I'm shivering and shaking,
and I don't know if I'm breathing
My heart is pounding against my ribs
I swear, I am about to break down and cry
Oh, god, the fear,
Oh, god, the torment
Why was I cursed with such anxiety?

The excited shout of a “Happy birthday!”
is my reminder that someone still thinks about me.

Where do
the lost ones
go?
Where is it that they wander to
when they leave behind their shadows
and a growing pool of tears?
Where do the souls
who were never completed
drift off to
when they finally realize
that they are lost?
Where do they go,
why do they go,
why can’t they stay
just a little bit longer
to find the light that they seek?
If they could just wait
a little bit longer,
they would find that
everything
they need
is right in front of them,
Right within their grasp.

S h ii v e rr r . . .
I tremble as I breathe you in
I tremble as I think again
“You are the only one for me,”

S h ii v e rr r . . .
I vibrate under your gentle touch
I vibrate under the force of your love
And let it sweep over my head

S h ii v e rr r . . .
I shiver as I wake,
I shiver as the warmth seeps away,
And I realize that it was just another dream.*

But today I will see you,
And that will be a dream
come true.

Who sat there?
I see
a girl with sad eyes that no one sees
In the kitchen, there is a chair
that no one ever uses
at a table set for five,
why?
I see
tears leaking into the wood that no one sees
Upstairs, a door not opened
Contents are need-to-know only,
why?
I see
the monster used to dance with her here, where no one could see
In the room across the hall,
the broken mother cries at night
with a cracked frame in her hand.
Why?
I see
*in the bathroom are bloodstains that she wishes she didn't see.

Everything hurts, but
I have no bruises,
no leaking wounds.
The torment
lies
inside,
a persistent infection.
It grew bored
of letting me hide,
and the tide has dragged me
so
far
down.
I almost feel like
this time,
I might really drown.

I know that you’re angry
about what she did,
but attacking me for
her decisions
will only drive me away.

I know you don’t understand
how someone could hide
behind a false family,
but we weren’t false.
We were just safe.

She decided to take a risk for love,
and now she’s happy,
and I am proud.

My fear is endless,
No place is safe.
Technology and supreme warfare is safety
But too much safety is dangerous
Everything is threatened at every single second
I feel it
I feel the tension
I feel the rubber band stretching thin
Don't break, please, don't break
I walk down the sidewalk of a campus that should be be safe but I feel endangered and exposed and I know that
Anyone could be watching
Anyone could be waiting
Anything could be looming about to pounce and tear serenity to pieces

I just want to feel safe again, not like even the tiniest move could **** me.

Only half a soul resides
inside a human casket
Just 50% of ethereal being,
feeling,
self.
And many live unaware
of what they truly search for
They think that they are empty
because they have no money
They think that they are empty
because they have no hope
But truly they are empty
because they only have half a soul
And everyone, yes, everyone,
has someone to someday meet
And every soul, yes, every soul
had another half to greet
So keep your feet moving
no matter how weary the journey
Your soul mate is waiting for you
and emptiness will be but a memory.

Lingering in the arms of my love,
Ears ringing from the noise of youth,
I realize how much I secretly yearn
for the solitude of the week-end.

You live in a city underground
Where screams don't make a sound,
and voices are physical.
Words slap you across the face
They kick you in the gut
Knock you to your knees
Leave you gasping for more oxygen
The only way to survive
in a city full of words and pain
is to take your voice
and weave soft fabrics into it
Stuff it full of sun-soaked clouds
and add a few burrs to make it stick
Wrap a rope around it, easy grip
for something to hold on to
Then sing out loud
Pull the letters, strung together;
Twinkling Christmas lights,
pull them from your throat
And toss them across the pavement
String them over windows
And wrap them around staple-ridden light poles
Then dump what's left into a bucket
and fill the spaces in with liquid gold
instead of boiling blood
And pour it all over your head
So you can shine bright and be seen
Then sing, messenger bird, sing
And show the city the light of hope.

Here I am, startled
by the silence of the night
Disturbed by the quiet
caused by lack of morning light
But it's peaceful, too,
the soft and quiet dark
The fog absorbs my dreams.

