You’re the reason I am me
Along with all that we’ve been through
So when I think
All my thoughts
Are tinged with signs of you

And it’s painful for me to see
You buy a ring for someone new
Even when it hurts
I’ll support anything
You do

Time unravels the complexities of my feelings,
And time is the only thing that can heal it.

It’s a gentle kind of pain.
It’s a two fold to the heart.

2013.
I know it's only my mind contouring his mouth into a smile and when I turn to walk away the velcro on his lips part; words like a choke-chain. But he has lyrics that remind him of somebody else etched into his hands, and she'll always be part of the plan.
He hums her song into my throat and we both pretend I don't understand.

2022

I know its only my mind conturing these memories
into a highlight reel
And when I think I have healed, once more I unfold.
But I have words he spoke etched deeply in the fibre of my soul.
I always thought he would be part of the plan.
He doesn’t sing for me and it hurts, it hurts, it hurts,
But I understand.

You strike your match
To light my wick;
My wax doesn’t drip for you.

He wants to take a dip
In my bottomless sea;
But is unable to swim.

I know I am meant to be a mother with all that I am.
I close my eyes to see my child’s face and feel their little hands.
I open my eyes and the bliss shifts to pain as fear heavier than anything I could explain cuts through my chest like a rip tide.
What means the world to me
may have been
forever
taken from me by a man
I meant nothing to.

His lips designed
to sweeten my poor name,
I find him gone
as quickly as he came.
Could it be that he, dear he
Takes pleasure in my pain.

I believe you and I
don’t need to be more
then just this moment.

I'd rather regret something that I did do,
than something that I didn’t.

I know better than to overplay my hand,
                                 but suspense gets old.

“I want you to ruin me.”

He said “If only you knew..”
We should have left it at that

How am I dry
When years of anticipation are melting like a glacier?
All I’ve ever wanted
Is standing at the end of my bed
With his cold hands
pulling apart my thighs
So why am I fighting so hard
To get out of my head?
When he looked into my eyes
I saw guilt staring back at me.
When he kissed my lips,
He hated that they tasted unmistakably mine
And not of his lovers.
Our timings never been “okay”,
I should have taken that as a sign
To keep this a fantasy.

Again, I’ve betrayed myself.
I gave him what he wanted.
I wish everything was all he wanted from me.
It hurts. It hurts. It hurts.

All at once
My ancestors,
My gut,
My dreams,
My intuition,
My health,
And everything in between my ears
Were screaming at me to leave.
I fell ill for the entirety of our relationship,
I should have taken that as a sign sooner.

In public
We don’t talk
But tonight
He only speaks in lust

His touch was cheap.

I think I preferred you being a fantasy.

He reminds me of the whiskey I used to drink.

Surely this is not what I got sober for.

Without alcohol,
It's hard to numb the thought
That I might not ever write as authentically
As I did when I was drunk.

Standing at the window,
shifting from one foot
to the other.
Questioning if I wants to be the hero
or the antihero of this story.

I listen as he romanticizes cheating,
contorting it into “forbidden love”.

Let me real-life your fantasy.

For it would be a fallacy to judge
when I too, romanticize everything.

I know it's wrong,
but the very thought
of you pushing all these papers
to the floor

and giving the neighbors
something to talk about...

of you
bending me over this bed
and acting on everything we've left unsaid
makes me...

We’ve been communicating
between the lines,
For far, far too long.

It’s only wrong
if you let it be.

If only you knew
how many times I laid in bed
with you in my head
and my hands
between my legs

There is no amount of daydreaming or touching myself that can satisfy the things I want.
When I wake, the bittersweet frustration seem to bounce off every nerve in my body.
Please tell me my lover exists somewhere more tangible than my dreams.

I’m just a young woman with an active imagination,
and an even more active libido.

Wooden stairs and maraschino cherries.
The vision varies,
but when it comes down to it it’s really your decision.

I want to be your prey,
we can treat it like religion.

