BLOCK
my thoughts
FREEZE
my ink
STOP
my brain
so I can’t think
WRITER’S BLOCK

He lies awake at night,
heart full of memories
and eyes full of tears.
Grief has taken his dreams away.

I tell you a lot;
I tell you with my poems
I tell you my sorrow;
I tell you my love
I tell you demons in my head;
I tell you daydreams in my bed
I tell you what cannot be said aloud;
I tell what no one seems to have found
I tell you a lot with these swirls of ink;
I tell you now, to read closely and discover how I think.

Hiding inside of me,
Inside a girl made of ice and fear,

There is a woman made of fire

She spins and dances around my heart,
Trying to melt the icicles

She’s almost melted all of the icicles

Every kiss adds to silver puddle
That forms a pool deep in my belly

Sometimes I wish I could forget how to breathe
and just sink.
Would you still come after me?

Look inside me
See nothing? Look deeper
Hding under my beating heart,
Just behind the shimmering silver skin of my soul
A foul entity sits on a pile of dirt
One eye half gone, the other not quite whole
His skin a foul purple, reeking of lost things
This cursed creature sits and twiddles his thumbs
He watches through my eyes as I smile and I cry
And just when I think that he has crumbled away,
He suddenly climbs up my spine
And clambers into my head to play
He plays with shadows, he plays with light
He dissolves the clarity of wrong and right
He toys with puppets, all connected to my limbs
And as he plays he whispers
“No pain, no gain, precious heart,
You must break before joy you meet
This game I play is a practiced art
A game that you cannot hope to beat.”
And he giggles, and he shows me
All these ways that I could die
I could jump and try to fly
I could wear a necklace of rope
I could choke on broken hope
The silver shimmers in my hand
Promising a much better land
But in the reflection I see a new face
And my heart begins to race
For the face is not mine, but instead
my soul mate, who would shatter if I were dead
This tricky beast living under my throat,
He can dance and he can gloat
But no matter how many needles
he buries under my pale, scarred skin
I will always find my love again.

*And this is what will save me.

I’m on the fine gray line
between the living
and the divine.

I don’t believe in any deity,
But I still hope and pray every day
That I will never feel true heartbreak;
*I hope and pray every day
that I will never lose you.

I looked up last night,
The first time in a long time
And the simple beauty
Of a million white lights stree across
Blue-black velvet illuminated by the light of Lady Luna
Took my breath away and made me cry at the wonder

If I can see the stars, bright and fine,
Then I know that I am home.

Can I tell you this again,
how much I love you?
It is infinite,
which is why I keep saying it.

You are the sun and the moon,
you are
every breath I take,
every heartbeat that reverberates in my chest

You are my present and my future,
I just wish you could've been in my past, too
But those times are wisps of gray
clinging to the multicolored fabric of my sanity
I don't want that fogging up my brain
I want you illuminating my head

*You are everything.

I always find the hungry men,
the wild men,
the ones who are barely restrained
And sometimes they lose control
and the fangs come out
and the claws slice
me into shiny little bits
Stain my petal-skin with blood.

I always find the hungry men,
who tear me apart night after night,
Who make me scream again and again
"Oh, please, not one more bite!"
I fear they will devour me
as they sip lightly on my nectar
But pleasure mixed with pain and fear -
Oh! Explosive, I cannot even think anymore!

I always find the hungry men,
Who make a flower bloom and bleed;
They tear me to bits and try not to breed,
*And in the morning I can still say
"Love."

I sit and I shiver
I shiver until I shatter
I shatter into stained-glass bits
Pieces of stardust trapped in the fragments
of me.

it builds up again
it builds up again
It builds up again and it's about to explode
i've lost my mind again
i've lost my mind again
I've lost my mind and I don't know how I'm alive
i'm on the edge again
i'm on the edge again
I'm on the edge and I have one foot hanging off
can i fly?

let me tell you
the tale of the girl
who looked like nothing was wrong
whose life really was good
but still felt that
her world was shattering
the shards flew into her skin
leaving silver scars behind
her parents closed their eyes
and her friends silently wondered why
the darkness had no reason
the pain had no cause
but it was there, and she was falling
she will be
the death of herself.

