You're not here,
but I still feel
your arms around me.
You're not here,
but I'm still high
off your breath.
You're not here,
but you've left an
imprint.

Everything hurts, but
I have no bruises,
no leaking wounds.
The torment
lies
inside,
a persistent infection.
It grew bored
of letting me hide,
and the tide has dragged me
so
far
down.
I almost feel like
this time,
I might really drown.

You wonder why I can’t say anything
as my lies explode in my face
You decide that my silence is equivalent
to a declaration of “I don’t care.”
But what you don’t understand is that
I DO CARE
and the reason I stay silent is because
nothing I could say would ever matter anyway
You would still tell me
I’m stupid, ignorant, immature, irresponsible
You would tell me that
everything I think I feel for him
is just teenage hormones, not love
You won’t listen to what I have to say,
so I’ll give you silence for an answer
I’ll try to tell you with my eyes
But I’m pretty sure you’re blind
It’s cliche to say that you don’t understand
when obviously you do
But when you refuse to listen to what I have to say
I just don’t understand the point in speaking at all
And I’ll let myself disappear, drift away
It’s a good thing I’m leaving anyway,
because I would be packing my bags right about now.

it builds up again
it builds up again
It builds up again and it's about to explode
i've lost my mind again
i've lost my mind again
I've lost my mind and I don't know how I'm alive
i'm on the edge again
i'm on the edge again
I'm on the edge and I have one foot hanging off
can i fly?

Daisycutter, daisycutter
Explosive as can be
Someone find a daisycutter
to set me free
My soul is wrinkled and my body is a tree
Oh, daisycutter, daisycutter,
set me free.

I won't give up
I don't give up
I can't give up
I have not given up
*on you.

Let me take you
into my thoughts,
but I'll warn you only once:
This is dangerous territory,
full of bombs and blood.
Your heart might break a little,
your eyes well with tears,
but don't fear -
I won't let the enemy touch you.

Now, let's start at the home base:
Here you see a little me, hungry and alone.
Not a starving child on the side of the road,
but simply a girl craving attention.
A child sits here, playing with her crayons
and dreaming of more magical things.
She's scared, though,
because there are explosions outside,
and bad men banging on her door,
trying to take her away
and break her.

Moving on to the battlefield,
where the light fights with the dark.
Now, I know that seems cliche,
but it's true -
You can see my happiness in white and gold,
struggling to cut down the gruesome beasts on the other side.
Everything I have to live for
is up against everything that tells me to die.
Quick, get away! The creatures have spotted us!

Okay, we're safe for now.
No, really, we're safe...I promise.
This is my happy place.
Another cliche, I know.
Look around:
It's warm and sunny and full of lilac trees,
and there's a library over there, full of my favorite books.
There are quite a few cats strolling around,
free for the petting.
See? Happy place.
We don't have time to enjoy it,
unfortunately.
We're almost at the most important place here.

My heart.
It's very warm in here, I know.
See all those little golden lights?
Those are all the things that I love, and love me back.
They keep me warm and happy,
even when the dark creatures win a battle.
These are the things that give my protectors strength,
so that they don't lose the war.
They give me hope and comfort when I am curled up
deep in the depths of my mind.
I won't take you there, to the dungeon,
for I am the only one able to enter.
Me, and these little gold lights.

So, now you know what's in here,
what hides inside my skull.
I hope this tour didn't frighten you too much,
I hope you won't run away.

You see, I showed you this because
I have been fighting alone,
and I've grown weary.
I need a helping hand,
someone to support me when I lose my will.
So I hope that you'll stay
Don't say anything,
just stay.

When she suddenly finds herself
shell-shocked,
With fragments of exploded lies staining her face,
all she can think about
is how much tighter she must hold on
to him
Even as the universe tries to pull her away.

I will be your Earth
When you need stability,
Your Water when you need clarity,
Your Air when you need to breathe,
And your Fire when you need to live and love.
I will be your Sun and Moon
to guide you through life,
And I will be your stars in the dark night
To bring you hope.

Don't be sorry for me
when my biggest problem
is anxiety
and a mother
who doesn't want to listen.
Be sorry for the other girls my age
who have to live on the streets
with barely a meal a day
and give up their bodies to survive.

When the emotional heart is ailing,
or perhaps the mind,
A better cure I cannot find
than music.

The dips and the dives of notes,
sweet and sour, high and low,
The ups and downs of life perfectly shown
Sky to earth, earth to sky.

The beats of the drums and the pounding bass,
thumping their way through the room
Providing more feeling with every boom
Vibrating through the heart and soul.

