.
I don't fit into your white-knight-saves-single-white-mother-submissive box.
I would give anything to fit into your ideal...
-To change myself
-To be in you good graces.
-To be loved by you.
I have given so much of me... So much I'm confused as to how I should continue...
I don't want to continue this way.
I feel a deep, volcanic anger.
I am reckless in it and there are no brakes in this frenzied state for me.
I act Tyrannic, Impulsive and Trite.
I am dangerous now.
So why do you let me be around you?
Have *** with me?
Provide for me when I need it?
Your sense of duty maybe?
You have no duty to me.
You owe me nothing.
I gave you my love in total surrender... trust and love is steeply priced.
I pushed people away, I prioritised you and me...
I moved closer to feel your protection.
I believed you when you said you loved me. That one time... Forever engrained in my head... The day you had me show my body to another for his pleasure and to prove to you I would do your bidding even against my better judgement.
I did not like it.
You lost part of me on that day.
I began to fear you.
I never said it.
A mistake on my part.
Still I love you and thought I could get passed the humiliation with this love.
I was wrong.
I can not love enough for the two of us.
So I have made sure this road slowly, surely, comes to a fork and I choose right and put you left.
I choose to never see you again.
I choose to end all communication.
I choose to cut off all ties and when the time comes I will move and forget this mountain ridge outside my door ever existed and I will forget you.
But worse, I shall never forgive you.
Because you told me you created the bedroom and the apartment for "us"... And I naively believed you.
Because "Chip would never mislead me."
I yelled this to my mother and father once...
They told me it was not real.
That I should not be with you. And I went against their wishes.
I hurt them.
That's why I can not forgive you.
It seems all who deal with you emotionally get burned or they flee your company.
I did not understand why they would leave you if you're in love with "them".
I don't know who they are... But I should've learned from them.
Get away. Far away. Oceans away and never return.
The fork in the road is here.
I stand on the right and to my left, you become smaller and smaller. As I move forward...
You become smaller and the fissure in my heart widens.