The bear's name wasn't always Heartbreak.
He used to be Teddy Bear Chester, a symbol of the future. He was hope.
His fur was soft when he was first bought, the ribbon on his neck shiny and clean.
His eyes glimmered with artificial joy.
He was hugged tightly on Valentine's Day, greeted with a pleased squeal.
He could feel the love between her and the gifter.
The bear was kept warm every night
as the girl lay and dreamt of her love.
Sometimes he was held tight in daylight, too,
as heartache racked her body and tears threatened to spill.
For months he was loved well.

But then the love was accompanied by pain.
He was moved to a new place, with the same girl.
Different bed, same heart.
Same loneliness and love.

He felt the pain grow in the girl.
The loneliness. The sadness.
There was still love, but it was slowly smothered.

Then it was gone.

So he became the Heartbreak Bear,
his new home a shelf in the closet.
Before he was hidden away he saw
her with a new lover,
a smile on her face.
He felt new love within her,
and closed his eyes as she later tucked him away.
Her touch was still gentle on his now-greasy fur,
ragged from countless nights buried under her covers.
She brushed one last kiss across his head,
then set him down
and closed the door.
And the Heartbreak Bear now sits in darkness.
He can still hear her laughing, feel her loving.
She is still warm.

Nipping at my heels,
the darkness follows me
Threatening to tear me to pieces
I toss my emotions to the wolves
and let myself go numb
I am machine, not human,
unnatural thing
And nothing can spike feeling back into my chest
Tonight, let me lie
unaware
Let me lie in the numbness
Let me lie without pain
Because my yearning for blood will bring me no gain
I cannot free myself
with rivulets of red
I cannot wake myself
with memories of love-woven hours
I cannot be myself
Because tonight I am empty.

No, no,
I'm falling again
No, no,
It's dark again
No, no,
It's worse now than ever before
No, no,
It's so hard to breathe.

The excited shout of a “Happy birthday!”
is my reminder that someone still thinks about me.

There is
a pane
of glass,
standing upright
and surrounded
by several different people.

A large hammer
is swinging
repeatedly
into the glass,
cracking it
more
and
more
over time.

Eventually,
the glass
s
       h
    a
          t
  t    e
           r
      s
        ,
and the pieces fly
and hit the surrounding people,
causing wounds big and small.

The people stumble
and cry
and they wonder why
they could not see the cracks in the glass.
They wonder
if they could have stopped it
sooner.

But it's too late now,
and now they all bleed,
and now they all cry,
and some of them may die -

Because no one saw
the cracks in the glass.

The darkness,
seething darkness,
has returned.

I have done more
than simply fall in,
let myself drown.

I have gathered it up,
and worn it as a cloak.
The pain is my protection.

What can you say
to break through
my fog and stormclouds?

i gotta type something
but i don't know what to write
my mind is fading
fading into the night
i'm about to shut down
about to lose control
so when the world starts spinning
just let me lose my hold
i am not in reality
i have gone away
into a place without mortality

I feel the cold waves lapping at my feet,
whispering dark words in the night -
The waves are slowly rising to drown my soul again.
The cold will leave me numb,
and the drowning will leave my lungs on fire.
It won’t be long before I’m sinking again.

Spider weave their webs over my eyes
to hide the once-bright green inside
To cloak my brain in agony
To shield me from the sunlight

I lift my coat-hanger limbs
And dance with darkness
I let the demons drink my blood
I let the ghosts take naps in my gold-straw hair

Ah, I am a ghost, too
Ah, well I should be
But, ah, a little secret saved me
A fairy tale turned true

A knight saved the princess
From her dusty dark dungeon
He kissed her and woke up her gravestone heart
And she realized the magic of a smile

But even as they journeyed on,
They danced and kissed their way forward,
The shadows danced with them,
The ghosts stole me away from him

Don’t take me away from him
Don’t take him away from me
Don’t let him turn away from me
Don’t make me dumb enough to turn away from him

I’m just another ghost girl gray,
Eyes cloaked in spider-thread
Limbs outlined in paper and streaked with blood
I dance with my demons,

Even as I believe in love.

******, love,
you torture me!
You take my heart and wrap it in the softest blanket
And as I start to feel safe
You suddenly whip out the dagger that as behind your back
and ram it through my chest
You rip my heart to shreds
And the blood stains my soul.

And then you take the one I love
and torture him, too!
I have to watch his agony, I'll drown in his tears
You leave him feeling hopeless and lost,
so that he doesn't want to stay.