You said “it’s easier to ask for forgiveness than permission”

Between disappointment and heart-break,
I feel relief.

The desires I often pushed down
can now be released.
Without you, I unravel.
I allow primal desires to run free.
What a delight to enjoy in someone else what you simply could not give me.

How am I breathing if I’m under water?
A theme well known by the youngest daughter.
Casual thoughts of ending it all
I fall, to stand back up then fall.

I think you have evil in you,
and that it’s higher to the surface than you’d be comfortable to admit.
I saw it in your eyes as you stood there
looking down on me.
I think you have evil in you.
I felt it with each hit.

You would break my trust,
Then get mad at me when I didn’t forgive and forget quick enough.
You called it love.
I called your bluff.

You can’t show up fully right now.

I believe you.

You open your heart
and give a dose of
what we could be
to keep me close
but you close it.

And I keep holding on
just like I’ve been
you shut me out
and **** me off it has me
crawling out my skin
You keep me close.

you can’t show up fully
“right now”
and the only thing that's new is
is I believe you.

I'm always on my phone
I isolate 'till I'm alone
I'm feeling some regret
I feel the need to disconnect.

I had to urge to write a song
So I opened up my notes
And I'm typing on it now
Cause it's so hard to put it down.

I'm addicted to the screen
I'm always scrolling down the stream
It's really pretty sad
I'm feeling empty in my head

I've got the blue-light blues
It's just addicting as the *****
It's where I get my news
It's where I listen to new tunes

It's how I keep in-touch with friends
I haven't tried to see them in a bit
But I can't say I've even tried
Because it's easier to type.

At comfort knowing
We're an option
In the multiverse.

Hype beast, hype beast
He's wearing ***** Nikes
Daddy wasn't there
So he's not acting very nicely.
Its likely, likely his room is sure a mess
But he's feeling real clean
Cause it's all in how he dress.

***** pack across his chest
Ego real big
Man he feels like he's he best
But he's just a P.O.S.
And never any less
Cause it's all in how he dress.

"Give me that new season
I can't wait until it drop.
Limited edition
400 bucks so I can cop.
I want the most exclusive thing.
*****, my styles so supreme."
"Sole purpose to impress all these self-conscious depressed *******
And when I'm feeling threatened
I resort to molesting pretty misses."

Diluted street wear Nike s.b.
Whatchu' coppin' on this drop?
I rock hyped ****
Just so I can get the props
Got no self worth and it costed me a lot.
No personality?
***** look at what I bought.

You love then hide
like rise and tide.
Go on
protect your pride, just know I tried.

I think you forgot to let me know that you let me go.

I’m an alcoholic
I tend to love things that are terrible for me.
I’ve felt as if I’ve needed you for so many years, you see
But I’ve been sober from the ***** for some time now
I think It’s time I get sober from you too.

I have too many photos of you and I on my phone
they keep on popping up so much now that you’re gone
I just delete them
I don’t wanna see em anymore.
When I open up a page I no longer see your face
but it doesn’t change a thing for me
because I can’t delete our memories
I need to burn some sage just to balance out my energies

So when I miss you I’ll try to remember all of the pain
and when I see you face to face I’ll just look the other way
I still have your jackets
even through your not my guy
I throw it on before I leave
cause it’s getting cold outside

I won’t say you didn’t
deep down I know you tried
but when i tried to get to know you
you recoiled and you’d hide
I don’t wanna play the fool
so I had to let you go
I really wanted me and you
but you never let us grow

I’ll try not to take it personal
and try to be discernible
and dead it like it burnable  but ******* are incredible
I really like your effort
you were an expert at keeping me around
always searching for a love i that found within myself

we don’t talk much anymore but thank you for the help
thank you for the growth
and thank you for the hell

thank you for the hell
I couldn’t do it without you
but now I’m learning to I’m always wishing you the best
and I hope that you progress

cause I couldn't change you
and I shouldn’t want to
but I can’t help but think
we could have avoided all of this pain
but I see you’re still the same
as you were when I met you

Would I do it?
It’s been a while since I felt this heavy.
Day to day I feel okay
but sometimes it just hits me.
I have all the time that I could ask for
and I waste it every day.
I have ambitions, goals and dreams so lovely
I’ve got thoughts I can’t convey.