You think I don't see you avoiding me;
You're pushing me away
You think I don't worry about you
more every single day
Something's wrong with you,
Something is hurting you
I wish I knew,
I wish I knew...

Hey, little star,
you know who you are,
that beacon in the sky that shone for me...
You shot away
Into outer space
You said that you wanted to be free!
So I've let you go,
but I hope you know
I'll never forget the truth that lies
inside my heart, in the warmest part:
You're the most beautiful thing ever seen by these eyes.

Does she make you smile?
Yes, good!
Does she make you laugh?
Yes, well, good!
Does she fill the empty space that you dug into your soul?
I hope it's not so...
I hope it's not so!
Because I know!
I know that you know:
It can't be denied that you're for me...
And that little hole,
that hole in your soul:
That is a spot reserved for me!

I'm sure you're happy
now that you're free,
but I don't think she knows the cure...
There's a sickness inside you,
a darkness that I've seen;
Does she really know you?
Can she really help you,
or is she suppressing a scream?

Don't scare her away,
I know she's trying hard
to keep your demons at bay
How well does she do?
Can she win those battles like I do?
You see, I don't really think
That she knows what she's doing
Yes, she's sick, too,
But not the same as you,
And how can you cure each other
If you don't even know what's wrong?

Maybe I'm calling you a freak,
maybe saying that you're insane
But frankly, I just wish that you
were still all mine...
I know how to cure you,
And I will always adore you
No matter the monster that hides inside.

If she's brave enough to fight your demons,
then keep her, by all means, keep her!
But if there's fear in her eyes,
If she's hiding just behind,
You might want to reconsider who you choose.
The truth, my love, is that she's not quite filling shoes.

I worry about forgetting -
my memories aren’t sharp
like they should be,
everything is out of focus.
I can barely see what happened
one,
two,
three years ago-
My past doesn’t feel like mine.
I am losing my history.

Dear Francis,
       It’s cold. I’m cold. My hands are the icicles that you’ve always known them to be. My heart aches. It aches and breaks for you, the lost boy. It aches and breaks for Chester, who blinks his green eyes from the future and watches you cry. My heart aches and breaks and I still don’t cry, I never cry, why can I never cry? My tears died. I don’t know how to let you go, I don’t know how to move on. You’re my soul mate, aren’t you? We’ve been through so much. But time, time, terrible time has torn us apart and dangles the golden thread of a better future dangerously close to our lips.I wonder why I cannot seem to be without you, then I remember that I gave you a piece of my heart, a half of my soul, and you still have it in you, deep in your core. I pick my way down the path  of a painful friendship and trip and fall and bleed, but don’t cry. I keep my lips sealed because I don’t want the world to know that suddenly you’re just my best friend and not my future husband. I try to smile, I laugh and play, but you just take it all away. Why? Why must I be abandoned at this time when everything falls apart around me...my family is breaking, my body is, too. My soul would’ve broken a long time ago, but then you arrived with the right tools to fix it. I was happy and you were happy, but something in you failed and you broke again and again until you finally walked away and took the golden tools with you, and so I break again.
Love. The tortuous beast. It is a delicate balance between poison and cure, and now it has suddenly become the poison, and it roars through me, stealing my warmth and freezing me. I shiver. It laughs. Far, far away, you cry, and an innocent girl is caught in the net of a twisted love story. She searches for a way to comfort you, but what is right? She’s been wanting you for a while, and now she has you, but you’re broken. You’re stolen. I have your heart in my teeth and I’m not letting go because you promised me forever, and now you’re ripping my fairy tale to shreds. The knight has left the princess in the dragon’s lair, and he’s not sure if he should go back and save her, or go forward and take the hand of the fresh-faced maiden who won’t cause him pain. A line of maidens waits outside the dragon’s cave, all of them promising a less painful today for a happier future. What does he do?


