all the people i worshipped my whole life
maybe its time to finally  worship myself
to see myself in all of the love that i am
in the  light that I am
in who I am
and to love and live for myself fully
maybe its time.

what if the body
is like a greek statue
curves
show the loves
of life
cinnamon rolles
the lines of veins
show the strength
of all we have lived throughout our life
what if our flaws
are our magical marks
of life
showing how much we have come
how much we have accomplished
and lived through!
what if we are more magical than we have
ever realized.

It first
started
as  a whisper in the night
in the dark
maybe just maybe
theres a way out
of this darkness
a light at the end of the tunnel
maybe just maybe
I can actually heal myself?
maybe just maybe
I can create a life
of my desire
and so with time she chose herself
over and over again
through her pain
through her sorrow
through all of the men who left her beaten
and broken off the side of the road
beaten beyond words beyond comprehension
how much the pain caused her
how much the violation the violence
broke her so deep
like shards of glass
tormenting her
insides ,
of  how the men hurting her
hurt her soul
broke her soul so deeply
that it felt like her heart would bleed
literal blood all of the time,
Through the sorrow
of other women choosing men over her
and throwing her into the arms of violent men
to be tortured by those men
yes I have lived through all of this and worse
and yet I have learned to choose myself
through it all
to stand tall
to not allow them to see you falter
so next time someone tells you
that you don't have choice
I say I beg to differ
humans always have a fking choice!

I have claimed my rightful place in this land
by the strength of my own two feet
and I choose healing
each day of my life
to heal myself for me
for my ancestors
and for all of those who come after me
although the journey is not done
I choose it for me
and for myself.

today i danced
i felt the music
i actually felt so alive
so in love with myself
with my life
feeling so blessed
I get to live here
in this body
in this life
and dance
move my body
move my hips from side to side
not caring who looks
as my belly rings
glimmer in the dark
and I see you look
I feel at peace and I feel free
oh for what is life
to live for
but to make
create art
be art
to dance
to move our bodies in slow motion
to taste the life
with all of its beauty
and to love the music
that the soul gives and receives
with its soul music.
TO FEEL
To
BE
FREE!

If self love was a song it would look like
comforting my inner child
looking at her with love
listening to her cries
feeling her joy pulse out of her
in her beautiful curls from age three and on
it would look like
claiming myself
saying goodbye to toxicity
treating myself as number one
saying goodbye to the energy vampires
narcissits
doing the things that makes my heart leep with joy
it feels like dancing my *** of f
in the kitchen
hugging the trees in the park like no one is watching
petting the cats
allowing my freaky flag to fly
telling my child that she is always always so safe with me
hugging her ,crying with her
validating her feelings
learning to respect my no's
and learning to be my own safe space
it feels like sunshine freckles
beaches
warm water
reading all of the fantasy romance books
and feeling finally happier and freer.

this universe is a hologram
a computer game
program it with what it wants.

maybe mirrors
show us what we want and don't want to see
we heal and it reflects back to us differently.

I feel so much pain inside
knowing that you are married
I literally couldn't see
how horrible you were to me
because you would mask it
with fake kindness
and because as a women
I was more trained to see that coming
from a man than from someone who was a close friend to me
you met me at such a vulnerable hard period of my life
I had just moved to a foreign country
I met you at a shabbat meal
we bonded over food
at first when we met
I was so attracted to you
I thought you were so beautiful to me
because in those moments you were .
We would go out drinking and partying
and although you were the religious one
you would party harder than me
I remember how so many times you would
leave me for dead
when we were around strange men
in the bars
and I would beg you to stay
to not leave me
I was so drunk I could barely move
and you didn't care
you only cared about having fun
and not about me
so because of you I experineced
so much violence.
I remember how I cried in those stairwells
begging him to stop
how I felt robotic
how you left me all the time
while promising to come back
how you would treat me like dirt
leave me on red
and make up some excuses for why
you are a shtty human ...
now honestly ,
You never once said I am sorry
until I begged it out of you,
you would talk to my roommates
who bullied me viciously,
became their friends
and even rented that apartment
in that house after I moved out
I saw that you got married
and although I would like to feel happy for you
all I feel for you is so much hate anger
and so much immense pain
I don't know why it took me so long
to see how much of a horrible person you are
a wolf in sheep's clothing
and soon you will move back here
and if I ever do see you again
I would love to spit in your face
and say Fk You!
No more to letting people walk all over me
and do as they please
I don't wanna care about being liked anymore
I'd rather be myself be safe and be around those
who actually see for who I am
instead of using me
for their own jealous gain.
Many times the ones who are the worst
are the ones closest to you
that you can't even see
now I am learning to trust the subtle red flags that I feel
when I meet someone so I don't meet a person like you again.