Love, you are truly an eternal flame;
you warm and nurture or burn and torture
You cannot be controlled
You have cursed us, haven't you?
Cursed us with your fiery gift
While giving us hope you also opened us
to pain.
Love,
you are the greatest of treasures
and the most painful of tortures.
You can bring life,
But you can inspire a death

Oh! Love, I could go on all day
It is endless how I can say
That I depise you, love,
but at the same time adore you.

My reality
is cracking
at the corners
And I’m leaking in all the wrong places

A trail of shivering sparks is left on my skin.

I cannot speak of my emotions,
my mouth freezes, tears do not fall
My insanity pours out from my pen,
it slips down my fingers and splatters the keyboard
with blood
I cry
I wonder why
I cannot SPEAK the truth of my heart,
all I can do is weild my pen;
write.

These words can fly into the sky
fluttering iridescent wings,
high on the love and despair
of teenage affairs
They fly through the eyes
of fellow young minds
Light up the deadzones inside
with my voice
I write because I cannot speak,
I write to share my mind
with the ones I love
and with the world

take my words
and fly.

By the time you read this, I will be dead.
I will have grown tired of the light,
and my soul will have fled.
It was time for me to join eternal night.

By the time you read this, I will be dead.
I ask that you shed no tears
when you see me in my bed
Young and sad, full of so many more years.

By the time you read this, I will be dead.
Remember my smile, let it warm your heart.
I know that you never thought of me without dread
I promise you that we will never truly part.

By the time you read this, I will be dead.
I have gone on a journey to the beyond
I will find an after now that soul's light has left my head.
I hope to see you again, and that you never forget our bond

My fear is endless,
No place is safe.
Technology and supreme warfare is safety
But too much safety is dangerous
Everything is threatened at every single second
I feel it
I feel the tension
I feel the rubber band stretching thin
Don't break, please, don't break
I walk down the sidewalk of a campus that should be be safe but I feel endangered and exposed and I know that
Anyone could be watching
Anyone could be waiting
Anything could be looming about to pounce and tear serenity to pieces

I just want to feel safe again, not like even the tiniest move could **** me.

Where do
the lost ones
go?
Where is it that they wander to
when they leave behind their shadows
and a growing pool of tears?
Where do the souls
who were never completed
drift off to
when they finally realize
that they are lost?
Where do they go,
why do they go,
why can’t they stay
just a little bit longer
to find the light that they seek?
If they could just wait
a little bit longer,
they would find that
everything
they need
is right in front of them,
Right within their grasp.

I don't know if I'm happy or I'm sad,
Or maybe even mad
It's possible that I'm insane
Somewhat broken in the brain
I'm crying inside
But keep a smile on my face
Because I don't want anybody to know
Who I really am
I don't want my lost love to know
That I'm falling apart and I'm fixing myself
The pieces are crooked and not quite right
I fall apart again every single night
But my skin is made of steel,
I have a heart of gold and diamonds
I will always shine no matter if life drops me in the mud.
I can be in the deepest pit, and you'd still see me shine
Because my love is strong and my faith is right:
I believe not in the invisible ruler
But in myself - I have the strength to do it,
Anything.
So yes, I'm broken, yes, I'm bent
But no matter how long I have to cry and vent,
Someday I will rise and fly
Like the prettiest songbird in the sky
With my love by my side and my kin nearby
I will fly, I will fly, and I'll keep shining
No matter what life brings my way.

I want to scream

in your face

so that you

have no choice

except

to hear me

acknowledge me



I want to tear myself apart

so you can look inside me

and you can see

everything

that is wrong

with me



I want to jump

and fall

away

into a

never-ending

oblivion

You will lose me

I know you said
it wasn't for the same reasons as me
But knowing that you drew your own blood
still scares me.

Why am I always abandoned,
why am I always alone?
Why am I always left to wander
down this dismal road
s o l i t a r y
With no one to turn to,
no one to cry on,
no one to tell  me that
they care;
Why am I always shoved right back
into this nightmare
right when I think I might be okay?

Why do I suffer this curse, this
disease
of solitude and fear?

Simultaneously light and heavy,

I cut all the chains but one;

A gleaming stretch of diamond links

Binds my heart to his.

This is the only chain I will not cut,

For it is not only impossible,

Made of hard iridescent diamond,

But it is also an unseen desire;

I do not wish to cut this last chain,

And I swear that I never will.

I know that you’re angry
about what she did,
but attacking me for
her decisions
will only drive me away.

I know you don’t understand
how someone could hide
behind a false family,
but we weren’t false.
We were just safe.

