I will steal myself from this earth

And take my arms and my heart and my car and just drive for days and days and days and become the stars I gather between my hands in the dead of night,

Gather the sun and the moon and the planets that spin with the rings,

Gulp it all down in a jar of lonely tomato-flavored candy tears,

I am built of the stars I gather 'tween my hands in the dead of night, I am built of regrettable cherry orchard prints on the walls of not a house but a home,

I am built of late night music and unshakable starry skies, I am built of diamonds and gold,

And I will steal myself, and take my arms and my heart and my car, and just drive

7th grade, she told me,
"I don't want to live,"
I can't take it as a joke.
The fear of goodbyes.

8th grade, a friend of a friend,
It could've been him,
The way her face contorted
As she said goodbye.

I lost sleep, just to talk.
Would it be the end,
If I left my broken friends?
I lost sleep, for them.

In 9th grade, he told me,
I made him say it,
"I will see you tomorrow."
I said that nightly.

A promise. It meant hope.
The worst days' nights,
I'd say it again, with love.
It was a promise.

Words are everything here,
One mistake, it's over.
I may not hear his voice again
If I don't sway him.

Pressure, is this love now?
I'm so scared, always.
He came first, after all this.
I had to leave him.

Feeling selfish, alone,
I had to leave him.
Now getting close, major fear,
Terminal goodbyes.

I'll love you, for a while,
I might not get close,
It's overwhelming, dear god,
The fear of goodbyes.

My Momma told me this,
"Be strong for your Dad."
So I stood tall, strong for him.
The day Grandpa died.

I put on my snow pants,
I was just a kid,
And walked out into the cold.
Only then, I cried.

I walked alone, through snow.
I barely minded.
Everything was cold that day.
I thought about him.

Larry was a good man.
He liked photographs,
And  he taught me how to wink.
Grandma loved him much.

I walked quite far that day,
Before coming home.
I wanted to be alone.
I had to be strong.

On the day Grandpa died,
I didn't eat much.
But I stood tall for my dad.
The day his dad died.

Legs crossed,
Riding my bike over the curvature of these roads,
Their patterns I've memorized,
The people in each house,
I remember.

I pass by Blue,
The house where A stole my hat
And made me chase him down the street,
Childhood crushes and games of catscratch,
His father called me "Sweetheart" once.

I'm so tired today, I couldn't sleep last night.

I take a breath,
And pass by Red,
The house where B walked his dog daily,
He was getting very old and acted very young,
Talking to him made me smile.

I nearly fall going around a curve, and my shoelace is ripped in the chain.

I take another breath.
I pass by Yellow,
The house where I visited C for new year's night.
It brings regrets and shame, but I hate to show it,
So I sit up straighter and with pride while in view.

I go around a second curve and go down a hill, picking up speed.
I pass a car, the driver and I exchange waving hellos.

I get home, dripping sweat.
I enter White,
The house where I have the most memories,
But that I did not begin in as a baby,
And that I don't think about remembering as much as the others.

Curled up, half-past-three, my leg around her waist, I felt like crying
and I called it love.
She snapped her fingers and made me pay attention, I felt bruised
and I called it love.
She joked about *** with another woman and I stayed silent,
and I called it love.
I bent over backwards and nearly broke my spine for her and it wasn't enough,
And I called it love.
I never knew that love wasn't supposed to make me afraid,
Love wasn't supposed to make me silent,
Love shouldn't require that every day I be brave,
And bend over backwards 'til I feel pain,

Love is supposed to make me feel brave, not require it.
I deserved to be okay.

Little scar on my arm proves to my eyes,
I have endured, and I am still alive.
3am, I am reminded that I opened holes to my soul,
To prove that I am human,
To prove I am in control,
I am reminded that everything I am is rooted in this, blood.
Dig me a new home in the muck and the sand and make me a new man.
A love poem to my arms, for I am grateful. I hear my brother sing and you feel like home, my skin. I felt alone and I was lonely. But I know I am alive. I know I am alive. I know I am alive.

you are forgiven.

I am built of ashes and bones and guilt-tripped sundaes topped with cherry-loving men,
I am built of fire and stains of tears and blood and cussing standing in a pool of muck I see my feet sink into the floor I cannot move I am not allowed to exist no more.
I am built of dedication and love, I'm growing up, I am made of courage and flattery I am a tangled, troubled mess,
I am built of flowerbeds and boyshort underpants and digital pictures taken as I jump, my hair flying.
I am built of pretty things and sixteen eyes, two spiders curled up in the outskirts of my mind.
I will survive.