The voices, the voices, and the words they share,
telling their stories for the world to hear,
Give something to relate, and draw a tear
Or make feet dance and toss away their cares.

The sounds overall, the perfect mix,
combining everything to let us know
That music can make our feelings show
Emotion is the key to music

and music is the key to emotion.

It’s thinking of him that makes me feel alive again.

I always find the hungry men,
the wild men,
the ones who are barely restrained
And sometimes they lose control
and the fangs come out
and the claws slice
me into shiny little bits
Stain my petal-skin with blood.

I always find the hungry men,
who tear me apart night after night,
Who make me scream again and again
"Oh, please, not one more bite!"
I fear they will devour me
as they sip lightly on my nectar
But pleasure mixed with pain and fear -
Oh! Explosive, I cannot even think anymore!

I always find the hungry men,
Who make a flower bloom and bleed;
They tear me to bits and try not to breed,
*And in the morning I can still say
"Love."

See the paint
dripping down the wall
Watch it as it falls
to stain us all
Red-streaked fingers
and mercury shining eyes
Eyes staining the sky
Silver and gold
to make new friends
But will you keep the old?
Or just ball them up
anicent poems in a torn-up notebook
toss it onto the pile of wood
Toss the lit match, watch it burn
Gold flames melt the silver down
until it dissolves
and is gone
Blackbird swoops down
and the tip of his wing
whispers to the fire
“Ignite me, I beg you;
your golden flames are just so beautiful.”
The shrill scream of the blackbird
pierces the sky
And makes the clouds cry tears of
clear sorrow and bitter sympathy

Standing below, face tilted up,
a little girl pokes her tongue
through her teeth
She can taste the sorrow and sympathy
And she can taste the fear
She can taste a world of pain
just in one single tear.

Ah, you're warm and safe,
yet distant, a little bit cold
It'll take some getting used to,
but I'm willing to try.

Dear Francis,
       It’s cold. I’m cold. My hands are the icicles that you’ve always known them to be. My heart aches. It aches and breaks for you, the lost boy. It aches and breaks for Chester, who blinks his green eyes from the future and watches you cry. My heart aches and breaks and I still don’t cry, I never cry, why can I never cry? My tears died. I don’t know how to let you go, I don’t know how to move on. You’re my soul mate, aren’t you? We’ve been through so much. But time, time, terrible time has torn us apart and dangles the golden thread of a better future dangerously close to our lips.I wonder why I cannot seem to be without you, then I remember that I gave you a piece of my heart, a half of my soul, and you still have it in you, deep in your core. I pick my way down the path  of a painful friendship and trip and fall and bleed, but don’t cry. I keep my lips sealed because I don’t want the world to know that suddenly you’re just my best friend and not my future husband. I try to smile, I laugh and play, but you just take it all away. Why? Why must I be abandoned at this time when everything falls apart around me...my family is breaking, my body is, too. My soul would’ve broken a long time ago, but then you arrived with the right tools to fix it. I was happy and you were happy, but something in you failed and you broke again and again until you finally walked away and took the golden tools with you, and so I break again.
Love. The tortuous beast. It is a delicate balance between poison and cure, and now it has suddenly become the poison, and it roars through me, stealing my warmth and freezing me. I shiver. It laughs. Far, far away, you cry, and an innocent girl is caught in the net of a twisted love story. She searches for a way to comfort you, but what is right? She’s been wanting you for a while, and now she has you, but you’re broken. You’re stolen. I have your heart in my teeth and I’m not letting go because you promised me forever, and now you’re ripping my fairy tale to shreds. The knight has left the princess in the dragon’s lair, and he’s not sure if he should go back and save her, or go forward and take the hand of the fresh-faced maiden who won’t cause him pain. A line of maidens waits outside the dragon’s cave, all of them promising a less painful today for a happier future. What does he do?


What
Does
He
Do?

Suddenly
there is too much
noise
And I cannot
think
Every word is a
dagger
Loudly piercing my
ears
It
hurts
and
I
want
to
SCREAM
at the words
and
shatter them
in midair
and
let the pieces rain
down
They'll glitter in the dim
light
and become something
beautiful

This room where I hide,
it is filled with the stench of
winter, and shallow loneliness.

i.
his fingers
trailing down my spine and
his breath on my neck just before
his lips trail sparks across my skin

ii.
my lips
pressed against the smooth skin
of his neck, the vein there pulsing as
his heartbeat quickens with excitement

iii.
our fingers
twined together tightly
as our lips meet softly and
we breathlessly promise our love

As the sun rises today,
remember what you love.

