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2.0k · Dec 2017
Depression Meet Anxiety
Alexandra Meelan Dec 2017
I want to be left alone
                                                           ­     I don't want to feel alone
I want someone to hug me.
                                                             ­   I hate being touched.
I want to tell someone.
                                                        ­        People scare me.
I want to speak.
                                                          ­      I can't open up.
I want comfort.
                                                        ­        I push people away.
"I'll be fine."
                                                          ­      "No you won't."
"But I will."
                                                          ­      "What if something happens?"
"No, it'll be okay."
                                                          ­      "But now you're doubting yourself."
                                                ­                "Oh come on. I'm a friend."
"You cause so many problems for us."
                                                            ­    "There's nothing you can do now."
"Don't do this."
                                                          ­      "It's too late, I've won."
983 · Feb 2019
I was crying
Alexandra Meelan Feb 2019
I was crying
because it hurt
I was crying
because it hurt my feelings
I was crying
because I have feelings
I was crying
because no one cared
I was crying
because no one would help

I stopped crying
because it hurt less
I stopped crying
because I caused myself pain
I stopped crying
because I gave myself
something different to cry about
I stopped crying
because I was strong enough
to handle a different pain
I stopped crying
because I hurt myself.
757 · Dec 2017
The Deepest Scar
Alexandra Meelan Dec 2017
Why do i feel so alone?
Why does it feel like nobody cares?
They say they do, but they don't act like it.
They don't show it.
I want to feel loved.
I want to be important to someone.
I want to be able to love someone
without getting hurt.
Not physically hurt.
Much worse.
I have more scars than there are to be seen.
Not all of them are visible
Not all of them are touchable.
Not all of them can be healed.
But each of them are on the inside.
Each one is different than the next.
Some deeper than others.
Each one tears me up inside.
I cry for relief.
I cry for the pain to go away.
I cry to be loved,
I cry alone.
No one can hear me.
I cry inside.
I cry by myself,
to myself,
No one sees it,
I hide it well.
My smile is not real.
It's my camouflage.
They see me as fine.
That's how I want it to be.
But in truth:
im not
I never was.
Never will I be
No one can help me.
I'm too far gone.
There's no fixing this.
There's no fixing me.
Not now.
Not ever.
They broke me.
Not my heart.
Not my brain.
All that I am.
All that I was.
I'm gone.
I'm not me anymore.
I'm what's left of what I was.
My heart,
my mind,
my body.
Nothing is the same.
I've changed.
I can see that I have.
They can't.
No one can.
I hide it.
I hide it with my emotions,
my mentality,
My feelings,
all gone.
I'm empty.
There's nothing left of me now.
No hope,
No love,
No pain.
369 · Dec 2017
I'm Not Insane, I Promise
Alexandra Meelan Dec 2017
I'm not insane, am I?

I just fantasize people's deaths

So I could believe they didn't

exist anymore.

So I wouldn't have to see

the ones who hurt me.

The ones who tormented me so much.

I'm not insane, am I?

I just like the way blood tastes.

When it rolls down my arm.

When i can feel the warm,

crimson liquid,

pouring out.

It tastes sweet.

I'm not insane, am I?

My mom says I can't have

sharp things.

Is it because I like to cut

the people who hurt me?

Because I want to make them feel

my pain?

I'm still not insane, right?

If you hurt me,

you'd expect me to cry,

to hurt.

But instead,

I laugh,


Producing the scariest sound

you've ever heard.

Nope, not insane.

I shake.

I scream.

I cry.

I laugh.

I lose myself.

Still not insane.

I'm lost.

I'm confused.

I'm frustrated.

I'm stressed.

I'm happy.

I'm lonely.

I'm young.

I'm insane.
365 · Aug 2018
Alexandra Meelan Aug 2018
Back in this prison,
but not.

Not sure what to think,
but not.

Well aware of my surroundings,
but not.

Wanting to leave.
but not.

These people perplex me.
but not.

I don't know how to feel,
but not.
254 · Dec 2017
Get Out of My Head
Alexandra Meelan Dec 2017
I can't stop thinking about you,

And how you hurt me.

