I know I am meant to be a mother with all that I am.
I close my eyes to see my child’s face and feel their little hands.
I open my eyes and the bliss shifts to pain as fear heavier than anything I could explain cuts through my chest like a rip tide.
What means the world to me
may have been
forever
taken from me by a man
I meant nothing to.

My brain soaks in confusion and my eyes scan nervously over forty six little white pills sprawled out on an orange paper stating academic achievement.
I repeat the same question i've asked myself probably four hundred times since last night, and my answer still lingers somewhere in-between absolutely and no.

Its been sixty days since I kicked my addiction
I'm thinking why I loved him, I'm thinking about why I didn't
I'm thinking about the seven years I spent by his side, and all the times I fantasized about being his wife
I'm thinking about my dad and if he'll ever recover
I'm thinking bout the relationship between him and my mother
I'm thinking about Neli, and if she'll ever stop
but thats another thought I should probably drop
Only two months in but I feel I'm getting the hang of it
I'm grateful for this life even if at times I truly hated it
but theres nothing to complain about I'm proud of myself
I redefined perseverance and worked through every condition
weathered through the storms of any degree
I've been through hell and back anyone who knows me agrees
I don't need to reminisce on all the hardships I faced
I know I made it through and I did it with grace
next milestone I make is technically ninety days but honestly I celebrate every single day
this is a blessing, and I don't wanna mess it up
you won't catch me popping bottles
you want catch me in the club
my new idea of fun is sitting down in that chair and listening to what my elders have to share
for me there is no going back, I give what I can
cause its a fact, what you give you attract
I don't have another relapse in my body cause if I do I'll be dead
so like I said I'm gonna give it everything that I can
this life's a blessing
and you can't shake away my faith, you can try but I am impermeable to the hate
they say it only gets better, so I'm patient and I wait
I don't make split decisions
I run it by my sponsor cause I still have blurry vision
and she treats me like a daughter
crawled my way through hell and came out a whole lot stronger

I miss him most when he is here, when he is close enough I could reach out and touch him. But only in places that are becoming routine. I reminisce back to a time when he would handle me like glass, when he'd run his fingers though my unwashed hair while I pretended to sleep.
Our first embrace.
When we kissed on the end of my bed, his skin slippery with angst.
My clothes wrinkled, synched tight around my waist getting caught between myself and the covers.
We were two brand new tension filled lovers.

Would I do it?
It’s been a while since I felt this heavy.
Day to day I feel okay
but sometimes it just hits me.
I have all the time that I could ask for
and I waste it every day.
I have ambitions, goals and dreams so lovely
I’ve got thoughts I can’t convey.

Sometimes I wish the universe would guide me, or decide its good without me
I often doubt me
I could have done so much
but I play victim to the past.
Someone teach me how to get past it
I don’t want these burdens to last .

The freedom in your veins was too much for you to stop but the monitor beside your bed had no problem coming to a halt
It was 5:42
I was holding what was left of you, but I held too tight and that seemed to be the issue from the start.

I have too many photos of you and I on my phone
they keep on popping up so much now that you’re gone
I just delete them
I don’t wanna see em anymore.
When I open up a page I no longer see your face
but it doesn’t change a thing for me
because I can’t delete our memories
I need to burn some sage just to balance out my energies

So when I miss you I’ll try to remember all of the pain
and when I see you face to face I’ll just look the other way
I still have your jackets
even through your not my guy
I throw it on before I leave
cause it’s getting cold outside

I won’t say you didn’t
deep down I know you tried
but when i tried to get to know you
you recoiled and you’d hide
I don’t wanna play the fool
so I had to let you go
I really wanted me and you
but you never let us grow

I’ll try not to take it personal
and try to be discernible
and dead it like it burnable  but ******* are incredible
I really like your effort
you were an expert at keeping me around
always searching for a love i that found within myself

we don’t talk much anymore but thank you for the help
thank you for the growth
and thank you for the hell

thank you for the hell
I couldn’t do it without you
but now I’m learning to I’m always wishing you the best
and I hope that you progress

cause I couldn't change you
and I shouldn’t want to
but I can’t help but think
we could have avoided all of this pain
but I see you’re still the same
as you were when I met you

I’m just a young woman with an active imagination,
and an even more active libido.

