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  Feb 2015 Astrid Ember
Steele
"Is the glass half full?" He asked,
She said "There's no water left,"
"Are you ever nervous going out?"
"Scared half to death."
"I have a six pack of abs."
"Do I look like I care?"
"What does a guy need to have?"
"A smile. A brain. Nice hair."
"How about we go back to my place?"
"How about we no?"
"You look like you'd be a freak in the sheets."
"I think I should go..."
"What's your favourite song?"
"Anything that fills my head."
"Will I see you again?"
"Honestly, I think I'd rather be dead."
Swipe left if not a human being.
Astrid Ember Feb 2015
You can't make homes
out of people.
I know this okay.
I ******* know this.
God do I know this.
But tell me why when I look
at you I don't want
anything more than to
live in your arms.

When they were screaming?
and screaming.
and screaming.
they wouldn't
stop screaming...
I was in your arms.
and your back was
what I grasped
as some stupid
"oh ****" bar, so I could
cling onto reality.

When he fell and broke
the glass,
and there were
shards in my fingers
from picking it up.
From trying to clean
up the mess,
and maybe show that my
family is functional.
But he fell on me, and then
tipped over and bumped
you. knocked a few
pictures down
before finally falling
into the bathroom.
When I asked if he was bleeding
he responded about
his pierced *******
and not the glass in
his hand.

We laughed.
Because, what else
can you do in
a situation
like this as you watch
your ******* brother
deteriorate.

Just last night they had
another fight.
It ended with a butchers
knife to his wrist.
2 seconds away from
plunging it into
his artery.
And...
If I hadn't
of screamed
he'd be dead and i'd
probably be cleaning his
blood up off the floor,
and off the walls,
and rinsing
it out of the sink.

I took out the trash
and I didn't come back.
I ran to the library
because that's where you
said you were.
I ran to the only
place where I was
comfortable.
I ran to a home.

And I know you can't
make homes out of people.
But god ******...
you are inexplicable.

I forgot the mutter
of my brother saying "ow"
as his first attempt of
cutting his wrist went
awry, because it
kept echoing in my head.
I just heard your laughter
and felt your hand
on my thigh.
I forgot the tears running
down my face,
and me screaming
"what the ****" and the clatter
of the knife.
I forgot it all
and just felt you.

Any argument
ends with "wanna
**** about it?"
Every panic attack ends
with me in your arms
some how, and you're like
a smell of cats, smoke,
and home.
and I know you can't
make homes out of people.
I've long since learned
my lesson.
But maybe you're a building.
A library,
or a dark musty club
that's always warm.
With the smell of ****.
Maybe you're an open loft.

You can't make homes
out of people.
But whatever it is.
I own you.
I'm not really sure how I feel about this one. It was just mainly a rant I guess.
  Feb 2015 Astrid Ember
Mari
I get the feeling something is missing
a hole in my memory
a tear in my belly
an ache in my heart
I can’t seem to put my finger on it
no clue as to what caused it
this hollow feeling tears through my body
it eats at my insides
my mind starts to pound
searching for answers seeking out every dark secret
hoping to find the source of this emptiness,
this thing,
this cold tendril of fire whips through me reopening deep wounds
only bits and pieces are coming back
flashes of fire and tears
relief and anger
rain and laughter
but it’s not the same
things are changed but I don’t know what
and it’s not in the right order
I delve deeper into the dark fire that is my memories
only to find a burning blackness swirling just beneath the skin
slivers of twirling silver memories threading itself through the inky black fog
nothing is in the right order but I write it down anyway
hoping the rest will come back
but it’s only bits and pieces
and I’m tearing my hair out
wracking my brain
I’m going to go insane
and these bits and pieces are not enough
Just trying to put into words how I feel when I can't remember something. I realize that bit about reopening deep wounds is a tad off but oh well.
  Feb 2015 Astrid Ember
Mari
These days it feels like the walls are
closing in on me
I can feel myself slipping away
becoming oblivious to my cage
only seeing the sun
so desperate to be free
I keep running into the bars
frantically trying to reach the sun
  Feb 2015 Astrid Ember
Mari
Tell me how it feels
to have your heart pierced by an arrow
not by one of Cupid's
but by betrayal

Tell me how it feels
when the poison leaked into your heart
when your heart turned black
how it withered away

Tell me how it feels
when the ashes were blown away
what stands in it's place
how do you live with the emptiness

Tell me how it feels
to know you can't piece it back together
how the cold spread through your limbs
the way your blood burned

Tell me how it feels
to give up
to hate the sun and all it's warmth
living under your rock

Tell me how it feels
when you felt the poison in your veins
and your heart disappeared
when the tears fell silently

Tell me how it feels
to know you will never live again
never love the light
to surrender all that you once were

So tell me how do you live like this
with this
surrounded by this
Infected by this poisonous arrow of betrayal
I have no clue as to what inspired this, it just kinda flew out of me.
  Feb 2015 Astrid Ember
Mari
I feel repressed
unable to be true to myself
locked away from the me that longs to be free
I'm afraid to show you what I can do
afraid you'll only huff and turn away
I'm frightened to voice my true thoughts
knowing all you'll do is hate me
I lock myself away
so as not to see the disdain in your eyes
I no longer recognize myself
the stranger in the mirror can't relate
she doesn't understand
she's confused as to why she can't come out
there's nothing left of her in me
she was the girl who knew herself like the river knew how to flow
the girl who loved to ask questions
who sought the answers despite what she was told
the girl who never shed a tear a day in her life
is now replaced with the girl who smiles to mask the tears
laughs to hide the pain
she no longer asks questions
no longer seeking answers
she simply nods and accepts the answers she is given
loving freely to disguise her broken heart
and now because of you she no longer lives
you killed her
she's gone and all thats left is a shell
a ghost and a hollow laugh
This just kinda happened.
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