When he shows up at my door at 1:30 am, I do not hesitate
Instead invite him in with tired arms,
Make a conscious decision to sacrifice a night of sleep
to lie in the body of a boy on my too small twin sized bed
It was not made to hold another but
this heart was

His smile is summer in the marina and feels too much like the sunsets of
red and
purple and
pink

I want to bury myself in the sand next to him beneath
A sun too harsh for our pale skin to meet, one that
will leave us burnt and peeling and laughing at our human turned starfish bodies
I want to be surprised by the freezing that comes from
running into the ocean bare and unbound but
for now all we have are the sheets we are in
so we sink further into the memory foam

Too delicate and slow for my eagerness to grab onto,
He mentions the softness of my lips as they trace his
I laugh and say
“I try”
What I really mean is
“I hope I am enough for you”
His limbs stretch across the length of the mattress, mine fold to fit his
Our cohesion in this lack of space is a packed box and
I don’t mind the suffocation

I think to myself that
this intimacy right here
is exactly what I need,
to be touched like I am important even if it is just for a moment

I decide that this hour of holding before
his eyelids fall together for the remainder of the night
is worth the 10 hours I will spend not sleeping
His breath, heavy with exhaustion, overpowers the sound of my starving heart
beating for the music of his and
that’s completely fine

I am running out of ways to
tell him he is exactly
what I want

So I let him stay as an unspoken declaration of always welcome
I let him make my bed a home with the hopes that
in turn he will make one out of me

Dear daughter,
I love you
Let me start with that.
I am proud of the person you are and I promise I will always be here for you.

I want to remind you of some things that I've needed to be reminded of over the years.
1. You are beautiful in more ways than one. You have beautiful eyes that shine when you talk about something you love. Your smile is beautiful, the way it automatically brings light to the room. You are beautiful for the scar you will inevitably have on your knee (you're my daughter after all) because it shows you have fallen down but were strong enough to get back up. You are beautiful for your thoughts and ambitions: for your hopes and dreams.
2. Never ever compromise your intelligence. There is nothing wrong with liking to read or being good at biology. And if someone can't accept you for your knowledge, they do not deserve to know you.
3. You are not defined by test scores. Tests don't measure things that are really important. They can't see your compassion or kindness or courage. You are so much more than a number or an acceptance letter. Never forget that.
4. Never base your self worth on a number on a scale. "Fat" is not the worst thing a person can be. "Fat" is not worse than vain or cruel or arrogant. I would much rather you define yourself as intelligent and clever and brave and a thousand other things before your physical appearance comes to mind.
5. Read Harry Potter.
6. You will never have to do anything to make me happy. Now, I'll probably make you play basketball when you're little, but if you hate it, you can quit. You don't need to play sports or be good at music for me to love you.
7. I know how crippling it feels to be left behind and if someone doesn't fight to be close with you, they do not deserve you. Trust me, I know it hurts. I'm sitting here writing this to you as an 18 year-old freshman in college who feels as though the world is going to fall apart. As challenging as a time may be, I whole-heartedly believe that things will work out for the best in the end. Never lose hope.
8. There is no secret that you need to keep from me. I will always be proud to call you my daughter.
9. There will be times when it feels as though the world will come crashing down beside you. Trust me it does get better and in those nights when you can't fall asleep because you are so worried about how things may turn out, I will hold you and wipe your tears.
10. Someday, you will find someone who makes your heart skip a beat and tells you they love you more than anything else in the whole world. They will never be able to love you as much as I do.

I love you so much. There is nothing you can do to make me love you any less.

Love,

Mommy

I'm the morning whisper that punches you in the gut
the winning lottery ticket that you didn't buy
an inconvenience with impeccable timing
the drinks you spill on nameless lovers
i'm the giggle when a dog sniffs your hand
i'm a naked water fight in January for no reason
i'm cold pillows shaped like a former lover
your favorite t-shirt when it's lost
and found
the drip drip in the sink when you wanna sleep
the creepy crawlers you can't shake
the colorful wrapper with nothing inside
a no vacancy sign at the end of the road
your vulnerability when you're most tender
i'll call you names when you're not looking
look at you funny when you're not listening
i'm the sense that doesn't make,
the only sense there is
i'm your senses when you want to shut me out
the wrong L-word at just the right time
i'm your second chance when you need a third
the maybe, when you really wanted a yes
i'm what feels your pain
the broken promise that brings you more-
pain
what turns the tide when you're not looking
i'm a moonlit midnight swim
i'm sometimes ****-naked
your favorite shade of lipstick
i am your guardian angel
the absence you hold
i'm the scenic route after a bump in the road
the sunset drive that saves your soul
i'm the texture of wet sand between your toes
the burn in every tear you've cried
i'm the vintage dresser you found on a rainy day
the song you hate, stuck on repeat
i count the palm trees when you're not looking
i forget lovers lost and found
i am the one who messes up your hair,
just to dry your tears
i am the vault of all your deepest darkest secrets
always inconvenient and never around
i'm laughter when you least expect it
the 4 am call you don't wanna take
i'm the mirror that sells you lies
the denim shorts that makes your **** look really cute
i'm the cherry (on your wedding dress)
a joyride and a swing-set all in one
i'm what turns you on
what turns you away
i'm your throne
your downfall
your ecstatic,
uplifting
wonderful
life.

Do what you have to.
An unfinished poem
still means something
to me.




I want to be left alone.

I have no more words.

My apartment still smells like cigarettes from Saturday
when a couple girls with crop-top ambitions
drank themselves through flip cups and through guys’ eyes
who purposely landed on their belly-buttons.
I might have stood on the couch to sing that song,
but I’ve fallen for you all wrong. After another remix,
everyone left and we played footsies while leaning
in the doorway of my bathroom, the wood trim chipping
but your smile brightening in the yellow overhead light.
And I promised I wouldn’t find myself
come Monday morning sitting here with my knees knocking,
and knocking, and knocking themselves back into my brain
that keeps reminding my heart that we expired last season,
and that it’s just too **** late.
I promised myself I wouldn’t wipe my tears on my sweatshirt sleeves,
or run my toes on the tile, or breathe in another toxic pack
of what I essentially believe is you. You are the *** I pour myself into.
You are the chance I keep giving myself seconds of.

I know I shouldn’t have separated myself that quickly, or without notice,
but honestly I didn’t know how to attach myself to someone
unless it was delicate and barb-wired together. I’m sorry I ******* it up,
back then, before the mess, wherever you’d like to pinpoint
the blame on our timeline
but you are the only chance I keep giving myself seconds of.
So I’ll distance myself between my body and this frame,
cut out text-message screen shots and paste them to my frown
so maybe I can remember what it was like to smile
without ******* cigarette smoke between my teeth.

I am a man
My full name is A Humble Man of Allah
I am in want of permanent home address
I was innocent
I want to remain innocent
O’ Almighty Allah!
Be with me
If You can……..

i pressed the moon to my breast
and took light to heart

now i see clearly when i fall apart
     and pull myself back together
with nebulous lassos

I want you to smile.
I see you trying; you know how
Frowning turns me off.

But you'll always slip back
Into old neuron habits,
Won't you?

You'll say this is who I am, and
You know where I come
From.

Yes, I know where you come from.
So let it go.
Every time you thought things were

Getting better, they were.
Every time you felt the world let you
Down again, it didn't.

You just
Fell
Back.

Start smiling more.
Grow from
There.

Things
Smile
Back.