This is my bargain. Day for night and night for day.
There isn't a time where I hadn't wished that the day would end to make way for night.
Nights offer a bleak sense of comfort. Almost as if they'd grant a temporary cloak which you could huddle under and think or... Overthink in the dark.
You could bargain shamelessly with tears running streams down your face and no one could see. You could negotiate with reality for the slight perchance that things would turn out alright come daylight. You could voice out your barter in hushed tones and still be somewhat assured that no one would know. All of this... In the cover of night.
Then when sleep eludes, you can't help but beg for day to come. For with the light comes the day's responsibilities; all eager and raring to go. Much like runners at the start line, anticipating the shot to be fired at the crack of dawn. Shot fired and they'd come swooping down on you... Sweeping you off your feet and carries you off to where you need to be, doing what you're paid to do for the next 8 to 10 hours.
That is your break from the dark. That is your retreat from all the thinking. That is your escape from... yourself.
And then... 4 hours into the day, you're wishing for night again.
Feels like a ball of uncontrollable energy that spins treacherously in the pit of my stomach.
It is unbound and reaches out forcefully in every axis. It is self-sustaining. And it consumes... All of me...
It's doesn't want to be displaced, or swept under the rug for the umpteenth time. It doesn't want to be cajoled or calmed. It doesn't want to be coaxed into thinking that it does not need to rear its ugly head because I believe I have a handle on things; which I clearly do not.
It knows me too well and will not take it lying down.
It wants acknowledgement and it wants to speak.
It wants to speak in a low guttural voice for the sheer purpose of intimidation. It wants grow in figurative size to assert its validation. It wants to absorb every form of negativity and use it to fuel the fight. It wants to take the faintest pin-***** or papercut to the most painful stab in the heart and use them... Harness them and then... Explode in a hundred-mile radius.
This anger is real... And it has had enough of sitting on the bench. Now it wants a piece of the action...