Wooden stairs and maraschino cherries.
The vision varies,
but when it comes down to it it’s really your decision.

I want to be your prey,
we can treat it like religion.

You said “it’s easier to ask for forgiveness than permission”

She's been trying for days
backspace, erase; can't find any ways
Its the kisses he gave before their lips met
has her caught in a daze, thoughts stuck in a net
But who can expect
the other not to dissect the moments during, the minutes after,
the hours proceeding a kiss?
From prologue to epilogue is to reminisce of bliss.

Not too long ago you were only an idea in my head
Now here you are. Arms impatient, eyes red, slithering through my bed.
I've lost interest in starring at your face, each time I look your eyes are wandering
In the morning I can tell you're wondering what I'm thinking
but not curious enough to ask.
I get tired of waiting; anticipating your curiosity
A spark of interest in my mind
you close your hands and heart but our bodies stay intertwined

I'm always on my phone
I isolate 'till I'm alone
I'm feeling some regret
I feel the need to disconnect.

I had to urge to write a song
So I opened up my notes
And I'm typing on it now
Cause it's so hard to put it down.

I'm addicted to the screen
I'm always scrolling down the stream
It's really pretty sad
I'm feeling empty in my head

I've got the blue-light blues
It's just addicting as the *****
It's where I get my news
It's where I listen to new tunes

It's how I keep in-touch with friends
I haven't tried to see them in a bit
But I can't say I've even tried
Because it's easier to type.

He wants to take a dip
In my bottomless sea;
But is unable to swim.

Carnival lights
Your spinning eyes
Dizzy in a crowd so full of life.
Humid heat
Sun setting
Friday night
Streets filling.
My feet stumbling
Gravel crunching
Legs follow you toward a door.
Hands pulling
Shutter slamming,
Stepping into Last Word Book Store.

My thoughts have been on that train.

You would break my trust,
Then get mad at me when I didn’t forgive and forget quick enough.
You called it love.
I called your bluff.

Guilt attached inexorably to me
I have it all wrong
I just picture him

It’s a gentle kind of pain.
It’s a two fold to the heart.

I know it's only my mind contouring his mouth into a smile and when I turn to walk away the velcro on his lips part; words like a choke-chain. But he has lyrics that remind him of somebody else etched into his hands, and she'll always be part of the plan.
He hums her song into my throat and we both pretend I don't understand.

Hype beast, hype beast
He's wearing ***** Nikes
Daddy wasn't there
So he's not acting very nicely.
Its likely, likely his room is sure a mess
But he's feeling real clean
Cause it's all in how he dress.

***** pack across his chest
Ego real big
Man he feels like he's he best
But he's just a P.O.S.
And never any less
Cause it's all in how he dress.

"Give me that new season
I can't wait until it drop.
Limited edition
400 bucks so I can cop.
I want the most exclusive thing.
*****, my styles so supreme."
"Sole purpose to impress all these self-conscious depressed *******
And when I'm feeling threatened
I resort to molesting pretty misses."

Diluted street wear Nike s.b.
Whatchu' coppin' on this drop?
I rock hyped ****
Just so I can get the props
Got no self worth and it costed me a lot.
No personality?
***** look at what I bought.

If only you knew
how many times I laid in bed
with you in my head
and my hands
between my legs

An abandon wear-house rooftop
- A story about your past
- A change unnoticed
- A change expected last
- A fortress of blankets
- A pen-cap game
- A vicious cycle, luring
- A brand new name
- A night in my living room
- A night on the town
- A tea *** simmering, but nothing simmering down

If he dare assume once more that he knows how my mind works
I will hold him up by the neck
And if he dare pick up his pencil and try to map out my brain
I will break it and remind him he is nothing but a speck

I'm ready
I'm ready
     I thought
I'm ready
I'm ready
     Wait, I'm not.

