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louella Apr 2022
park benches and arm stretches
hugs that feel like roses blooming
like footsies fooling
diehard chasers and fearless makers
high heels carving holes in the concrete floor
how is that possible?
holding hands on carved bridges made from men so long ago
touching each other’s shadows
behind telephone poles
dreaming mid-yawn
spinning in silk and satin spindled suits and dresses
red streaked eyes and tempered smiles and luxurious bodices
dancing on picnic looking tabletops
laughing our butts off
swinging from low hanging chandeliers
drinking from low budget wine glasses with koolaid since we’re minors
laying on each other’s chests and stroking each other’s hair fervently
trying to ***** dance in the sparkle of the sunlight
catching each other as we fall into trusting positions
pretending to be spies on top secret missions
grabbing my waist and falling onto the sparkly clean floor
becoming so mad yet never unsure
captivated by your lips and the way your skin twinkles a million different shades
and the way your voice calls my name in a billion languages,
some completely made up even
meticulously planning the way our shoes will leave marks in the dusty spots of the castle
sweating and eating brunch for dinner and not eating filet as an entree but as an appetizer
falling into your strong arms and losing control of what we are
seeing stars in the retinas of your eyes and mysteriously feeling dead-alive
like never before
nobody would have ever seen the manner in which you bat your eyelashes at me
and how the soft murmur of the breeze echoes across the coarse part of your cheek
and calls for me
safe and compact into a life that’s so magically intact
loving would never have been so tranquil if we had planned every single sought after moment
candidly slow dancing in the velvet summers day
being odd and obscure and strange in several colors and in multiple ways
touching the surface of your ocean wave body
sloshing so wonderfully
the rhythmic sound and all your capabilities
the rampant sweat clinging to your face, your throat,
looking at me
clowning around, tackling each other while grinning wildly
pillow fighting so hard the feathers exit and get caught on our wet tongues and shivering bodies,
and we collapse and watch hours and hours of tv while we sing karaoke from the 80s and pretend to be heartbroken like in the mvs
sitting on established thrones without the grueling jobs and committed work
losing sleep cause we stay up all night playing monopoly, but mostly it’s just you making fun of me cause i don’t participate i just grab my knees and admire the way you pick up the cards and still lose to me
and watch your rage fuel our fake arguments so we end up with full stomachs and happiness
watching theater from the highest balcony and grabbing my shaky hand and ridding of my anxiety
lovers spit, kissing cherry lips in the darkness of the abyss
kicking papers off of desk offices and messing around as if we are two tiny kids
having the kind of love that doesn’t get trapped beneath the sofa cushions that are crusty and ready to give away, but haven’t yet
the kind between gapped teeth, white as ivory, licking the dwindling flavor and savoring the last moments till it’s not sugary
taking life so seriously is absurd,
instead dance ballroom style on tabletops and try ***** dancing for once in your darned life
it ain’t gonna hurt
sooo when i was writing this, half of it got deleted because my storage is trash and decided to take it out on my notes app :’(

anyway, it was so so so so good, but half of it got deleted so it will never return. i went through all the stages of grief. right now, i am accepting it. i cried and sobbed until i fell asleep, it was honestly really sad and still is.

i’ll never get it back.

ok so basically i wrote this poem because i listened to Sebastian Yatra’s song of the same name and i am obsessed. the music video was adorable and i want that kind of love for God’s sake! like unfair!

i hope i find carefree love one day, i hope it all turns out ok. rip to the other half of this incredible poem. you will be missed.

4/8/22
louella Apr 2022
i have a friend who’s not even a friend who doesn’t even talk to me anymore
she ignores me cause i choose to ignore her so we don’t talk anymore
it is partly my fault and partly her’s, but in full honesty i don’t care
and i don’t want to be friends with the girl who’s a friend who’s not even a friend anymore
the amount of times i think of you in a day is innumerable. forgive me, i don’t miss you, but there’s something in the air when you are in the same room as i as if we are communicating. idk it’s weird

