As I sat down on the concrete steps waiting to be picked up
It started sprinkling rain
Then it stopped
And the sky cleared up somewhat
But I kinda hoped it would rain so I could feel a sense of reveal
So I could see what was really real
I wanted the rain to pour down my face and I wanted to feel like a true disgrace
For a moment I just wanted to dwell in my pain
And yell silently in vain
see I'm always trying to connect the lines
Forget about the dots
But at the moment
I wanted to take the sharpest pair of scissors and disconnect every line I saw
For a moment I wanted to be the queen of hate
Step on the oceans bottom plate
crack open the earth
And destroy all god could create
All that he could ever make
I really wanted to dwell in my hatred hoping that something in me would awaken I wanted to lather myself in the thought
That almost everything I had ever loved had been taken
~Moms a drugy
Thinks it's okay to treat her body like a **** store a sell it
She beat us
Struggled to fed us
No matter how many times she threw my head into a wall
No matter how many times she would make me and my little brother fall
I still loved her
Over it all
I didn't know what else to think
At 5 years of old
I didn't have a mind of my own
When I lived with my father
I learned he wasn't one to holler
He wasn't completely like my mother
Sometimes he would try to drink his pain away
Like it would be there one day and gone next
But he had a hard time figuring out that that's not how life works
He started beating me and god did it hurt
But I always stayed in trouble because I wanted daddy's attention
All I wanted was for him to act like he could listen
But he just drank his beer
Tried to swallow his pain and make it disappear
Every pill my momma took
And every drink my dad had
I swear today it drives me mad
At that moment I didn't want to feel
I just wanted a moment to let the pain of my past wash over me
I had to snap out of it
and ask God to take control of me
I just wanna find out who I'm really supposed to be
so I need moments like these to continue to come by as the, please

They took me from school
They put me in an ambulance
My favorite teacher came with
Next thing I know
I have a hospital wristband on
It has my name printed on it
I have an uncomfortable gown on
Weird socks on with grip on the bottom
Walking the cold hospital halls
Personally escorted
I remember thinking to myself
"I'm officially crazy"
They use their keycard to unlock the doors
I carefully step into a psych ward
It felt so isolated, cold, and sad
They took me to what they called "my room"
Bathroom was locked
Walls were blank
Shelf's were empty
They left my room
It was about 12;00 a.m
There was a bright green clock light in the wall
I turned down the lights
I tried to make my thoughts go to sleep
But it was my soul that was more awake than ever
I just laid there
I asked myself why I was here
Suicide, misery, depression, self-hate
And cuts on my wrist is what came to mind
"Oh" I said to myself with a tear sliding down the side of my face
That's why I'm here

Trust fades for a reason
Not just any reason of course
Some people wonder why it is that I have problem's trusting
They can't seem to see the pain behind my eye's
From seeing so many people just walk out of my life
They can't seem to see how fragile my ears are
From hearing people argue about me or saying things about me that slowly eat away at me
Perhaps they can't see how I try to stand tall
Even though I was beaten so bad sometimes that the skin would pill off the back of my legs and leave purple and blue bruises
Perhaps they don't know why I don't like deep water
Maybe It's because I didn't tell them how my mother tried to drown me when I was about four years of age
They wonder why I have trouble showing how I truly feel
maybe they can't see the wall that I've been building
with only one door
Sometimes people come knocking
I learn to trust them cautiously
Then I kinda just observe them without them without noticing of course
If they do leave
I don't feel any type of way
I expected it
Sooner or later
But if they stay
I start to question there motive