Sometimes I wish the universe would guide me, or decide its good without me
I often doubt me
I could have done so much
but I play victim to the past.
Someone teach me how to get past it
I don’t want these burdens to last .

I hope you hear this once it’s over
just like us when I got sober.
Back when all you did was react
and you wouldn’t face the facts
But you couldn’t understand
what I was going through back then
and every time I would explain
you would run the other way
every time you turned to leave
I was begging you to stay
always praying just to hear
something you would never say

Tried to drink away the pain
but it all remained the same
I had to shed a lot of shame
I held on to everything.
You thought addiction was a game
and I was choosing to play.
Didn’t see me try to stop every single ******* day?
Do you think it was fun for me living that way?
waste away my life,
you really want that in a wife?

I’m sorry I had to leave
your lifestyle wasn’t for me,
or maybe it’s that it was
but you don’t know what does
to someone who’s so ****** up
they won’t stop when they should.
So they keep on steady drinking
just to drown what they are thinking
cause they feel misunderstood.

I’m so glad you’ll never get it.
I’m so glad you’re not an addict.
If you were I bet you’d understand
everything that had happened,
like why I was so attached.
Why I never let you leave,
I was so afraid you were planning to up
and just abandon me.

I waited, because of love.
I suffered, because of love.
I put my needs after yours, because of love.
I tried and tried and tried because of love.
but tonight I learned that love is not enough.

It's habitual, your love is like a ritual
often feeling unrequited
my love is so one sided
can't say I ever minded though cause at the end of the day once you've hit the hay and gone to sleep, I lay up reminded to really love myself deep because nobody can keep myself like me
and no one will love you true quite like you

What wanders above?
Could it be we are in many, many other universes?

I tend to get rowdy so tell your men to watch their mouth when they're around me

You remind me of a mistake I once made
You remind me of an ache I still crave
I'll try to tame my imagination, but I think you've dreamt about it too.

My motives might be selfish
these nightmares are more like dreams
as my day continues further I'm noticing a common theme
so even with my eyes shut the thought of you never leaves
the thought of you always pops up and when it does I am relieved.

Its been sixty days since I kicked my addiction
I'm thinking why I loved him, I'm thinking about why I didn't
I'm thinking about the seven years I spent by his side, and all the times I fantasized about being his wife
I'm thinking about my dad and if he'll ever recover
I'm thinking bout the relationship between him and my mother
I'm thinking about Neli, and if she'll ever stop
but thats another thought I should probably drop
Only two months in but I feel I'm getting the hang of it
I'm grateful for this life even if at times I truly hated it
but theres nothing to complain about I'm proud of myself
I redefined perseverance and worked through every condition
weathered through the storms of any degree
I've been through hell and back anyone who knows me agrees
I don't need to reminisce on all the hardships I faced
I know I made it through and I did it with grace
next milestone I make is technically ninety days but honestly I celebrate every single day
this is a blessing, and I don't wanna mess it up
you won't catch me popping bottles
you want catch me in the club
my new idea of fun is sitting down in that chair and listening to what my elders have to share
for me there is no going back, I give what I can
cause its a fact, what you give you attract
I don't have another relapse in my body cause if I do I'll be dead
so like I said I'm gonna give it everything that I can
this life's a blessing
and you can't shake away my faith, you can try but I am impermeable to the hate
they say it only gets better, so I'm patient and I wait
I don't make split decisions
I run it by my sponsor cause I still have blurry vision
and she treats me like a daughter
crawled my way through hell and came out a whole lot stronger

Words like "It's okay" and "I'll understand for you"are flooding from your heart to my gut but keep getting lodged in my throat.
Like words that sound similar to "I love you" resonate like "I'm sorry"