4/7/22
louella Apr 2022
𝘆𝗼𝘂 wake up and 𝘆𝗼𝘂 smell the flowers and 𝘆𝗼𝘂 yawn and make coffee for 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳
𝘆𝗼𝘂 live in a demonic world and 𝘆𝗼𝘂 look through it with demonic eyes
the floor shakes under 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 weight and 𝘆𝗼𝘂 feel every single step 𝘆𝗼𝘂 take
𝘆𝗼𝘂 pose in front of the million dollar camera and 𝘆𝗼𝘂 smile at the homeless laying barefoot on the street
but do 𝘆𝗼𝘂 give them money?
they sit there in rags and they beg and 𝘆𝗼𝘂 watch them and 𝘆𝗼𝘂 reply “have a nice day”
𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 clothes are made of silk and 𝘆𝗼𝘂 go to work in fancy wear every single waking day
𝘆𝗼𝘂 sleep in linen sheets and 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 pillow is so soft that 𝘆𝗼𝘂 fall into the night so easily
𝘆𝗼𝘂 wave to passerby’s in cars and 𝘆𝗼𝘂 yell across the street to girls 𝘆𝗼𝘂 find pretty
𝘆𝗼𝘂 strut in the alley, but only the one with twenty plus people
𝘆𝗼𝘂 switch sidewalks when 𝘆𝗼𝘂 see a man with a rapid heart rate who’s walking faster than usual due to being late
𝘆𝗼𝘂 grimace at him and 𝘆𝗼𝘂 continue along 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 way
𝘆𝗼𝘂 don’t tuck 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 kids in bed at night cause 𝘆𝗼𝘂 don’t have any
𝘆𝗼𝘂 don’t cry when falling onto the comforter, 𝘆𝗼𝘂 laugh instead
𝘆𝗼𝘂 online shop during the midnight hour and 𝘆𝗼𝘂 purchase Indonesian products that were made in sweatshops
𝘆𝗼𝘂 don’t condemn those who killed for no reason, but 𝘆𝗼𝘂 don’t have such ruthless shower thoughts, i suppose
𝘆𝗼𝘂 witness the moon glimmer in the desolate night as the world remains still
𝘆𝗼𝘂 fall asleep quickly and 𝘆𝗼𝘂 repeat
𝘆𝗼𝘂 do this all when the sun hasn’t risen for some
the moon hadn’t shined in the darkest of nights
the war was fueled with gaslighting and bombs
the fog hasn’t lifted, it barricades the doors of little houses
the street wasn’t bright enough and someone got tackled
the gun hasn’t stop shooting in the courtyard
the prayer was never uttered from such posh lips
the emptiness never ceased to exist
how could 𝘆𝗼𝘂 be so selfish?
myself included. what...you thought i would be a hypocrite? nah, man, that stuffs wack

4/7/22
louella Apr 2022
it hurts cause i remember those nights when my favorite song blared on the ipad and i laughed and cried with you. i miss feeling alive while dancing around my small room, dreaming in color, not just in black and white. i feel the longing in my body to go back home- to you. weeks passed and i still smelled your scent in every corner, everywhere i turned. i remember happiness like it was some foreign good, so beautiful yet horrifying. i miss that feeling. the winter frost was frigid and i was miserable, but at least i was having fun, making memories. life grew stronger and stronger and i became weaker with a busted back. now all i want is my last year self back.
sometimes i despise the past and sometimes i miss the past

4/6/22
louella Apr 2022
even in the darkest nights
even in the subtle moonlight
even in the quietest times
you shine through me
like electricity
a lot of short poems today :)

10.2.21
louella Apr 2022
the type of man that’ll never leave
once he leaves an impact on me
the type of man that’ll never know
how much he means to this world
the type of man that’ll waste his life
trying to get rid of all strife
the type of man who understands
but still stands in the deep end
the type of man that’ll chase his dreams
until he drowns in the foamy sea

the type of man that’ll never be yours
5.27.21

haha this was org a song but it sounds great as a poem too. my sister said this was a great title and a cool concept so my ego was boosted lol
louella Apr 2022
it was astonishing
that you noticed
i was gone

i thought i was on my own
haha i was sick/dying of pain one day at school and i had to go home. i was shocked so many people texted me and asked me if i was ok.

1.31.22
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