A lightning blot

just touched me heart

Jagged white strip

of pain

Flash!

Heartbeats thunder

through my brain,

provoked

by fear's burning breath.

Who? Who's there?
I cannot see you
through the fog that surrounds me
What? What is there?
I cannot see it
through the fog that surrounds me

Please, I must ask
that you leave me be;
Let me catch my beauty sleep.

I feel the cold waves lapping at my feet,
whispering dark words in the night -
The waves are slowly rising to drown my soul again.
The cold will leave me numb,
and the drowning will leave my lungs on fire.
It won’t be long before I’m sinking again.

Eyelids sliding shut
SNAP!
They fly back open
Can't let them stay closed
Stayawakestayawake
They slide again
SNAP!
Open, open, stay open, stay
Awake.
That is something
that is easier coming from the mouth
than from the limbs.

******, love,
you torture me!
You take my heart and wrap it in the softest blanket
And as I start to feel safe
You suddenly whip out the dagger that as behind your back
and ram it through my chest
You rip my heart to shreds
And the blood stains my soul.

And then you take the one I love
and torture him, too!
I have to watch his agony, I'll drown in his tears
You leave him feeling hopeless and lost,
so that he doesn't want to stay.

Love, you are truly an eternal flame;
you warm and nurture or burn and torture
You cannot be controlled
You have cursed us, haven't you?
Cursed us with your fiery gift
While giving us hope you also opened us
to pain.
Love,
you are the greatest of treasures
and the most painful of tortures.
You can bring life,
But you can inspire a death

Oh! Love, I could go on all day
It is endless how I can say
That I depise you, love,
but at the same time adore you.

what to write

when you're tired

and sad,

and words just don't feel

like enough

anymore.

Talking to strangers is odd...
Oddly refreshing.

Nipping at my heels,
the darkness follows me
Threatening to tear me to pieces
I toss my emotions to the wolves
and let myself go numb
I am machine, not human,
unnatural thing
And nothing can spike feeling back into my chest
Tonight, let me lie
unaware
Let me lie in the numbness
Let me lie without pain
Because my yearning for blood will bring me no gain
I cannot free myself
with rivulets of red
I cannot wake myself
with memories of love-woven hours
I cannot be myself
Because tonight I am empty.

I thought

only one person

made me feel

like this,

but

I could listen

to your voice

for ages,

and your warmth

is so safe and right.

I'm just so scared,

for I still care

the same way

for another.

These worlds,

slowly separating,

are getting harder

to bridge.

It hurts to stretch, but

it hurts more to think

of losing either side.

I feel the change,

smell the mist that's

begun to coat my face.

I just wish I knew

what's hiding under the wave.

I wanna feel the flames
Feel the fire in my face
I wanna scream so the world can see
that I’m ready to break free and breathe
Let me take back my power
Let me walk across the flames
Test my heart and test my soul
to cleanse me of my regrets
I can see the future
See it dark and clean
I can see what we can be
I can see us all being free
We live in a world of imprisonment
Live in a world that is far from clean
We’ve blinded ourselves to the true meaning
Of living as a human being

Stoke the fires
Build the flames
We will make sure you remember our names
‘Cause I know I’m not the only one who’s tired
Of playing all these stupid games
I know I’m not the only one who’s sick
Of seeing so much pain for no gain
Our scream rise above the flames
Rise into the star-studded sky
To be heard for worlds around
We’re not backing down,
we’re not silent.

Don't.
Please, don't.
Don't let yourself cry.
Don't let the tears fall
when there are people watching.
You may be invisible to them,
but if you cry, they will notice
And remember you for being weak.
So don't cry,
don't.
Please, don't.
Just wait for the shadows,
wait for the solitude,
wait until you are alone
to cry.

Shooting stars
Toss themselves out of the sky
Just to burn.
Tired of watching everyone below
Scream and cry and bleed
It’s torture to watch these people, all in pain,
Unable to do anything about it, so
Shooting stars toss themselves out of the sky
Because they’d rather burn.

