Michaela Ferris

Michaela Ferris Mar 2020

Help Me!

A silent scream that cannot escape my lips,
hinted through the smallest of gestures
hoping someone will see the damage I have done to myself!
Tear stained cheeks and bloodied bitten lips,
broken nails and ripped up skin
a reality of my mental health,
a disheveled mess I know should be fixed.

Help me!

A plea for help getting quieter
knowing no-one cares to hear an empty shell,
a wilted flower, slowly fading out of existence.
Wanting so desperately for someone to see me,
waiting for the day I feel edging closer.
Hanging by a thread because it's all too much.
When I say things are okay, see the pleading for someone to stay.

Help!

I fear I maybe too far gone.
The begs for life are nothing more then a lump in my throat.
All that lays near is a broken and beaten down shadow,
an empty, hollow nothingness invisible to the eye.
No longer feeling like I deserve a place here.
Pushing everything and everyone away, no-longer caring.
It's okay if you go, I won't be here by tomorrow.

Michaela Ferris Mar 2020

Sometimes

I wish someone could read my face sometimes,
see through the lies that say 'I'm fine'.
When all is said and done
we walk away and the door is shut;
that's when the tears start to come.
What people don't understand
is that my mind is like a barricade:
the panic is worse when I admit I'm not okay
so keep my mouth shut,
scared of a repeat from the past...
As the days go passing by
and all I seem to have done is cry,
behind closed doors i'm scared of myself,
knowing I'm too much
and never going to be good enough

Michaela Ferris Mar 2020

Pushing You Away

Standing face-to-face,
Trying to understand
Why I have a tendency to break things down?
Turn away from you,
Unable to say a word
But I can already feel it now,
I'm pushing you too far away.

I won't let you stay,
Don't want to hurt you more
Then I already know I do, it's something i always do.
Nothing that I can do
Could ever live up to what you deserve.
So I don't think we can stay friends,
I hope you understand

One more step and I'm breaking.
One more and I hurt myself again.
The door is closing
And I just can't change it

Nothing more to say,
Nothing left to break.
Nothing more to give,
Nothing left to take.
I keep reaching out for you
But I can't tell you what it is.
I keep reaching out for you
Just wishing someone would stay
As I push you away!

Michaela Ferris Mar 2020

Expressionless

Looking into my own eyes
knowing they don't hold the stars
emotionless, expressionless pits of darkness.
Unable to speak my own mind,
unable to speak my emotions
hoping my eyes could do the talking
but they have become as expressionless as their host.

Reaching down into the depths of my heart,
slowly turning as cold as ice
as the ability to speak my mind has slowly been erased.
Drowning in myself, from tears held inside
Drowning in the depths of my own turmoil
hoping someone could see the pain inside
but knowing no-one cares to look deep enough.

My inability to express my thoughts
holds me captive in a circle of never-ending heartache,
broken promises and disappearing friends.
A subject of disappointment in everyone's eyes
A subject of a worthless, failure of a girl.
Now there's nothing more to give of myself,
given all I can 'till it drained me completely.

Michaela Ferris Mar 2020

Cold as Stone

I need to feel the sun on my face,
Talk things through with myself
and maybe get things straight for once.
For all I know right now is
I can't breathe
and I'm waiting for this all to end.

I wish I was as cold as stone,
at least then I wouldn't feel a thing.
I wish I didn't have this heart,
at least then I wouldn't hurt like this;
standing in the rain burning my skin.
I would be strong enough to watch you hurt me in the end.

I feel so all alone
Now there is nothing more to give,
nothing left to take.
I thought by now that I'd be fine,
but these tears keep blurring my eyes as I reach out to you,
as you start to turn away from me just like they did.

I wish I was as cold as stone,
at least then I wouldn't be afraid,
of all this pain and sadness happening again.
I wish I didn't have this heart,
at least then I wouldn't hurt like this,
I would be strong enough to watch you hurt me in the end.

I wish I was cold as stone,
at least then I wouldn't be hurt again,
because I can feel it coming
from a thousand miles away.
I wish I was cold as stone,
at least then I could turn away before this all gets too much.

I'm just waiting for the day that this ends,
because I've never been very good at getting people to stay.
I just wish I was as cold as stone.

#stone #cold #depression #sadness #emptiness #dark #alone #loneliness #pain

Michaela Ferris Feb 2020

All of the stars are fading away

Now all of the stars
Are fading away
As I watch the last ones burn out of existence
I feel myself falling to the same darkness.
Closed off from feelings of hope,
Now things have all become too unbearable for one person alone
I surrender to the dark abyss of my insanity.
Now all of the stars are fading away,
I will take my place amongst
The burnt out forgotten.

Michaela Ferris Feb 2020

The worst of me

If I've ever put you through hell
And you feel like I've only called
When I've needed help...
Or lied to your face,
Shutting you out to protect you from myself
Then there's nothing left for me to say
But thank you for putting up with me.

Now I have trouble finding my way,
Believing that I'm all my mistakes
And the words that they spoke are coming true.
I lie in dark, lonely rooms
Unable to speak a word of how much I'm hurting.
I know all I'm doing is letting you all down
But I'm too tired to keep fighting myself!