What
Does
He
Do?

You're not here,
but I still feel
your arms around me.
You're not here,
but I'm still high
off your breath.
You're not here,
but you've left an
imprint.

Dance on a river of glass shards
stained with blood
The bottoms of your feet
streaked with shiny pink scars
Dance and dance,
you can't help but dance
The pain is too great to stand still.

I won't give up
I don't give up
I can't give up
I have not given up
*on you.

You wonder why I can’t say anything
as my lies explode in my face
You decide that my silence is equivalent
to a declaration of “I don’t care.”
But what you don’t understand is that
I DO CARE
and the reason I stay silent is because
nothing I could say would ever matter anyway
You would still tell me
I’m stupid, ignorant, immature, irresponsible
You would tell me that
everything I think I feel for him
is just teenage hormones, not love
You won’t listen to what I have to say,
so I’ll give you silence for an answer
I’ll try to tell you with my eyes
But I’m pretty sure you’re blind
It’s cliche to say that you don’t understand
when obviously you do
But when you refuse to listen to what I have to say
I just don’t understand the point in speaking at all
And I’ll let myself disappear, drift away
It’s a good thing I’m leaving anyway,
because I would be packing my bags right about now.

Don't be sorry for me
when my biggest problem
is anxiety
and a mother
who doesn't want to listen.
Be sorry for the other girls my age
who have to live on the streets
with barely a meal a day
and give up their bodies to survive.

My words have collected dust.

Somewhere,
the time was lost,
or perhaps
simply the motivation.

When did this dream fade so fast?

Where did I lose the pen,
spill the ink?

I’m grasping for the tail end
of even a single word,
and here it is:

Return.

Tonight I wish to dance
with the shadow,
and let him sweep me off my feet;
I wish to let blood stain my wrist
and moonlight pierce my iris
As I embrace the ebony warmth
of my enemy.
I will let the dark feathered wings
sprout from my spine
and lift me away into the stars
To dance only the darkest dance,

and in the morning I will be light again.

When the emotional heart is ailing,
or perhaps the mind,
A better cure I cannot find
than music.

The dips and the dives of notes,
sweet and sour, high and low,
The ups and downs of life perfectly shown
Sky to earth, earth to sky.

The beats of the drums and the pounding bass,
thumping their way through the room
Providing more feeling with every boom
Vibrating through the heart and soul.

The voices, the voices, and the words they share,
telling their stories for the world to hear,
Give something to relate, and draw a tear
Or make feet dance and toss away their cares.

The sounds overall, the perfect mix,
combining everything to let us know
That music can make our feelings show
Emotion is the key to music

and music is the key to emotion.

Sunsets
and
stars,

shining and tossing
time away

Taking my breath
away

Every time
I look up,

My time
wastes
away.

i.
his fingers
trailing down my spine and
his breath on my neck just before
his lips trail sparks across my skin

ii.
my lips
pressed against the smooth skin
of his neck, the vein there pulsing as
his heartbeat quickens with excitement

iii.
our fingers
twined together tightly
as our lips meet softly and
we breathlessly promise our love

You give me hope,
but it’s hard to hold on to that
when everyone else
blew it out
even after promising
to protect its flame.

This room where I hide,
it is filled with the stench of
winter, and shallow loneliness.

Daisycutter, daisycutter
Explosive as can be
Someone find a daisycutter
to set me free
My soul is wrinkled and my body is a tree
Oh, daisycutter, daisycutter,
set me free.

I think that I am possessed
I scroll into the past, and
I see the words that pour from my heart
The's are mine? No, they cannot be mine;
I don't even remember writing that line
I think I am possessed by a poetic spirit
Who yanks strange words from my bones
Because how could it be that I,
So simple, so fragile, so weak and slow,
Can create these literary masterpieces
That I see as I scroll
Nay, they cannot be mine
I am surely possessed by poetry.

