an airplane and bird cross paths
the worry and anxious feeling in my stomach grew as the airplane slowly got smaller and disappeared into the grey clouds and how the bird kept flying,
just flying in the other direction.
there was something in me,
something in this moment that felt like this scene broke a string in my life.

walking home,
there was no wind,
there was no one outside.
no sign of moving cars or walking dogs on leashes.
i stood there abruptly,
wondering if this is how it would feel to leave and truly be alone.
in this moment,
time stopped for me and it was the most terrifying thing i've yet to experience.

You look in the mirror;
You try
and try
and try
to get yourself to like what you see
but your damaged mind
only lets you see the worst of it all
Too fat
Too ugly
Disgusting
Too depressed
Not good enough
Not good enough
Not good enough!
It screams and shouts
Make it stop!
Make it stop!
MAKE IT STOP!!!!

His "I love you" came swiftly.
Like the monsoon pouring down on a leaky roof
Those three words broke through my defences.
At first they were an ambrosia;
They sustained my life and our relationship.
At least for a short time.

Then "I love you" became an excuse;
For absences, and purpose-filled accidents.
And I ignored the warning signs, the flashing lights.
I pretended like "I love you" was enough...

...But it wasn't.
His "I love you"s were like band-aids on bullet wounds;
Like using play dough to fix cracks in concrete walls.
But I rationed our good memories,
I held on as tight as I could to our love
And watched as it slipped through my fingers.

His "I love you"s became poison,
That seeped deep into my bones,
And turned blue skies grey,
And turned light into darkness,
And slowly killed whatever semblance of love
I fooled myself into thinking we had left.

i felt it more tonight than the past few nights.
it was raining today,
looking outside the bus window,
it felt like you were still here.
for a while,
i convince myself you're still here with me,
with us.
i close my eyes and i can hear your voice again.
closing my eyes,
i can see yours,
they hold galaxies and universes inside them.
i try to swallow the lump in my throat,
closing my eyes tighter,
you're not here.
i'll see you again when it's my time but it feels so far away.
i want to hold you again,
i want you to tell me i did well like you always would.

i couldn't see myself standing on the edge anymore.
i lectured myself before thinking those kinds of thoughts again.
that's not who i am,
and even if it's how i am sometimes,
the happy me is the Real me.
i closed my eyes in your embrace,
this was enough to keep me grounded.
i don't see myself on the edge anymore.