I think my emotions are broken
Nothing I feel seems to be correct anymore
I don't love when I should, I don't cry when I should
Am I dying? Dead? How could I know, there's nothing to indicate
because my heart beats fast at the wrong **** time
The happy pops through when everyone else needs to cry
I'm not sure why I'm so calm as you cry
Am I broken? I'm not whole
It's time to find my soul.

A swell of golden fire
Burning in my heart
Shimmering through my capillaries,
Burning in my veins
It grows to set my soul on fire;
It burns to make me weep
Tears of sun, blindingly warm and sweet
Like honey on your tongue
Whenever our lips meet.

I worry about forgetting -
my memories aren’t sharp
like they should be,
everything is out of focus.
I can barely see what happened
one,
two,
three years ago-
My past doesn’t feel like mine.
I am losing my history.

Ah, you're warm and safe,
yet distant, a little bit cold
It'll take some getting used to,
but I'm willing to try.

The clock ticks down
and their time grows short;
he is desperate to hold her
until the very last millisecond.

Let me take you
into my thoughts,
but I'll warn you only once:
This is dangerous territory,
full of bombs and blood.
Your heart might break a little,
your eyes well with tears,
but don't fear -
I won't let the enemy touch you.

Now, let's start at the home base:
Here you see a little me, hungry and alone.
Not a starving child on the side of the road,
but simply a girl craving attention.
A child sits here, playing with her crayons
and dreaming of more magical things.
She's scared, though,
because there are explosions outside,
and bad men banging on her door,
trying to take her away
and break her.

Moving on to the battlefield,
where the light fights with the dark.
Now, I know that seems cliche,
but it's true -
You can see my happiness in white and gold,
struggling to cut down the gruesome beasts on the other side.
Everything I have to live for
is up against everything that tells me to die.
Quick, get away! The creatures have spotted us!

Okay, we're safe for now.
No, really, we're safe...I promise.
This is my happy place.
Another cliche, I know.
Look around:
It's warm and sunny and full of lilac trees,
and there's a library over there, full of my favorite books.
There are quite a few cats strolling around,
free for the petting.
See? Happy place.
We don't have time to enjoy it,
unfortunately.
We're almost at the most important place here.

My heart.
It's very warm in here, I know.
See all those little golden lights?
Those are all the things that I love, and love me back.
They keep me warm and happy,
even when the dark creatures win a battle.
These are the things that give my protectors strength,
so that they don't lose the war.
They give me hope and comfort when I am curled up
deep in the depths of my mind.
I won't take you there, to the dungeon,
for I am the only one able to enter.
Me, and these little gold lights.

So, now you know what's in here,
what hides inside my skull.
I hope this tour didn't frighten you too much,
I hope you won't run away.

You see, I showed you this because
I have been fighting alone,
and I've grown weary.
I need a helping hand,
someone to support me when I lose my will.
So I hope that you'll stay
Don't say anything,
just stay.

He lies awake at night,
heart full of memories
and eyes full of tears.
Grief has taken his dreams away.

I think that I am possessed
I scroll into the past, and
I see the words that pour from my heart
The's are mine? No, they cannot be mine;
I don't even remember writing that line
I think I am possessed by a poetic spirit
Who yanks strange words from my bones
Because how could it be that I,
So simple, so fragile, so weak and slow,
Can create these literary masterpieces
That I see as I scroll
Nay, they cannot be mine
I am surely possessed by poetry.

I try to scream
but no one will listen
All they hear is a buzzing fly
Annoying

I wave my arms
but no one will look
All they see is a dull moth
Meaningless

I stand and dance
but no one will watch
All they look at is a glowing screen
Distracting

I write my words
and make them read
Because when they read, they see
Me

And so it takes my breath away,

yanks it out of my throat

and tosses it to the wind.

  I am left mute,

and when my lips part,

only empty air is able to escape.

  The shadow laughs

at the tears that roll down my face

as I watch my voice drift away

  on the summer breeze.

My blue mixed with your storms
makes a raging torrent
and all we can do is hold on.

