I've chewed my fingernails
I've watched every series
I've thrown out every hope of going back to school
I've chewed my fingernails
I've tried baking
I've tried walking
I've tried watching movies I only get half way through
I've tried not thinking about how many days we have left
I've chewed my fingernails
I've tried sleep but I sleep to much and thats not healthy
I've tried it feels like everything
I've chewed my fingernails until they bled and are ugly
I've tried accepting this whole thing but I feel stuck

I want you to like me
I don't know if it's me of if it's that I want to be dating your daughter
I want to be perfect
To never stumble
but I will
I want them to know
I want the best for her too
I want her to smile
And if that means I'm not there
I get it
But I'm not bad I got better
I'm not the same person I was
I've changed
If I could only show you
I'm different

I'm mentally sick
not physically ill
when you have the flu you get to stay home
but when your mental health is
shaking
cutting
crying
it is seen as weak
or broken
so what I want to tell people is
I'm sick
I don't feel well
and they start to morph together
mentally and physically ill

I feel at peace
I feel warm
even in snow
or rain
nature is little bits of bliss
and peaceful noise
like rain on a lake
wind in trees
this is the first time in a while
that I have felt peace

i have a project and it needs to be done
but instead i'm depressed and anxious
and instead I shake
and i scare myself i shake so violently
because of noises
and feeling
and senses
i just get a sensory over load

I feel lost
and I don't know what to do
or where to go
how to feel

I hide my scars from the world
because its embarrassing
for the world to see the dark parts
the times it got so bad that I started to slash
and attack myself
because it made me feel
something
I'm not proud of it
but it was a coping mechanism for me
and sometimes I relapse
and I do it again
and feel the guilt
but I feel
sometimes
these scars
make it hard for me to
interact with people
do therapy honestly
swim
show skin
feel love from others
and feel love from myself
but they show my journey
but my journey scares people
I just have cuts and slashes
and they will stay with me
It feels like I'm in a forever relapse

I wish you were here
so I could hold you close
I wish I could hug you when my soul is crying out for someone
and that I could be there for you if you are to ever need me
I wish that soon one of us could get a car so we could have a magical day
and many more that follow
I wish I could see you and your smile each and every morning
and that I could wake up and see you next to me through the change of the seasons
I wish that in the mornings I could greet you with the cup of the perfect temperature tea or coffee
and the occasional breakfast in bed
I wish that every night after collage we could make dinner together
and talk about how are days are and what funny thing the birds did
I wish that we could travel the world together
and make beautiful adventures together
I wish that one day I could call you mine
even though commitment can sometimes be scary
it would be scary up in till the point where my brain would realize that it would be with you and how happy that would make me  
but for right now we are on earth together
as love hungry teens
fighting to stay alive and do school  
and be the perfect person
hoping that one day our wishes would come true

I shake and people worry
I pretend I'm normal and okay
but inside I'm dead  
and while I have my normal mask on
they treat me like I am a person
not some depressed, psychopath
when I am normal to them
they hug me and this feels like ants
they touch my shoulder i shutter
it all fuels my anxiety
my leg begins to shake
my mind begins to race
I hear every noise in the crowed
it fuels it from
the sniffle to
the bobby pin that fell out of her hair
the world is so loud  
the words in the world come to me so negatively
maybes gives me no hope  
when people tell me I'm alright
**** when I tell myself I'm okay and I'm not
laughter makes me want to give up  on every thing
its the one thing I would give the world to do again
is real laughter
a smile that is not fake
because I know that I'm broken
when people think I'm normal it scares me
and i don't know how normal people do it

I know I shouldn't but I do
People don't want me to but I do
It hurts me
It hurts them to
I feel pointless and bad
I relapse and relapse and ******* relapse
They tell me self care
I do
It doesn't help
Nothing dose
They talk and consider
About what to do with the ****** up girl crying in the corner
They yell at me
Scream at me
To feel happy
To get better
But it feels like I won't ever
Ever get well

how do you tell the ones you love
that you don't want to exist any more
but you don't want to die
like you would be okay with just poofing out of existence
but you will not try to end your own life
you start to give up
because the absence of feeling
is to much
I use to cry for hours
now it comes in waves
i'll cry for two minutes
and lack all emotions for hours
and then night falls
I can't sleep
but I feel anxious
so anxious
I start to shake
and panic
every night
same time
my nightly panic attack
and I'm sick of it I want emotions back

I miss this one human
they know who they are
they mean the world to me
they have a beautiful smile
amazing hair
and personality that any one would be blessed to have
this person is kind
understanding
and makes me feel safe
some times the world makes us work for or love  
thank you for working with me against the world
and letting me continue to love you

people don't understand what I mean when I say i'm depressed
to you it means i'm broken and contagious, messed up to a point of no return  
to me i'm working through a hard time in my life but i'm getting better

I shake and I quiver and don't know why
I am oppressed and messed up broken
from the inside
they told me I'm fine and that it gets better
it always doses
it has to
we have to accept those things that make us different
the things that set us apart
the things that brake us
I shake and I quiver and do know why
its because I'm different
and that's okay
I will shake and I will quiver
and it sometimes it makes me cry

I sit in the rain
just letting it pour down your face
distinguishing between the tears and the rain would be impossible
except for my mascara that runs down my face like a river
the tears turns black and streams down my face
crying about everything and anything
I feel like I've fallen apart
drowning in the rain
drowning
but with every breath I give to the world
one is taken from me
but I wipe my face
I stand up
and I go back inside
back to my life

hi
yes you
as you see i am not right but I am strong
with every bone in my body broken out of fear and hate and panic.
it makes me stronger
slowly
maybe if you cared or sat down to know how I feel you would start to under stand the pain and fear and panic I live in on a day to day bases
it's hard to understand for a neurological typical
which I am not
we all have our struggles but I'll struggle more
it will take you a bat of your eyelashes coated in mascara to go to collage.
I will have to fight to work meany hours
sleep deprived, belated, tainted to your eyes
nothing more than a sleepless blurb that you will step over and scowl at to try to make fun of
my family
my life
hard work
school
me just living
all wile I carry my beautiful baby sister and guide her through the ways of the world and show her how messed up your creeds are but how beautiful it all could be
that I and all the rest of us have to fight for our education  
a good job
our family's and friends
the ones we love
our children
this world is a real ****** up place where demons and angels live hand in hand
but some how the demons control the world while most of the angels sit in silence with frowns on there face scared if they stand up our word will become desisted
a war zone but
I get stronger and we all do
so please be smart
and
kind
polite
ask question instead of judge
and remember everyone faces there own battles and you may not know the extent just ask how can I help

one day people will understand that a smile dos'not define happiness
one day people will know that asking questions is rude to do
one day people will stop starring and whispering
one day it will be okay for every one to be themselves