As the sun rises today,
remember who you love.

As the sun rises today,
remember that you are strong.

As the sun rises today,
remember to carry on.

The ocean,
So calm just yesterday,
Is now roiling and gray, dark gray,
Almost ink-black
The waves stretch their tips towards the sky
Screaming “Why?!”
I feel it, they want to devour me.

I need you to remind me
that I do have a heart
I need you to tug on my soul
and remind me that I’m whole
I need you to hold me close
so I don’t freeze and go numb
I need you
to keep me alive.

i'm trying to tell you
yes
i'm trying to banish your fear of
no
but you cannot seem
to hear it.

i am scared
i am so, so scared
and i don't know what to do
i don't know how to stop it
the fear, the pain
i don't know a way
to get away
that will keep me
alive
not dying inside
not lifeless outside
still breathing and walking and talking
and living
i dont know how

someone please help me

i'm scared.

Hello, doctor,
could you take
a
look
inside my mind, please?
I think
there's
something
incorrect,
something
that
does
not belong?
I just can't seem to think
quite
right
anymore.
I cannot
control
my
thoughts
anymore
and my mind
controls
me
more
than it should.
Doctor, please
help me find
the infection
that I
m sure is lodged
somewhere in my head.

BLOCK
my thoughts
FREEZE
my ink
STOP
my brain
so I can’t think
WRITER’S BLOCK

Fall from the highest clouds
Back into the chill of reality
Land flat on your back, break your spine
Receive the shock of your life
Wish you didn't have to feel the pain
But know you must accept it when it comes
Bear the burden of life carefully
You must never let it fall
To let it fall would be to let darkness consume you
Pull you into forever sleep
Never let you wake
And if you somehow do wake
You won't be warm ever again
Your heart will be frozen
Skin cold to touch
You will have no thoughts of light
So don't let the weight of life fall
You are not the only one in pain
Seek the sun, but do not fall
Unless you can be sure that you will not fall.

I looked up last night,
The first time in a long time
And the simple beauty
Of a million white lights stree across
Blue-black velvet illuminated by the light of Lady Luna
Took my breath away and made me cry at the wonder

If I can see the stars, bright and fine,
Then I know that I am home.

He lies awake at night,
heart full of memories
and eyes full of tears.
Grief has taken his dreams away.

My heart still kick-starts
when I think of a snowy yesterday.
It was cold, and we shivered,
but we were still warm because of our love.
Soft kisses were concealed by the hoods
of designated ***** sweatshirts,
And the sounds of laughter and love
bounced off the walls of bustling homes.
I saw myself reflected in the shining brown of your eyes,
starshine melting my heart.
And our souls combined
for the millionth time
and I was lost
and you were lost
in you and me.

When I woke up,
my fish was dead.
His eyes were dull,
and his soul had fled.
I didn't wonder, I didn't cry,
I didn't sit and wonder why
Why did that dumb fish
have to die?

He will not swim
Nor does he float
Instead he sits
like a sunken boat
It seems that belly-up
is not true
He dies just the same
as me and you

Oh! What is this,
What have you done to me?
It’s like I’m addicted
To the smell of you,
The feel of you,
Hands on my waist and your lips on mine;
And when I’m away,
Filled with the thought of you,
Longing pierces my chest
So that I cannot sleep
Without imagining you by my side
Holding me close and keeping me
Safe and warm in your arms;
It;s where I’d like to stay forever,
Safe and warm in your arms.

It is your fear
which has saved my life;
That is the purpose of fear, I suppose:
It keeps a person safe
So that they may live another day,
and so that their soul mate
won’t be left alone and hollow
With no one left to fear for.

Reflections roll down the window;
They look like cartoon teardrops
running down a pale, flat face.

Raw, raw, raw
What am I? Raw
A fountain of untamed emotion
Held inside like wind in a bottle
What a I? I am a disappointment,
but aren’t we all?
I’m not quite sure why
I lie here and I cry
as I consider the time,
or the lack of it
We all lose time, it slips
out of our hands like grains of sand
So why do I lie here and cry
over it, over my dwindling time
with you, which has now been cut short
by doubts and suspicions?
Because I am human,
a victim of time and lies and emotion
And because you are, too.

He is a soul who needs to be saved,
Who wanders on his own
Who has scars on his soul.

And who am I to try to save him,
Me with the light gray heart,
Who knows the world but has no experience
Who still believes in light?

I am no one, and so is he,
But there's no reason for that to stop us,
No reason give in.

I think that with a bit of time,
Like a bird with a broken wing,
I can fix him.
I can teach him how to love again.

