You are a type of poison
I wouldn't mind drinking.
It would burn my fragile throat
but I don't think anything
has struck me as hard
as what I feel for you.

I wish someone had told me
he was just a silly child
an empty vessel of a man
a selfish psychopath
a boy blinded by love
who lusted for control
who craved every bloodied part of me

I wish I could tell him
that the thought of his touch
makes me feel ill
makes me feel *****
makes me feel naked

I wish he had loved me properly
from the beginning
the way a man should
with tender kisses and
even softer words

I wish I had left him
10 days in
3 weeks in
when he said "I love you"
when he hung up the phone
when I hung up the phone
when I forgot how to laugh
when I had my first anxiety attack
or the second one
or the third

*I wish I didn't love him