I think you forgot to let me know that you let me go.

I think you have evil in you,
and that it’s higher to the surface than you’d be comfortable to admit.
I saw it in your eyes as you stood there
looking down on me.
I think you have evil in you.
I felt it with each hit.

There were colors in your eyes only I had seen.

You can’t show up fully right now.

I believe you.

You open your heart
and give a dose of
what we could be
to keep me close
but you close it.

And I keep holding on
just like I’ve been
you shut me out
and **** me off it has me
crawling out my skin
You keep me close.

you can’t show up fully
“right now”
and the only thing that's new is
is I believe you.

What wanders above?
Could it be we are in many, many other universes?

I waited, because of love.
I suffered, because of love.
I put my needs after yours, because of love.
I tried and tried and tried because of love.
but tonight I learned that love is not enough.

I know better than to overplay my hand,
                                 but suspense gets old.

“I want you to ruin me.”

Standing at the window,
shifting from one foot
to the other.
Questioning if I wants to be the hero
or the antihero of this story.

Ginger peach,
chai spice,
earl grey,
and green.
Every sunrise you burn your mouth eager,
while I hate caffeine.
You ask for more honey,
and i'll keep mine plain.
But two could never be perfect
if exactly the same.

My motives might be selfish
these nightmares are more like dreams
as my day continues further I'm noticing a common theme
so even with my eyes shut the thought of you never leaves
the thought of you always pops up and when it does I am relieved.

You remind me of a mistake I once made
You remind me of an ache I still crave
I'll try to tame my imagination, but I think you've dreamt about it too.

Between disappointment and heart-break,
I feel relief.

The desires I often pushed down
can now be released.
Without you, I unravel.
I allow primal desires to run free.
What a delight to enjoy in someone else what you simply could not give me.

You’re the reason I am me
Along with all that we’ve been through
So when I think
All my thoughts
Are tinged with signs of you

And it’s painful for me to see
You buy a ring for someone new
Even when it hurts
I’ll support anything
You do

"How long do you think it'll take us to admit this?"
She questioned herself silently
Head rising and falling with his chest.
"Probably forever"
He thought to himself while stroking her hair and shoulder.

Time unravels the complexities of my feelings,
And time is the only thing that can heal it.

You read about my life in words you never hear.
Everything seems familiar but it's something you always feared.
His kiss isn't the same, his touch sparks a different match.
Who am I to compare the flame when its something we never had?
Its like re-watching a play and the main character has been replaced by an actor much less passionate, going places you never faced.

I listen as he romanticizes cheating,
contorting it into “forbidden love”.

Let me real-life your fantasy.

For it would be a fallacy to judge
when I too, romanticize everything.

At comfort knowing
We're an option
In the multiverse.

You strike your match
To light my wick;
My wax doesn’t drip for you.

I’m an alcoholic
I tend to love things that are terrible for me.
I’ve felt as if I’ve needed you for so many years, you see
But I’ve been sober from the ***** for some time now
I think It’s time I get sober from you too.

How am I dry
When years of anticipation are melting like a glacier?
All I’ve ever wanted
Is standing at the end of my bed
With his cold hands
pulling apart my thighs
So why am I fighting so hard
To get out of my head?
When he looked into my eyes
I saw guilt staring back at me.
When he kissed my lips,
He hated that they tasted unmistakably mine
And not of his lovers.
Our timings never been “okay”,
I should have taken that as a sign
To keep this a fantasy.

Words like "It's okay" and "I'll understand for you"are flooding from your heart to my gut but keep getting lodged in my throat.
Like words that sound similar to "I love you" resonate like "I'm sorry"

I know it's wrong,
but the very thought
of you pushing all these papers
to the floor

and giving the neighbors
something to talk about...

of you
bending me over this bed
and acting on everything we've left unsaid
makes me...