It’s inevitable,
Undeniable:
I am shrinking, fading, falling away
Reality moves farther from my grasp
Every day
I can’t help but feel
Disconnected
Is this depression? Is it anxiety?
Is it an ailment that has caught me by surprise?
I cannot say that I know
What it is that’s wrong with me
But it is odd, and frightening,
This week I’m fine and calm and okay,
Next week I’m a bouncing ball of buzzing anxiety;
Watch out! I might zap you with this electric energy
That has filled me to the brim
I don’t want to name disorders anymore
Because I tend to falsely diagnose
But I need to figure this out
I have to figure this out
I have to learn the name of my enemy
Before it squashes me completely
And wipes me off the face of existence.

I’m on the fine gray line
between the living
and the divine.

Let words flow

through the pen

and grow

on paper.



Let the whispers

of your heart

slip out to be seen

by the world.



Let everything

that plagues you

be released

by pen's sweet scrawl.



Let them see

the truth that is you,

the things that

you cannot say aloud.



Set yourself free,

release the butterflies,

they flutter across the page

and dance.

You give me hope,
but it’s hard to hold on to that
when everyone else
blew it out
even after promising
to protect its flame.

Leave a trail of butterflies
on my skin
with your kisses
We'll watch together
as the vibrant wings catch fire
And our lips meet in a storm of flame.

Sometimes I wish I could forget how to breathe
and just sink.
Would you still come after me?

Can you tell me
how the world still spins
when all we want to do is

STOP

and begin again
The shots never cease
tearing through the crowd
And the smoke keeps rising
It's staining the clouds
Red and black
Brown and gray
We've lost sight
of the light of day
We scream and we cry
We fight 'till we die
Fists to the sky
Voices rising high
The battle never ends
Infinite war
The shadow and the sun
Just beyond the door
is a terrible truth'
left behind
in the dust of fantasies
created in our mind
So I'm telling you today
Keep your fists up high
Stretch out your voices
Make 'em touch the sky
We watch the battle
We choose our sides
And the battles only end
when we say goodbye.

Tonight I wish to dance
with the shadow,
and let him sweep me off my feet;
I wish to let blood stain my wrist
and moonlight pierce my iris
As I embrace the ebony warmth
of my enemy.
I will let the dark feathered wings
sprout from my spine
and lift me away into the stars
To dance only the darkest dance,

and in the morning I will be light again.

Well, here I’ve gone and done it again
I’ve gone and broken my promise again
I’m so sorry, soul mate, I broke my promise again
And I hate the ******* pain of it
And I’m trying not to cry as I remember:

standing in the shower looking at the razor blade
it leers at me as hot water pours over my skin
and the demon in my mind laughs and rears its head
“You silly little girl, do you really think
you can just avoid it?
Go ahead, pick it up
It’s what you want, isn’t it?
You sad, sick little girl,
watching you struggle gives me such a thrill;
Now take up that blade
And let the silver bite
The taste of blood will haunt you all night.”
No, no, no
I keep thinking no
cowering against the shower wall
I keep saying no even as I watch
my trembling hand reach out towards that razor
stupidfuckingrazorihateyousomuch
it’s in my hand, it’s touching my skin
the metal bites, the blood rolls again
Oh, god, I broke my promise again
Oh, god, I have to tell him this again

I have to tell you this again:
I broke my promise, and I don’t know why
Maybe I’m possessed, and the demon just won’t die
And I’m so sorry I’ve hurt you
So sorry I broke your trust
Shining silver pieces stained with blood
My tears fall to wash away the blood
(I wish they would fall, oh, I wish they would fall)
And there’s something in me that’s about to explode
A swirling tornado about to wreck everything I’ve ever known
Quick, hide! Before it steals you away
Don’t let it take you away from me
Oh god, oh god, I just want to cry
Because I don’t know why these demons won’t die
I don’t know why they just want me to die

I  
WON’T
DIE
so **** the demons
They can make me bleed and cry
but I will not just ******* die
I have a soul mate who needs me to live
I still have so much in me to give
And they will not break me
I will bend and I will scream
I will cry and I will bleed
But I will not break, no
I won’t break

**I still have a life to live.

Last November, you gave me your heart
But a year to the day, you took it away
This year, to spare all the tears,
I'll save mine for someone special
But, baby, all I want for Christmas...
is you.

Notes are spinning

through my head;

I need a way to

let them out

But those notes

drown out

the memories of

cruel words

that try to tear me apart

with my own hands.

So I will

let the songs play on

and save me from

being lost.