I need you to remind me
that I do have a heart
I need you to tug on my soul
and remind me that I’m whole
I need you to hold me close
so I don’t freeze and go numb
I need you
to keep me alive.

These bits of hope
are dimming more and more,
but maybe this one will stay bright.

I will be your Earth
When you need stability,
Your Water when you need clarity,
Your Air when you need to breathe,
And your Fire when you need to live and love.
I will be your Sun and Moon
to guide you through life,
And I will be your stars in the dark night
To bring you hope.

The threads between us
multiply
and strengthen our connection
with every word.

He is a soul who needs to be saved,
Who wanders on his own
Who has scars on his soul.

And who am I to try to save him,
Me with the light gray heart,
Who knows the world but has no experience
Who still believes in light?

I am no one, and so is he,
But there's no reason for that to stop us,
No reason give in.

I think that with a bit of time,
Like a bird with a broken wing,
I can fix him.
I can teach him how to love again.

It’s thinking of him that makes me feel alive again.

When I woke up,
my fish was dead.
His eyes were dull,
and his soul had fled.
I didn't wonder, I didn't cry,
I didn't sit and wonder why
Why did that dumb fish
have to die?

He will not swim
Nor does he float
Instead he sits
like a sunken boat
It seems that belly-up
is not true
He dies just the same
as me and you

He asks me to keep him alive
And after his voice has faded away,
I close my eyes, and imagine him gone
My soul is immediatelying torn to shreds
I do not wish to see him dead,
For his voice to be absent from the world
If I could not see those great brown eyes,
Well how could I live, if not here for him?
If he is gone, who am I?
Empty, lost, alone
I would be a shell of me, and that's if I could even go on
No, I do not wish the see him dead
The simple thought tears my soul to shreds.

The ocean,
So calm just yesterday,
Is now roiling and gray, dark gray,
Almost ink-black
The waves stretch their tips towards the sky
Screaming “Why?!”
I feel it, they want to devour me.

My heart still kick-starts
when I think of a snowy yesterday.
It was cold, and we shivered,
but we were still warm because of our love.
Soft kisses were concealed by the hoods
of designated ***** sweatshirts,
And the sounds of laughter and love
bounced off the walls of bustling homes.
I saw myself reflected in the shining brown of your eyes,
starshine melting my heart.
And our souls combined
for the millionth time
and I was lost
and you were lost
in you and me.

what to write

when you're tired

and sad,

and words just don't feel

like enough

anymore.

Suddenly
there is too much
noise
And I cannot
think
Every word is a
dagger
Loudly piercing my
ears
It
hurts
and
I
want
to
SCREAM
at the words
and
shatter them
in midair
and
let the pieces rain
down
They'll glitter in the dim
light
and become something
beautiful

I let myself
s
i
n
k,

I contemplate
d
r
o
w
n
i
n
g,

but I know that there is
l i f e
and
l o v e
waiting above,
so back up I swim.

Hello, doctor,
could you take
a
look
inside my mind, please?
I think
there's
something
incorrect,
something
that
does
not belong?
I just can't seem to think
quite
right
anymore.
I cannot
control
my
thoughts
anymore
and my mind
controls
me
more
than it should.
Doctor, please
help me find
the infection
that I
m sure is lodged
somewhere in my head.

What is poetry? Is it music? Is it love? Is it boring? Is it magic?
Poetry, to me, is medicine.
Reading it is like my grandmother rubbing a soothing balm across my wounds. Writing it is like crying: the tears that never leave my eyes leave my pen instead, trailing across the page to bleed in ways that would **** me if the ink were blood from my body.

To find someone
who feels like
your other half

It's like you're
meant to be
in my arms

I get so lost
in your presence,
feeling safe and seen

You are a wonder
that I've searched for
for years untold

Finding you
makes everything
fall into place.

It is your fear
which has saved my life;
That is the purpose of fear, I suppose:
It keeps a person safe
So that they may live another day,
and so that their soul mate
won’t be left alone and hollow
With no one left to fear for.