How I stayed with you,

Even when you did.

How long i waited for you to change,

How much i changed to keep you.

How much you used to mean to me.

I cant get you out of my head

I lay awake at night,

Wishing for it to end,

Waiting for my thoughts to escape me,

Wanting things to be different.

Trying to stay strong for you,

Hoping something will change.

Wasting time trying to be perfect.

I can't get you out of my head.

You said you loved me, but never showed it

You said you needed me, but never called me.

You said you wanted me, but did you really?

I left for a good reason,

A great one.

I hate everything to do with you.

But why does a small part of me,

Still care?

I can't get you out of my head

Get out of my thoughts,

Get out of my mind,

Get out of my dreams,

Get out of my nightmares,

Get out of my heart,

Get out of my life,

Get out of my head.
180 · May 2018
I am Life
Alexandra Meelan May 2018
Both compose
WIth me,
They are,
I am
Yet to some,
I am nothing
One day,
I was given
To a small child.
The child was
Loved me.
Couldn't give me up
For anything
At first.
But I crashed down
Upon wave
The child began to
Hate me.
I'm just doing
What I was made for
Good times,
Both equal,
But the child,
Didn't want me
It hurt for me
To leave.
It hurt the
I didn't want to go
The child made me.
I was nothing but
I am not a good thing
I am not balanced
More bad,
Than good?
I suppose.
But that's just how
I am.
Aren't I?
179 · Dec 2017
I'll Be Fine
Alexandra Meelan Dec 2017
I couldn't tell anyone.

No one would believe me.

No one would understand.

Who could I trust?

Who could I turn to?

My hands shake.

My fingers twitch.

I stutter.

I can't make full sentences.

I avoid eye contact.

I hide in the corner.

Wanting to speak.

Wanting to tell someone,


But I can't.

Please listen.

Please try to understand.

I didn't ask for it.

And i didn't want it to happen.

But he did.

He wanted it oh so bad.

And he got what he wanted.

My innocence,

My happiness,

My virginity.

You don't believe me either do you?

This is why I don't open up.

No one believes anything,

anything I have to say.

I just wanted help.

I just wanted to be okay.

After trying to find a way out,

I was lost.

No friends.

No one to turn to.

They didn't believe me.

They got me sent away.

I've changed since then.

I'm worse now.





I want you to know I'm fine.

I'll be fine.

You don't need to worry.

I'll be fine.
169 · Jan 2018
Would You Care?
Alexandra Meelan Jan 2018
If I were to leave, would you go with me?

If I were to disappear, would you look for me?

If I were to die, would you care?

If I couldn't breathe, would you be my lungs?

If I couldn't see, would you be my eyes?

If I couldn't hear, would you be my ears?

If I couldn't talk, would you be my voice?

If I couldn't live, would you teach me?

Can you show me?

How to be brave?

How to love?

Without getting hurt?

Without being broken?

Can you teach me to be stronger than i am?

Stronger than i was?

Stronger now?

Stronger forever?

Stronger with you?

Be with me.

You chose me.

Don't lose me now.

As my breath fades,

Catch me.

Save me.

Would you even care?
158 · May 2018
Sparkling Eyes
Alexandra Meelan May 2018
Do not cry for me.
Don't you dare shed a tear.
I will be okay, as I am free.
Being lonely is no longer my fear.

I wish you wouldn't weep,
or drown yourself in sorrow.
Lost emotions, hidden, deep.
It will all be okay tomorrow.

