It's like a switch flipped in his brain. I went from his everything to nothing in the matter of hours. Suddenly my safe place and my person just disappeared. No warning, no reason, no response. I am alone again. I am grieving, I am mourning the loss. But it's hard to mourn when you are still lost. No answers. No replies. Not worth the time. Just alone again. trying to build yourself back up into a functional human. But you can't because the ******* brain monster has taken over everything. Got to sleep crying, wake up crying, spend the days in-between crying. Call off of work because you can't keep it together. Because you can't paint on the happy face. Darkness. Alone. Just you your brain and your blankets. hoping that maybe he will come back.

The dark nights are the hard ones.
The waves swallowing you whole.
Lost in the throes of the currents.
Being swept deeper into the undertow.
The darkness getting darker the farther down you go.
Suddenly you're in the midnight zone.
No more glimmers of hope.

I miss the smell.
Pungent yet refreshing.
The smell of hard work and a long day mixed with a hint of cologne.
Delicately blending together into an enticing aroma that swallowed me whole.

I miss the touch.
Firm yet soft, loving.
The way it could make my senses dance. Gliding a hand over the curves of my landscape.
Waves of contentment washing over like a light rain, the prickles of goosebumps dancing over my skin.
His firm grasp like an anchor that Moore's a ship keeping it from drifting away. Tethering me to reality keeping me sane.

I miss the quiet.
3am wrapped up safe and secure in the arms of the one who cared. Listening to his soft breaths even and slow. Feeling them dance on the back of my neck. The warmth enveloping me like that of the hot cocoa you sip on after a long winter's day. Bringing the chill out of my soul.

I miss the loud.
Blasting music as we are propelled down the highway on a journey to nowhere.
The world flying by blurring into nothingness, but the world didn't mater because it was right there holding my knee and smiling

Dating with anxiety
Is always over thinking.
The messages never replied to lead to the thoughts swirling through your head.
Every detail gets scrutinized.
Every moment replayed over and over until you can't think.
The little things that no one looks at become huge and the reason anything went wrong.
You try to be normal and not let it show because if they really know they will run away.
Being crazy isn't easy. The normal ones don't understand.
They don't get what your brain demands.
The need to be reassured and affirmed, to know that they haven't changed their minds.
But how do you say it? How do you let them into your hell? How would somone stick around after they understand the interworkings of the cells that create the mass that is you.
You spend the nights laying awake thinking. Wanting to just let it all spill out like a glass of milk knocked off the table but instead you walk on egg shells and pretend you're not internally freaking out. That you haven't spent all day looking at a message then closing the phone. Only to open it again and begin to reply ....but wait if you reply now you're clingy. But how do you gracefully walk the line between crazy and cute?

The answer.
You don't. You just silently go insane and internalise it all for the sake of saving face. To appear like the person they want. Because if you can be that then everything will be fine.

But what happens when the glass pane shatters when the mirror image you projected crumbles? What happens when the monster you've been shutting down for weeks on end to seem normal starts to seep through the cracks? What then? Will he still be there? Will he be able to handle it?

You go on a date and the conversation leads to "oh I have anxiety" he looks at you and just kinda shruggs. You glaze over the subject and move on. Like I had just said god bless you after a sneeze no second thoughts. No further questions. The cat is out of the bag but does he realize that by cat I mean lion? Huge, ferocious, dominant, lurking in the background ready to strike? No. Because I am a good pretender. I am good at making the facade up to par. What you don't see is the circus dancing around the erupting volcano inside. Every cell vibrating trying not to implode.

They don't see the girl who can't breathe because she is so far down the black hole that swallows her whole lost in the inner workings of her mind. Screaming to be seen and accepted. Begging to be allowed out. Needing to show herself.

But no. That's not allowed. Once it's out there it can't be put away. You cant just say haha just kidding. Because the damage is done. You've either found one who will take the shattered girl or everything you've thought would happen does and you're alone again.

You
Are
So
Beautiful


4
Four words that I cannot comprehend.
They swirl in and out of the cracks in my brain dancing around trying to land on a tangible thought.
But they are lost.
Wondering.
The street lights are out and the darkness has taken over.
The moonlight isn't even glistening tonight. It's solid black.
So they search faster scanning for their place.
But it's not going to be found.
Thoughts plunged deep into oblivion filled with lies that have suddenly become truth because the switch has flipped and she is gone.

Gone
Like the weight that needs to be shed.
She looses herself in the number over and over again. It rises and falls like the heaving breaths she takes when she finishes making her mess.
Sobbing imperfection
"Beauty is pain"
Stop thinking about it you're not hungry again.

Everything hurts. My body hurts, my brain is numb, my soul is crying, and my spirit is broken. I don't know how much longer I can do it.

Never saying the right words.
Never being the one heard.
I lay awake buzzing. My body bounces on the bed. I bang my head.
Slowly I start to stick in a slippery ***** of my mind. Falling so fast farther into time.
Swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe
Slowly fading out as the continual motion of your phone screen moving back and forth makes your eyes glaze over and you take another step deeper into your head.
Am I manic
Am I sad
Am I normal
Why do I get like this
Tears slide down my face as I read a conversation in a way that makes me feel the pain.
My breathing picks up and suddenly I can't get enough
Gasping flailing and needing someone to anchor you down.
But
There is no one around.

Because In your spiral into the dark you hurt their hearts, and now they don't want to be around you.
You are too much to handle you say too many things that shouldn't be said.
But it's only to get them out of my head.
Maybe then I can get out of bed
Where I've been for endless hours doing nothing
Listening to my thought if they are there.
Today I'm just a sad blank stare.