She decided to take a risk for love,
and now she’s happy,
and I am proud.

Take me back
to the fair,
To the magic and joy
Take me back
To pink swirls of candy cotton
And fresh-squeezed lemonade
Take me back
To giant teddy bears
And dusty neon balloons
Take me back
To the top of the Ferris wheel
And the top of the world
Take me back
To carefree happiness,
This old surreal world.

It’s happening again,
the desperate urge to write
and not knowing what to write
a poem
or a love letter
or maybe a mix of both
I’m not panicking
(yet),
but I am afraid
because I can hear them whispering again
I can feel their claws scratching at the walls
the walls that he helped me build
and he isn’t here right now
to send them away
He isn’t here right now
to save the day
so I guess I’m here alone
for now
dreaming of his face to be seen a week
from now
I’m trying to stay strong for him
right now
Because a few more days a fighting won’t **** me
when I know that he’s waiting
in a purple-lined hallway
and I know that soon I will be safe.

Who? Who's there?
I cannot see you
through the fog that surrounds me
What? What is there?
I cannot see it
through the fog that surrounds me

Please, I must ask
that you leave me be;
Let me catch my beauty sleep.

Let our whispers,
our laughter and our screams,
the sounds of love, of desire and pleasure;
Let the sounds of us stain the sky -
I think we can brighten the stars with our love.

One moment,
he is real
Fresh in her mind
as her mother drives her farther
and farther away
from him.
The next moment(day),
He is a memory(no, he's a dream)
And she is suddenly
THAT GIRL
again;
Hollow-eyed
rib cage
and upside-down smile
She is suddenly
NOT HERSELF
AND SHE IS HERSELF
SHE DOES NOT KNOW

WHO IS SHE
WHEN SHE DOES NOT SEE
HIM?

silent ghost girl
drifting
waiting

She will only come alive again
when she knows that she will see
his face.
But until then,
ghost girl
drifting
is left with memories(DREAMS)
She is left alone with her old self.

Hiding inside of me,
Inside a girl made of ice and fear,

There is a woman made of fire

She spins and dances around my heart,
Trying to melt the icicles

She’s almost melted all of the icicles

Every kiss adds to silver puddle
That forms a pool deep in my belly

Uncertain of how I feel, of
Never-ending questions, of
Curious prompts and
Ecstatic noises
Rainfall outside my window
Tiptap tiptap
Anonymous,
I am anonymous
No more

And so it takes my breath away,

yanks it out of my throat

and tosses it to the wind.

  I am left mute,

and when my lips part,

only empty air is able to escape.

  The shadow laughs

at the tears that roll down my face

as I watch my voice drift away

  on the summer breeze.

Talking to strangers is odd...
Oddly refreshing.

I think my emotions are broken
Nothing I feel seems to be correct anymore
I don't love when I should, I don't cry when I should
Am I dying? Dead? How could I know, there's nothing to indicate
because my heart beats fast at the wrong **** time
The happy pops through when everyone else needs to cry
I'm not sure why I'm so calm as you cry
Am I broken? I'm not whole
It's time to find my soul.

I need to stop
digging up love
And let it grow instead

Did you ever meet a girl who's name just should have been Sunshine
Because she was so bright and warm, and her smile
Was a sunrise after a dark and stormy night, everything is bright
and even though she was a little bit strange
She wasn't quite right, you just couldn't help but enjoy her company?

That was me, once upon a time
I was a fair princess with a golden heart and a broken brain.
I was oblivious to the monsters that prowled the world
Until I met a broken girl with broken emotions and a shattered brain
And I learned that people are terrible creatures
They claw your eyes out and eat all of your food
They leave you mangled and cracked and scared and sad and about to explode
They turn us into ticking time bombs
And there are less of us every day who can cut the right wires
And we
All
Ex
Plode  .
I was a sunshine girl, then I met the storm
And I thunder and I strike, but
Somehow there is never rain
And I hurt and I love
And I remember how I was a sunshine girl,
How I lit up the world;
I still want to be a sunshine girl.

I think I am floating
just above my head
I am not in my body,
nor am I dead
I'm just a little bit
disconnected
Is it normal, is it right?
Should I know the power of mind-flight?
I am not properly attached to the world
Reality is losing its grip on me.

Lingering in the arms of my love,
Ears ringing from the noise of youth,
I realize how much I secretly yearn
for the solitude of the week-end.

There’s a warmth
slowly building
deep in my heart.
Every time I look at you,
every time we touch,
I feel it,
so close to becoming
a flame.

