maybe
learning to love ourselves
is trusing ourselves
to not invest in people time or places
that don't make you feel good
that don't align with who you are
or what you want
maybe its learning to open our eyes
our hearts our souls
to not hold on so tightly
to our five year plans
to learn to let go
and to have more fun
on our own
to find more people with time that align with our souls
to take care of ourselves our lives
to be disciplined
but also to be free
to dare to tell ourselves
we are beautiful
even when we don't feel like it
to give ourselves
notes of confidenence
to learn to stick up for ourselves
and to broaden our horizons.

I remember my beautiful friend
with your beautiufl hair
and dimples
your curls
we used to talk about life
about spirituality
i was always jealous of your life
not because I ever wished anything bad on you
but becase it seemed as if from the outside
that you had a loving cool family
that had more money than mine
I felt belonging
that I didn't feel at home
we would meet up randomly
I never realized how littel you actually cared
because I was used to breadcrumbs...
so after you got married
your husband used to stare at me
and it made me feel so uncomftarble
I would stare back
than you wouldn't talk to me
ever again,
it felt like my heart broke so deep inside
its been 6 years
I see on instagram
and I wonder what it would be like,
if we still talked.
Why let a shtty man ruin our friendship of so many years.

I remember
walking drunk
like a robot in the dark
smelling like  a mix of sweat and whiskey
he stuck his hands inside of me
and wouldn't let go
and I cried
and screamed .

But my friend had left
and the world felt so dark
and it smelled like darkness,
its scenes in my mind
that I wish,
that I could erase,
all I could hear in my mind
are his words his smell
his body
a few moments of release
have mired in my mind
so much trauma
what I would give to erase my past
my moments of tortured silence
what's more is I hate the woman
who left me there
I hate her with a pain so deep
it feels like venom in my soul
similar to how my mother used to abuse me as a child
I wish my poetry
wouldn't sound good
when I write
I wish it could show you
how much I longed to slit my wrists
from the time I was a child
form the pain
that felt embedded in my soul
although life is much better now
I still sometimes meet men
who think that my body belongs to them
and each time the slightest touch
or stare or word
I feel so violated
I feel like I'd rather
be dead
than live another day as a woman
my whole life I have never wanted to be one
because of the violence
I have experienced
nevertheless I am working on accepting my body
my gender that I was born with
and working on healing my wounds
of violence that still feel so deep inside of me
I am choosing to treat myself  with so much love
may it out weight
the violence that I have experienced
and that all of the women before me have experienced
maybe instead of saying allow people to transition
we ask them why has the world become such a violent place
towards us women
that we don't wanna be women anymore
I know its a question I have  asked  myself
so often
and I still do

I left so many people in my life
so much sadness
it hurts so much
it feels like my addiction
tries to run me so much
it feels like a daily fight
just to keep it inside of me
It became an addiction of chasing my desire
to be loved to be cared for
that it turned into something
that caused so much destruction and violence in my life
I have been almost 9 months sober
a amount that I never thought I could master
but all the while
it feels like each day is so so hard
its like something that I can't avoid
no matter how much I want to
when a child is never given proper love
and they are sexualized from such a young age
tormented with ****** violence
from her own family
she believes that's her way of feeling loved
I am choosing to teach myself
that I am so much more than my body
that I am worth so much more than ***
I am choosing to say no to hookup culture
in a world
that is so bent
on letting themselves be used by others
I am choosing not to
and it is so hard
when I tell others they look at me with two heads
I think if perhaps
my history hasn't taught me
how violent some men can be
than maybe I wouldn't need to protect myself
so much
and perhaps I wouldn't have this addiction
I have never actually put a pen to paper
about this problem of mine
but I am sure that many who have had a past like mine
carry similar problems
There is no need to feel shame
I just wish the world would change
to be a kinder safer place for women
to live in.

I feel so violated
you told me
well don't judge all men
you spoke to my soul
told me you wanted to be friends
how you don't
"believe"
in "hookup culture"
we go home
you send me a picture of your bare back
riding in the ocean
asked me for advice
and than left me on red,
I am sorry that you were taught
to use women
I am sorry you were taught to sexualize
beautiful women
and to see us as just dolls
my whole life men
like you
made me hate my beauty and my body
but now I am learning to hate your actions
and yet to still believe
that good men exist
and that I will actually meet more of them
but I know that you aren't one of them.

my whole life
everyone tried to annihilate me
my spirit
my goodness
by choosing to laugh at me
to bully me
the girls
my friends in sublte ways
that I couldn't see at the time
the teachers who called me names
who laughed at me,
at what they perceived  to be " stupid questions "
but you couldn't **** my spirit,
for I am still here standing
coming in to my power finally
freer,
my whole life they tried to annihilate
me
my own parents
my own brothers
my cousins
my aunts and uncles
my rabbis
my friends
my exe's
who just used me for my body
without consent
who tried to annihilate my soul from my body
everyone tried
even many of my therapists
who tried to put me away
who tried to drug me
and close off my voice ,
and tried to tell me that I was just crazy
and mentally ill
and messed up
but maybe my voice
and who I am
is so powerful
and that's why they all
tired to make me go away.
But I am still here
and I remember it all.
I am healing
calling  my power back
that has been gone from me
from the time that I was born
and I will not allow myself to be used
or abused
again!

I am here
and you can't annihilate me
anymore.
You can only try to annihilate
the goodness of the world
but it will always prevail
no matter how dark the world
and its people get.

what if
we get to be happy
we get to get what we want
what if we can choose to be ourselves
to live life out loud
yesterday
as I danced on the dance floor
and I saw all of the old men
that I used to like
I didn't feel anything at all
just a joy that i chose myself
over them
that I get to dance
and live my beautiful non religious life
that I chose for myself
that in so many ways
I chose peace over terror
over chaous over drama
I chose myself
over my traumatic past
I chose me
over the men
who hurt me and used me
I chose me
over the girlfriends who used me and abused me
I choose to listen to myself
when I feel the vibes are off
I choose me
over the bad
I choose me always
I choose my inner child's joys
I choose to look weird
and to feel happier
I choose to dance in the streets
from joy
from the beautiful music
swimming through my veins
I am choosing to heal myself
my life and my traumas
I am choosing to believe
in the goodness of the world
of people
even though for so long
I have mostly only seen and noticed
the darkness
the bleakness of life
I feel aged inside as if I have lived thousands of years
of darkness
who is finally waking up to something else
to choosing something new
perhaps for the first time
who is choosing to end cycles of pain
that has been in my bloodlines for so long
I choose for me
I choose to live with more gratitude
I choose to cry
I choose to feel
I choose to breathe
I choose to believe  
I choose to see
how beautiful the journey
can be.
I choose.