Her happiness didn't matter as long as he was happy
That's all she ever wanted

i miss the 3 a.m. blossoms you left across my neck
the dance we created from the movement of our bodies
and the harmonious sensation of our skin

i miss how you made my heart screech the heat of the summer
in the bleak of winter
how you made me forget what language to speak from the
movement of your lips

i miss how the words 'i love you' rung in your voice
in such a way i can visualize it and grab it from the air
engulf myself in its serenity
and say it to you back

i miss the way the sunlight gleamed in your eyes
the way your hands felt
the way your smile invented my happiness

i miss everything about you
but why don't you miss me?

Two words that explain my entire life.
**** up.
My parents were not ready, but they ****** up and here came their first born daughter.
Ever since then there has been some reason I am a **** up.
Whether it's because I say something wrong, I do something wrong, I act wrong.
No matter what it is, I will mess it up.
That is not an opinion,  that is fact.
You can give me a good relationship, and i'll lose it.
Give me a brand new gift, i'll break it.
My **** ups are inevitable.
They never end.

why do i feel like writing is the only proper
means of expression for myself?
why do i have trust issues?
i always need to look at people twice,
and still often because people themselves alter so much in a lifetime there is something new to be observed in them constantly
why does he keep coming back to me after all ive put him through?
the real reason...
why does he make my thoughts jump from admiration, to then love, to then thoughts of matrimony?
its a little odd honestly how i can come up with questions like these in a single moment.
but its what you wanted to hear.
you didnt want my pain and baggage to to be only on me
but on you too.
which is why you kept reading this.
these are thoughts that cross my mind when i feel unworthy of living
or just in a contemplative mood
even this silent violence makes my days quite somber
i cant put into words but yes
i do feel like i want to put the world on pause sometimes
and i know im not the only one that feels this way
so dont look at this poem like a fat kid looking at kale chips
that is why you see me
but sometimes
not there
sometimes quiet is violent