BLOCK
my thoughts
FREEZE
my ink
STOP
my brain
so I can’t think
WRITER’S BLOCK

I don't know if I'm happy or I'm sad,
Or maybe even mad
It's possible that I'm insane
Somewhat broken in the brain
I'm crying inside
But keep a smile on my face
Because I don't want anybody to know
Who I really am
I don't want my lost love to know
That I'm falling apart and I'm fixing myself
The pieces are crooked and not quite right
I fall apart again every single night
But my skin is made of steel,
I have a heart of gold and diamonds
I will always shine no matter if life drops me in the mud.
I can be in the deepest pit, and you'd still see me shine
Because my love is strong and my faith is right:
I believe not in the invisible ruler
But in myself - I have the strength to do it,
Anything.
So yes, I'm broken, yes, I'm bent
But no matter how long I have to cry and vent,
Someday I will rise and fly
Like the prettiest songbird in the sky
With my love by my side and my kin nearby
I will fly, I will fly, and I'll keep shining
No matter what life brings my way.

I think I am floating
just above my head
I am not in my body,
nor am I dead
I'm just a little bit
disconnected
Is it normal, is it right?
Should I know the power of mind-flight?
I am not properly attached to the world
Reality is losing its grip on me.

A trail of shivering sparks is left on my skin.

I’m on the fine gray line
between the living
and the divine.

Look inside me
See nothing? Look deeper
Hding under my beating heart,
Just behind the shimmering silver skin of my soul
A foul entity sits on a pile of dirt
One eye half gone, the other not quite whole
His skin a foul purple, reeking of lost things
This cursed creature sits and twiddles his thumbs
He watches through my eyes as I smile and I cry
And just when I think that he has crumbled away,
He suddenly climbs up my spine
And clambers into my head to play
He plays with shadows, he plays with light
He dissolves the clarity of wrong and right
He toys with puppets, all connected to my limbs
And as he plays he whispers
“No pain, no gain, precious heart,
You must break before joy you meet
This game I play is a practiced art
A game that you cannot hope to beat.”
And he giggles, and he shows me
All these ways that I could die
I could jump and try to fly
I could wear a necklace of rope
I could choke on broken hope
The silver shimmers in my hand
Promising a much better land
But in the reflection I see a new face
And my heart begins to race
For the face is not mine, but instead
my soul mate, who would shatter if I were dead
This tricky beast living under my throat,
He can dance and he can gloat
But no matter how many needles
he buries under my pale, scarred skin
I will always find my love again.

*And this is what will save me.

Let our whispers,
our laughter and our screams,
the sounds of love, of desire and pleasure;
Let the sounds of us stain the sky -
I think we can brighten the stars with our love.

Simultaneously light and heavy,

I cut all the chains but one;

A gleaming stretch of diamond links

Binds my heart to his.

This is the only chain I will not cut,

For it is not only impossible,

Made of hard iridescent diamond,

But it is also an unseen desire;

I do not wish to cut this last chain,

And I swear that I never will.

See the paint
dripping down the wall
Watch it as it falls
to stain us all
Red-streaked fingers
and mercury shining eyes
Eyes staining the sky
Silver and gold
to make new friends
But will you keep the old?
Or just ball them up
anicent poems in a torn-up notebook
toss it onto the pile of wood
Toss the lit match, watch it burn
Gold flames melt the silver down
until it dissolves
and is gone
Blackbird swoops down
and the tip of his wing
whispers to the fire
“Ignite me, I beg you;
your golden flames are just so beautiful.”
The shrill scream of the blackbird
pierces the sky
And makes the clouds cry tears of
clear sorrow and bitter sympathy

Standing below, face tilted up,
a little girl pokes her tongue
through her teeth
She can taste the sorrow and sympathy
And she can taste the fear
She can taste a world of pain
just in one single tear.

By the time you read this, I will be dead.
I will have grown tired of the light,
and my soul will have fled.
It was time for me to join eternal night.

By the time you read this, I will be dead.
I ask that you shed no tears
when you see me in my bed
Young and sad, full of so many more years.

By the time you read this, I will be dead.
Remember my smile, let it warm your heart.
I know that you never thought of me without dread
I promise you that we will never truly part.

By the time you read this, I will be dead.
I have gone on a journey to the beyond
I will find an after now that soul's light has left my head.
I hope to see you again, and that you never forget our bond