I don’t believe in any deity,
But I still hope and pray every day
That I will never feel true heartbreak;
*I hope and pray every day
that I will never lose you.

I sit and I shiver
I shiver until I shatter
I shatter into stained-glass bits
Pieces of stardust trapped in the fragments
of me.

I wish

I could tear open my chest

and reveal my pain

for the world to see.



I wish

I could rip my soul to shreds

and put each piece in a bottle

for the ocean to carry away from me.



I wish

I could detonate an explosive

inside my head

to expel the screaming demons inside.



I wish

I could run from the light

and merge with the dark

so nobody can find me.



I wish

I could scream forever

until I explode

and free myself from this torment.



I wish

I could learn

how to see the sun again.

I tell you a lot;
I tell you with my poems
I tell you my sorrow;
I tell you my love
I tell you demons in my head;
I tell you daydreams in my bed
I tell you what cannot be said aloud;
I tell what no one seems to have found
I tell you a lot with these swirls of ink;
I tell you now, to read closely and discover how I think.

I swear
I'm already breathing in your scent again,
I know that you're there
But it's still just a dream
I know
I've already hugged you to death
thirteen million times
But it's still just a dream

I think
Our lips have finally met after 12 long days
and I've melted into you
But it's still just a dream

I could have sworn
I heard your voice, seen your face, mahogany eyes
Held your hand tight in mine
But it was all a dream

Reality is coming soon
Just a couple of hours of
anticipation remain
Before dreams will come true

Just a couple of spins
of the clock's iron arrow
Then I will see you again
And it won't be just a dream

Every hug will be true
Every kiss a granted wish
And I'll pinch us both
To promise that we're awake

Just a couple of hours, love
Our fingertips are about to touch
So breathe, just breathe
Today we meet again.

I'm shivering and shaking,
and I don't know if I'm breathing
My heart is pounding against my ribs
I swear, I am about to break down and cry
Oh, god, the fear,
Oh, god, the torment
Why was I cursed with such anxiety?

Dance on a river of glass shards
stained with blood
The bottoms of your feet
streaked with shiny pink scars
Dance and dance,
you can't help but dance
The pain is too great to stand still.

You think I don't see you avoiding me;
You're pushing me away
You think I don't worry about you
more every single day
Something's wrong with you,
Something is hurting you
I wish I knew,
I wish I knew...

Hey, little star,
you know who you are,
that beacon in the sky that shone for me...
You shot away
Into outer space
You said that you wanted to be free!
So I've let you go,
but I hope you know
I'll never forget the truth that lies
inside my heart, in the warmest part:
You're the most beautiful thing ever seen by these eyes.

Does she make you smile?
Yes, good!
Does she make you laugh?
Yes, well, good!
Does she fill the empty space that you dug into your soul?
I hope it's not so...
I hope it's not so!
Because I know!
I know that you know:
It can't be denied that you're for me...
And that little hole,
that hole in your soul:
That is a spot reserved for me!

I'm sure you're happy
now that you're free,
but I don't think she knows the cure...
There's a sickness inside you,
a darkness that I've seen;
Does she really know you?
Can she really help you,
or is she suppressing a scream?

Don't scare her away,
I know she's trying hard
to keep your demons at bay
How well does she do?
Can she win those battles like I do?
You see, I don't really think
That she knows what she's doing
Yes, she's sick, too,
But not the same as you,
And how can you cure each other
If you don't even know what's wrong?

Maybe I'm calling you a freak,
maybe saying that you're insane
But frankly, I just wish that you
were still all mine...
I know how to cure you,
And I will always adore you
No matter the monster that hides inside.

If she's brave enough to fight your demons,
then keep her, by all means, keep her!
But if there's fear in her eyes,
If she's hiding just behind,
You might want to reconsider who you choose.
The truth, my love, is that she's not quite filling shoes.

let me tell you
the tale of the girl
who looked like nothing was wrong
whose life really was good
but still felt that
her world was shattering
the shards flew into her skin
leaving silver scars behind
her parents closed their eyes
and her friends silently wondered why
the darkness had no reason
the pain had no cause
but it was there, and she was falling
she will be
the death of herself.

Can I tell you this again,
how much I love you?
It is infinite,
which is why I keep saying it.

You are the sun and the moon,
you are
every breath I take,
every heartbeat that reverberates in my chest

You are my present and my future,
I just wish you could've been in my past, too
But those times are wisps of gray
clinging to the multicolored fabric of my sanity
I don't want that fogging up my brain
I want you illuminating my head

*You are everything.