Wipe your face,
Put on your disguise.
Though tearing up with gentle grace,
I still find beautiful sparkling eyes.
158 · Feb 2018
Alexandra Meelan Feb 2018
The words.
They seem to fall out of me.
Like an endless waterfall.
Yet pleasant.
And well aware.
It´s frustrating.
I dont know
How I feel,
How I want to feel
Words cannot express my pain,
My sorrow.
The crimson waves stain me,
and hide me.
Leave me,
Where have I gone?
150 · May 2018
Alexandra Meelan May 2018
The sun breaks the night,
and the moon breaks the day.
Yet, both live in harmony
150 · Oct 2018
Alexandra Meelan Oct 2018
So why do parents,
and adults
get to demean
and belittle
kids or teens
and call it
But when a child
steps up
to defend themselves
they consider it
They just expect us
to give them respect.
Just hand it over to them
like they're a god or something.
I believe in
respect earned.
You cannot just throw me
in a classroom
or an office
and expect me
to automatically praise you.
think of it as a
form of reciprocation.
Give what you shall
receive in return.
138 · May 2018
The Dawn
Alexandra Meelan May 2018
I stayed up,
all night,
for the sun,
to come up.
it dawned on me
137 · May 2018
The Monsters
Alexandra Meelan May 2018
I'll stop the whole world,
from turning into a monster,
right in front of me.
135 · Dec 2017
Alexandra Meelan Dec 2017
I scream, yet no one hears.

I cry, yet no one sees.

I call for help, yet no one cares.

No one hears,

No one sees,

No one cares,

because its inside.

They don't know.

They don't need to know.

Inside i keep it.

Inside it stays.

Inside i hide it.

Inside is my friend.

My demon.

My sorrow.

My secret.

Inside it hides.


To pounce upon me.

Tearing me apart.

With its claws.

With it's eyes.

I bleed,

I cry,


I die
128 · May 2018
Alexandra Meelan May 2018
Forgiveness is like a pimple,
Nowhere near as cute as a dimple.
It will hurt when you pop it.
Yet the emotions stop it.
But you fixed the problem; simple.
125 · May 2018
Alexandra Meelan May 2018
Tim Burton
Make it
Look Cute
123 · May 2018
Alexandra Meelan May 2018
My favorite thing,
more than anything
is being outside.
Not around people,
or buildings
being able to enjoy nature.
Listen to a slow running river,
Watch trees blow gently in the wind,
Feel the soft damp grass,
Taste the cool morning air,
Smell the pine around me.
Its satisfying,
It is here,
that I find myself.
For once,
I can feel as if I home.
Among the trees,
the bushes,
the flowers,
that´s the Nature of things though,
isn't it?
115 · Oct 2018
Alexandra Meelan Oct 2018
*****, doesn't it?
To not be able to focus on anything?
Remember to do things?
Entertain yourself, while
Still trying to get everything under control?
So begins an endless cycle of
Emotions that cannot be contained.
Doesn't it just ****?
111 · Feb 2018
Alexandra Meelan Feb 2018
Hiding away,
a change.
The vines
Entangle me,
my being.
I´m suffocating.
I can´t breathe
I´m lost,
in the dark,
in the trees,
in my sorrow.
Yet you see
my pleasant
little smile,
telling you,
I´m okay.
106 · Apr 2018
If I, Would it?
Alexandra Meelan Apr 2018
If I breathe a word,
or even a thought,
It would crack my bones,
cause unimaginable pain,
If I whispered my mind,
or perhaps my emotions,
It would set me off
scare them away
If I chose to be silent,
or just say I'm fine,
It would cause alarm,
make someone wonder,
If I want to speak,
just to have someone listen,
it wouldn't do much,
but cause more pain.
105 · Apr 2018
Alexandra Meelan Apr 2018

they can mean
and can mean
they can

99 · Jan 2018
My Dreams
Alexandra Meelan Jan 2018
In the dark of the night,
when my soul becomes real,
Dancing in broken visions,
that only the dark can heal.
And my dreams,
wait here,
forever inside.

To feel your heart,
to touch your skin
slowly breathing
from within.
And my dreams,
wait here,
forever inside.

It´s cold here now
and I suffer alone.
My throat, it burns,
I´m left to wonder how.
And my dreams,
wait here,
forever inside.

I can´t speak
I can´t think.
All these feelings,
make me weak.
And my dreams,
wait here,
forever inside.

What is left?
A drop of sorrow?
A tingle of happiness?
Or just a dream?
My dreams,
wait here,
forever inside.
This was mostly out of bored while listening to music that made me feel things.

— The End —